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THREE SHORT PLAYS 



THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 

NEW YORK • BOSTON • CHICAGO • DALLAS 
ATLANTA • SAN FRANCISCO 

MACMILLAN & CO., Limited 

LONDON • BOMBAY • CALCUTTA 
MELBOURNE 

THE MACMILLAN CO. OF CANADA. Ltd. 

lORONTO 



THREE SHORT PLAYS 



BY 

MARY S. WATTS 

I) 

CLEVE," " THE RISE OF J 
THE RUDDER," " NATHAN BURKE," ETC. 



'^tm fork 
THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 

1917 

All rights reserved 



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^ <.A 



Copyright, 1917 

By the MACMILLAN COMPANY 

Set up and printed. Published January, 1917. 




*■* 



(S)CI.A453601 



fv. 



CONTENTS 

Page 

An Ancient Dance i 

Civilization 85 

The Wearin' o' the Green 139 



THREE SHORT PLAYS 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 

PLAY IN TWO ACTS 

ACT I 

Characters in the Order in which they Appear 

A Carpenter 

William Jackson, the Hitchcocks' hitler 

Mrs. John Hitchcock 

Dr. John Hitchcock, a retired physician 

Dick Harding 

Dorothy Pierce 

Tom Washburn 

Edith LeClere [Mrs. Franklin LeClere] 

Franklin ["Bunny"] LeClere 

Time: the present, a summer evening. 
Scene: living-room of the Hitchcock residence at 
Bournemouth, Long Island. 

[Curtain rises, discovering the Hitchcock living-room. 
Back at c. a very wide doorway opening on a terrace, 
through this a glimpse of a garden in late afternoon 
light. Doors in side-walls R. u. and l. u. Mantel- 
piece in middle of wall R. Directly opposite in middle 
of wall L. wide and deep bay-window. Room hand- 
somely decorated and furnished in English style, 
Jacobean period, modified and adapted to an Ameri- 



2 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

can country-house; dark-panelled walls with built-in 
book-shelves, substantial stuffed chairs, heavy writing- 
table in bay-window and number of smaller tables, 
bright-colored chintz hangings and slip-covers. R. at 
right-angles to mantelpiece and facing audience a 
large davenport-lounge. R. D. at other side of mantel, 
nearer to audience an old-fashioned phonograph with 
^^ morning-glory''^ trumpet; in corner by it one of the 
common golden-oak cabinets for holding the cylindri- 
cal wax records which were used with that style of 
talking-machine. L. u. between door and bay-window 
a tall, four-fold screen of dark stamped and gilded 
leather; L. D. against wall at the side of bay-window 
nearer the audience a high carved and panelled black 
oak cabinet with doors, drawers, etc. Everything in 
some confusion, groups of chairs pushed together 
here and there as if to get them, out of the way, rugs 
taken up and piled on the davenport; the glass doors 
belonging to opening at centre-back, taken off their 
hinges and leaned slanting against the wall at side of 
the opening; a clean pine plank lying on the floor 
in front of the fireplace with one end propped on the 
fender; a workman s coat and dingy soft hat hung 
on a chair-back; box of carpenter s tools on floor d. c. 
At rise of curtain a sound of hammering off-stage, 
which continues for several seconds.] 
[Noise of hammering ceases. Enter Carpenter through 
terrace-doors c. Comes down R. business of stooping 
down and measuring plank with foot-rule ; straightens 
up, folding rule and sticking it in hip-pocket; con- 
siders plank, scratching his head. Finally lifts it 
and carries it outside to terrace. After a second, 
sound of sawing commences vigorously.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 3 

[Enter hurriedly L. u. Jackson in butler s livery-waist- 
coat and black trousers but with alpaca coat and straw 
hat, carrying package. Crosses to D. R. and in full 
view of audience unwraps a revolver and two boxes 
of shells; stands looking about for an instant, evi- 
dently at some loss where to put the things, at last 
lays them on mantel-shelf. During this, sound of 
sawing ceases and is followed immediately by sound 
of hammering. A pause of a second or two. Jackson 
going R. u.] 

Carpenter. [Appears in opening c. Calls.] Say! 

Jack. [Halts at door r. u. Turns.] What? 

Carp. [Enters room.] Ask the lady to come here a 
minute, will you.? So's she can see if it's fixed to suit 
her, you know. 

Jack. Oh, are you through? 

Carp. Uh-huh. [Comes d. c. Looks at watch in 
pocket of waistcoat hanging on back of chair.] It's six 
o'clock anyhow. I guess that's a day. 

Jack. All right. [Exit r. u.] 

[Carpenter business of assembling his tools and plac- 
ing them in tool-box, assumes coat and waistcoat, whistling 
softly to himself, puts on hat, lifts tool-box to shoulder.] 

[Enter R. u. Mrs. Hitchcock in evening-dress.] 

Mrs. H. Oh — ah — you're the carpenter? You 
wanted to see me? 

Carp. Yes, ma'am. I'm done. 

Mrs. H. [Goes c] Yes, Jackson said you were. 
[Steps outside of door, stands facing audience, steps back- 
ward, looking up.] Oh, that's very nice! That's just 
what I wanted! The lattice all around the doorway 
just that way — I knew it would be pretty! [Re-enters, 



4 THREElSHORT PLAY§ 

coming down c] Tell your — ah — your boss — isn^t 
that what you call him? — tell him Mrs. Hitchcock is 
very much pleased. Fm Mrs. Hitchcock, you know. 
Tell him I say that it's a very nice — ah — job. 

Carp. Yes, ma'am. [Going r. u.] Was there any- 
thing else, ma'am? 

Mrs. H. No, that's all. Oh, the other door, please — 
that way — [Points L. u.] — Good-day — er — ! 

[Exit Carpenter l. u. As he goes out, voices heard 
indistinctly off R. Mrs. H. at c. looks around room, 
makes a gesture at seeing its disorder, stoops and picks 
up a shaving. Enter noisily, talking R. u. Dr. Hitch- 
cock, followed by Harding.] 

Dr. H. Ah, Martha, are you there? Look who I've 
got hold of! [Loud, jolly, slapping Harding on the 
shoulder as he drags him forward.] He didn't want to 
come but I made him! 

Mrs. H. Mr. Harding! Why, how nice! [Advances 
to meet him, hand outstretched.] I didn't even know 
that you were in this part of the globe! 

Hard. [Hat, cane, light overcoat all over one hand and 
arm, sets down suitcase with the other hand, smiling, 
apologetic] Mrs. Hitchcock! I'm afraid this isn't the 
most convenient of surprises — 

[Business of shaking hands.] 

Mrs. H. Did the doctor say you actually didn't 
want to come here? How very ungallant! 

Hard. Well, you see me ? [Displays himself humor- 
ously,] I'm just this minute off the train — 

Dr. H. [Interrupts.] Ran into him at the hotel. 
"Good Lord, Dick Harding! I haven't seen you for 
a coon's age! Where did you drop from?" says I. 
"Timbuctoo!" says he — 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 5 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts.] Timhuctoo? 

Dr. H. Well, some place off the map — it's no 
matter where. He's just been round the world, you 
know — [Interrupts himself.] — and by the way, that 
being the case, why not offer him a chair? [Bustles 
around.] What's the matter with this room ? — Oh yes, 
I remember! Never mind the muss, Richard, just sit 
down anywhere, and make yourself comfortable! 
[To Mrs. H.] Where's Jackson? Ring for Jackson! 
[To Hard.] I'll have somebody take your things up, 
and get a room ready — here, give me your bag! 
[Seizes the suitcase.] 

Hard. [Protesting.] Really, Dr. Hitchcock — I — 
really — 

Dr. H. [Shouting him down.] Now, now, now! 
Don't say a word! Don't open your mouth! You're 
our guest, that's all there is to it! Jackson! [Triumph- 
antly gathers up Harding's overcoat^ hat, etc., and exit 
r. u. shouting.] Jackson! 

[Mrs. H., l. c. Hard, follows Dr. H., r. u. a step or 
two, business of expostulating, returns, faces Mrs. H. 
with gesture of comic defeat.] 

Hard. I'm saddled on you in spite of myself. 

Mrs. H. [Warmly.] Now, my dear boy, as if you 
could be unwelcome in our house! As if we hadn't 
known you since you were a baby and your father and 
mother before you! And when you've been away so 
long, too! 

Hard. Oh no, just a year. 

Mrs. H. [Apostrophizes the air.] Just a year! He 
talks as if it were nothing! [To Hard.] When you 
get to my age, young gentleman, you'll realize that a 
year is — wdl? it's twelve irrecoverable months out 



6 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

of one's life! Now you must sit down and tell me 
something about it. [Looks around.] Dear me, did 
you ever see such a dishevelled-looking place? We're 
going to have some amateur theatricals — you know 
what that means! If you'll just tumble those rugs off 
of the lounge — ? 

[Hard, obeys. Mrs. H. subsides on the lounge with 
a sigh\ Thanks! \Looks up at him, smiling and patting 
the seat of the lounge beside her invitingly.] Now! I'm 
sure you must be tired out, if you've only just got back. 

Hard. [Sits. Amused.] From my round-the-world 
trip.f^ Well, not exactly. I landed in dear old Hoboken 
a week ago. 

Mrs. H. It must be scorching hot in the city just 
now. Deliver me from New York in summer! 

Hard. Oh yes, and nothing much doing, you know. 
I thought I'd run down here to Bournemouth for a 
few days — only I had no idea of trespassing on you. 
I fell in with Dr. Hitchcock the first thing at the 
hotel — 

[Enter Dr. H. at R. u. cautiously carrying a tray with 
bottles of whiskey, seltzer, etc.] 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts Hard, amused.] And he pounced 
on you at once, and took you prisoner! You're a 
perfect boon to him. A doctor who has been as busy 
as my husband all his life is lost when he retires from 
practice. We try to keep the house filled up with 
young people, and of course there is always more or 
less going on among the summer colony here, but 
still — [Breaks off with a gesture.] 

Dr. H. [Loud voice from behind them at which they 
both jump.] But still the truth is, my son, I'd be over- 
joyed to see an enemy, let alone a friend ! Hey .? Ha-ha 1 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 7 

[Loud laugh. Comes down c. with tray. Hard, rises, 
laughing.] 

Mrs. H. [Shocked and reproachful.] John! He'll 
think you're in earnest! 

Dr. H. [Winks at Hard.] My dear, I am! Hey, 
Dick.? Ha-ha! [Same business, laugh. Still looking 
at Hard, and laughing, business of beginning to set the 
tray down, evidently expecting to find a table immediately 
before him. Just as he is about to let go of it, an exclama- 
tion from Hard.] 

Hard. [Movement.] Look out, doctor! Er — pardon 



me 



Dr. H. [Startled, looks down, stops himself just in 
time.] Eh.? What the mischief.? Where's the table.? 
Martha, what's become of the table.? Confound Jack- 
son, what's he done with — oh yes, I remember! Never 
mind, Dick, everything in the house is upside down — 
occasionally we even mislay our heads in the excite- 
ment. Just slide those things ofF of that chair — .? 
[Hard, obeys.] 

Mrs. H. [Expostulating.] John dear, you'll have 
everything in a worse confusion than ever. Why 
didn't you have Jackson bring that? 

Dr. H. Jackson's busy. [Sets down tray on seat of 
chair which Hard, brings forward.] There, help your- 
self, Richard! [To Mrs. H.] He's setting the table or 
doing something or other for this dinner this evening. 

[Hard, business of mixing a high-ball.] 

Mrs. H. Oh yes, to be sure! I told him it would be 
a little earlier than usual. [To Hard, as he offers her a 
tumbler.] No, thank you. 

Hard. [Glass in hand.] A dinner? Now are you 
sure I won't throw your table out ? 



8 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dr. H. [Business of helping himself to the seltzer. 
Interrupts violently.] Not in the least, I tell you! It's 
not a dinner^ in fact, at all! It's merely something to 
eat! [Moves about hunting for a chair.] For these young 
people that are coming here to rehearse, you under- 
stand. [Sits L. c] They aren't of the slightest im- 
portance! [Drinks.] 

Mrs. H. John! [To Hard, with gesture of mock 
despair.] You know his habit of saying the most awful 
things ! 

Dr. H. [Winks at Hard.] Mean 'em, too! [Glances 
teasingly at Mrs. H. Chuckles. To Hard, in loud, 
jolly command.] Sit down! You're going to j^ay, that's 
settled ! 

Hard. [Amused. Sits on lounge. To Mrs. H.] You 
say you're going to have some amateur dramatics — ? 

Mrs. H. Yes. Some of the people who have summer- 
homes here like ourselves, the Washburns and Pierces, 
you know, and some of their guests — they all have 
house-parties, of course — are getting it up. The ob- 
ject is to raise funds for the Bournemouth Village Im- 
provement Society — 

Dr. H. [Interrupts.] Not at all, Dick! The object 
is to ruin our lawn! They're going to give it here out- 
side on our terrace to-morrow evening. [Gesture towards 
terrace-doors.] Audience sits on the grass unless it 
rains in which case they postpone dying of rheumatism 
and pneumonia until the next moonlight night. 

Mrs. H. Don't pay any attention to him, Mr. 
Harding, he's only too pleased to have them. [En- 
thusiastic] It's really going to be charming! And 
hardly any expense at all — everybody giving their 
services, of course — and no scenery required. I just 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 9 

had the carpenter put up a little lattice-work around 
the doors there — [Gesture] — I know you'll love it 
when you see them rehearse this evening! You dance 
so beautifully yourself. 

Hard. [Smiling. Deprecating.] Well, I've been 
out of all that sort of thing for a year, you must re- 
member. Every dance I used to know must be a back- 
number now. Is this entertainment to be all dancing? 

Mrs. H. No, not altogether. It's — er — [Hesitates.] 

Dr. H. [Intervening.] It's a hodge-podge — what- 
d'ye-call-'em .? Variety-show? 

Hard. Oh, vaudeville! 

Mrs. H. But this particular performance, the one 
they're rehearsing here is a — er — a sort of panto- 
mime — a story acted out in the dancing, you know — ? 

Hard. Oh yes, like those things the Russian Ballet 
do. 

Mrs. H. [Hastily.] Oh no! That is — well, I — 
[Reluctantly.] — I suppose it is a little like that — just a 
little — but nothing quite so — er — [Pauses.] 

Hard. [Polite, trying to help her out.] I see. Not 
quite so — er — [Pauses.] 

Dr. H. [Satiric gravity.] Oh, of course, not quite 
so — er — [Pauses.] 

Mrs. H. [Glances severely at Dr. H.] Not quite so 
extreme, naturally. 

Dr. H. [Solemn.] Certainly not. [Suddenly taken 
with a fit of chuckling which ends in coughing and choking.] 
Ho-ho! He-he-he — [Coughs] — Ungh! Errunghl [To 
others as they make a movement of concern.] Never mind 
— trrungh! Swallowed wrong! Errungh — rungh — 
rungh! 

[Enter Jack. r. u. in butler s full-dress. He advances 



.10 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

deferentially, trying to attract Mrs. Hitchcock's at- 
tention.] 

Mrs. H. [To Hard.] The girls and men are all to 
be in Pierrot and Pierrette costumes, white with big 
black pom-poms — so pretty! They're going to put 
them on for the rehearsal to-night. [Sees Jack.] What 
is it.? 

Jack. If you please, madame — ? 

[Mrs. H. rises and goes R. u. with him, stands at door, 
business of listening to him and giving directions.] 

[During above Dr. H. recovering from cough, winks 
at Hard, and beckons him over with an air of burlesque 
caution. Both at c] 

Dr. H. [To Hard, slightly lowered voice.] The fact 
is, Richard, this pantomime business has a — what 
you might call a warm plot! The eternal triangle — 
hey.? You know — .? [Prods Hard, in the ribs with a 
knowing glance \ Hey.? Understand me? Ha-ha-ha! 
[Same business. Chuckles.] 

Hard. [Retreats, rubbing his side.] The triangle? 
[Retreats again, speaking hastily with a wary eye on 
Dr. H. as the latter makes a motion to prod him again.] 
Oh yes, I understand. Same old thing, eh? Husband, 
wife, wife's lover? 

Dr. H. Just so! Finally the husband — [Same 
business.] — eh ? 

Hard. [Same business.] Finally the husband gets 
wise — ? 

Dr. H. Just so! Whereupon he very properly hunts 
up a pistol and kills the lady! Oh, it's quite dramatic, 
I assure you! 

Hard. I daresay! But isn't it rather a queer selec- 
tion for an entertainment such as this — ? 



AN ANCIENT DANCE ii 

Dr. H. [Interrupts.] Exactly what I thought and 
said! But they all stood me down that if you want to 
attract people nowadays, you've got to have what they 
call pep! Pep! It means high seasoning, you under- 
stand, Dick. 

[Mrs. H. business of dismissing Jack. Comes down c] 

Hard. [Answering Dr. H.] Yes. Tve — er — I've 
heard that phrase before — 

Dr. H. [Sees Mrs. H. advancing^ interrupts Hard. 
in a loud, unnaturally casual manner^ The name of it 
is "An Ancient Dance" — the title of the music they 
use. It's a piece by some old-time composer. [To 
Mrs. H.] Who was it that wrote the music, my dear? 

Mrs. H. Bach, I think. [Sits r. on lounge.] Very 
likely the record is on the machine now, if you want 
to find out. [Indicates phonograph.] Unless Jackson 
put it back in the cabinet. [To Hard.] Jackson is our 
orchestra. He's become very expert at running the 
thing. 

[Hard, sits r. on lounge as before beside Mrs. H.] 

Dr. H. [To Hard.] They begin — [Sings the air] — 
Tee-de-lee-deedle-tee-tee ! Tee-doodle-doodle-doo ! 

[Flourishes his arms in ballet fashion, taking steps on the 
points of his toes, holds out skirts of coat with finger-tips. 
Pauses, out of breath.] Something like that, very light 
and gay. Then the other part comes — [Stands still, 
holding his hands over an imaginary key-board, and 
moving fingers in imitation of a pianist] — music rapid 
and soft, like this — [Sings air] — Teedle-leedle — 
teedle-leedle-teedle-leedle-leedle-leedle! And it's in the 
middle of that part that LeClere lets go with his shoot- 
ing-iron — BANG! — and bowls her over. 

[During above the others have business of looking on in 



12 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

open amusement. They begin to applaud, but at mention 
of LeClere, Hard, breaks off abruptly. Changes posi- 
tion.] 

Mrs. H. [Indulgent laughter, clapping hands gently. \ 
Bravo, John! You're as good as any of them! [To 
Hard.] Isnt he good, though ? 

Hard. [Shifts position again. Speaks with perfunc- 
tory enthusiasm.] Fine! Great! [Pauses for a second.] 
Er — did you say LeClere? 

Dr. H. [Sits L. c. out of breath, a little tired, wipes 
forehead, fans himself zvith a newspaper, etc.] Phew! 
It's hotter than I thought! Hey.? LeClere.? Yes, he 
takes the part of the jealous husband. You know him, 
don't you? It's the one they call "Bunny." Good- 
looking fellow without any sense. 

Mrs. H. [Admonishing.] John! 

Hard. [Rises and stands by mantel, resting elbow on 
it, face slightly averted.] Oh yes, I know Bunny LeClere. 

Dr. H. [To Mrs. H.] Can't help it, Martha, the poor 
fellow hasn't any sense. [To Hard.] If you know 
him, you'll agree that that's putting it mildly! 

Hard. [Same attitude.] Oh, that's rather severe, 
isn't it, doctor.? I — I always thought Bunny was a 
very good sort. 

Dr. H. Oh, I didn't mean that he wasn't all right 
everywhere except here — [Taps his forehead.] I must 
say — [Wags head with a grimace.] 

Hard. [At mantelpiece, palpable effort to speak nat- 
urally.] I — I shouldn't wonder if I knew some of the 
others — ? 

Dr. H. Oh yes, all of 'em! There's Tom Washburn 
and the little Pierce girl and Clifford Patton — 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts.] But he can't get here this 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 13 

evening. Jackson just told me Mr. Patton had tele- 
phoned over not to expect him — some business or 
something. [To Hard.] So there's his place at table 
all ready for you, and you needn't have any more 
scruples about — [Halts a little abruptly, looks steadily 
at him.] 

Hard. [Perfunctory.] You are so kind. [To Dr. H.] 
You were saying — ? 

Dr. H. [Frowns.] I was trying to think who the other 
one is — there's somebody else — Oh yes, of course! 
Mrs. LeClere — Mrs. " Bunny" ! She plays the coquet- 
tish wife. You know her. 

[Mrs. H. glances apprehensively at Hard. Rises and 
moves to the side of Dr. H.'s chair, with assumption of 
carelessness.] 

Hard. [Same manner and attitude.] Why, yes — I — 
oh yes — 

Dr. H. She was Edith Richardson, you know. Mar- 
ried LeClere here about a year ago, wasn't it? [Jerks 
head aside.] What is it, Martha? What are you trying 
to fix? [Feels all around his collar, annoyed.] 

Mrs. H. [Quickly.] Your cravat's worked loose. 
[Puts her hand on his shoulder and glances significantly 
towards Hard.] 

Dr. H. [Not noticing the dumb-show.] Oh! [Business 
of adjusting cravat. To Hard.] I forget whether that 
LeClere wedding was just before or just after you went 
away — it was about that time anyhow — [Testily, 
jerking away.] Martha, my dear! You don't know 
how that tickles! 

Mrs. H. [Shrugs helplessly. Moves away from him.] 
Oh well! [Glances at Hard. Hastily.] Er — ah — 
isn't it lovely weather just now? 



14 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dr. H. [To Hard.] Mrs. LeClere is a beautiful 
dancer — beautiful — ! 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts desperately.] Lovely weather! I 
hope it will be as nice as this to-morrow evening — 

Dr. H. [Continues to Hard.] Seems to me I re- 
member now seeing you do some kind of fancy dancing 
with her, didn't you once ? 

Hard. [At mantel, running his fingers mechanically 
along the shelf, face averted.] Yes. I've danced with 
her. 

[Sky outside beginning to darken from this point on.] 

Dr. H. Looking for matches, Dick.? Want to smoke? 
[Jumps up briskly, crossing R. as he speaks.] There 
ought to be some there, right under your hand. The 
place is so upset, though — [Business of feeling for 
matches.] Ah, here's a box of 'em. [Exclamation.] 
Hello, Jackson's got the revolver! I told him to go 
down to the village and see if he could beg, borrow or 
steal one for us to use in the pantomime. [Takes up 
revolver, handling it gingerly.] 

Mrs. H. [Nervously.] Do be careful, John! 

Dr. H. My dear, I don't intend to experiment with 
it — I'm not one of these didn't know-it-was-loaded 
fools. [To Hard.] You know how to handle the things, 
without doubt? 

Hard. [Rouses himself with some effort.] Eh ? Oh — 
why — this way. [Takes revolver and demonstrates.] 
It's empty now. Here's where the shells go. Then 
you close it up so — see ? And if you want to kill 
somebody — [Forces a light tone.] — you do like this. 
[Shows action of trigger.] 

Mrs. H. [Starts and exclaims nervously as weapon 
clicks.] Oh please! It might go off! 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 15 

Dr. H. Tst, tst, Martha, don't be foolish! There's 
nothing for it to go off with just now. [Takes revolver 
from Hard. Adjusts eyeglass, examining it. Looks up 
and around. To Mrs. H.] Turn on the Hghts, if you 
please, my dear, I can't see a thing. [To Hard.] Jack- 
son was to get some blank cartridges — shells — what- 
ever you call 'em. See if there are any there, Dick, 
will you.? 

[Enter Jack. r. u. with arms full of large pasteboard 
boxes. Mrs. H. business of going about the room, ttirning 
on electric-lights in lamps, sconces, etc. Pressing button 
inside doors turns on porch-light illuminating terrace. 
At u. c. encounters Jack. Business of talking to him. 
Complete darkness outside. Room brightly lighted.] 

Hard. [Searches mantelpiece. To Dr. H.] This 
seems to be the shells. Two boxes. [Holds boxes one 
on top of the other, glancing at the top one as he hands it 
to Dr. H.] Blank Thirty-twos. 

Dr. H. [Casual glance at boxes.] Very good. The 
shells are one of our most necessary properties, you 
know. Got to have the noise — the report, that is — 
[Replaces revolver and boxes on mantel as he speaks.] 

Mrs. H. [u. c. Calls.] Hadn't you both better go 
and get dressed.? Everybody will be here presently. 
They've just sent over the costumes. [Indicates Jack- 
son's boxes by a gesture, coming down c. as Jack, con- 
tinues across up-stage with load, and exit L. u.] 

Dr. H. [Rebellious.] Oh, dress! I don't want to 
dress, Martha! I wont dress! I'm perfectly clean — 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts.] Now, John — ! 

Dr. H. [Interrupts, stubborn, raising his voice.] I am 
clean! Look at this waistcoat, Dick, isn't it clean? 

Hard. [Retreats, amused, embarrassed.] Why, of 



1 6 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

course, doctor, of course! But I believe Til just go 
up — [Going R. u.] 

Mrs. H. Never mind him, Mr. Harding, we have 
this same fuss every evening. [To Dr. H.] Come now, 
John! 

[Exit Hard. r. u.] 

Dr. H. [Grumbling and holding hack as Mrs. H. 
tows him up-stage.] I tell you, Martha, it's all nonsense. 
Evening clothes for dinner! 

[Voices and laughter heard off L. distantly.] 

Mrs. H. [Leads Dr. H. r. u. Imperative.] S-sh! 
There they come! 

Dr. H. [Same business.] Let 'em come! Dress for 
a parcel of young jumping-jacks — ! 

Mrs. H. Sh-h! [Lowers voice, rapid, worried.] You 
know, John, I just happened to remember something — 
I don't know what we're going to do about it — 

Dr. H. Hey.? 

Mrs. H. [Same manner.] It's going to be frightfully 
awkward — 

Dr. H. [Puzzled.] Huh.? 

Mrs. H. I tried my best to stop you talking about 
it a minute ago — 

Dr. H. [Sarcastic calm.] If you'll kindly tell me 
what we're talking about now — .? 

Mrs. H. Why, Edith Richardson — Edith LeClere, 
that is — and this young Mr. Harding — don't you 
remember the talk? He was desperately in love with 
her, and they say they were as good as engaged — 

[Halts abruptly as voices and laughter heard off L. much 
nearer. Both glance alertly in that direction.] 

Mrs. H. [Goes on more rapidly.] And then all at 
once she threw him over and married this Franklin 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 17 

LeClere. That was why he — [Gesture towards the ceil- 
ing.] — went off, round the world — 

Dr. H. [Interrupts.] Oh, that's all gossip! 

Mrs. H. [Positive.] No, John, it's true! You didn't 
notice how his face changed when you began to talk 
about her — I couldn't make you stop — 

Dr. H. [Loud, uneasy, but obstinate.] Oh, bosh! 
Anyhow, there's nothing zve can do — 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts.] Sh-h! 

[Both going r. u. Dr. H. talking, Mrs. H. hushing 
him.] 

Dr. H. Harding might as well face it first as last, — 

Mrs. H. Sh-h! 

[Exeunt R. u.] 

[Enter l. u. Jack. Business of going about, picking 
up things and straightening room, putting chairs and 
tables where they belong, etc. He finds Harding's tumbler 
on the mantelpiece, Dr. Hitchcock's on the seat of a 
chair, places them on the tray; as he lifts it, and starts u. 
enter by terrace-doors Edith LeClere.] 

Ed. [Stands on threshold, looking about. Half-turns, 
looking off-stage l. Calls.] Oh, they've taken the doors 
down! Everything's all ready! [Turns towards room, 
sees Jack.] Ah, Jackson! [Comes down c] 

Jack. [Pauses, tray in hands. Respectful.] Good- 
evening, Mrs. LeClere. 

Ed. [Business of taking off light wrap, touching hair, 
dress, etc.] Will you take this, please.? [Holds out wrap, 
but immediately withdraws it.] Oh, your hands are full. 
Never mind. 

Jack. [Apologetic] In just a minute, if you please, 
madame — [Going r. u.] 

Ed. [Throws wrap on chair.] Oh, it's no matter, 



l8 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Jackson. [Glances around.] We must be early. Hasn*t 
Mrs. Hitchcock come down yet? 

Jack. [At door r. u.] Oh yes, madame! She's ex- 
pecting you. [Opens door.] 

Ed. [At table l. d. picks up newspaper, glancing over 
it; casually.] Is Mr. Patton here? 

Jack. [Holding door open.] No, madame. He tele- 
phoned he couldn't come. 

Ed. [Drops paper, exclaims; dismayed.] Cant come? 
Why, what's the matter? 

Jack. [Same business.] I couldn't say, ma'am. He 
just telephoned he had important business and not to 
expect him. [Waits a second, patient and respectful; then 
exit, closing door noiselessly.] 

[At same moment, enter by terrace Dorothy Pierce 
and Tom Washburn.] 

Wash. [Speaks from behind Dor. looking over her 
head.] Hello, all set? 

Dor. Isn't that lattice darling! [On threshold, look- 
ing around.] Why, where is everybody? 

[Dor. and Wash, come down c. Business of beginning 
to take off wraps.] 

Ed. [r. c] They'll come down directly, I suppose, 
but what do you think? ClifF Patton won't be 
here! 

[Exclamations. Others stop abruptly. Wash, with 
one arm in sleeve of overcoat. Dor. taking off scarf.] 

Wash. Hey? 

Dor. He wont? Why? 

Ed. [Shrugs.] Don't know. Jackson says he simply 
telephoned he couldn't come. 

[A slight pause; all gaze blankly at one another.] 

Dor. [Ejaculates.] Christmas and New Year's! [Drops 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 19 

into chair l. D. fists on arms of it.] Now what shall we do ? 
[Grimace.] 

Wash. [l. Finishes taking off overcoat.] Why didn't 
ClifF telephone all of us while he was about it? 

Ed. [Shrugs.] Maybe he hadn't time. But we 
can't rehearse without him. And this is our last 
chance! 

Dor. [7*0 Ed.] I'll tell you! Let your husband take 
ClifF's place. Couldn't he? 

Ed. [A little impatient.] Oh, Dolly! You know Mr. 
LeClere can't dance a step. And besides he couldn't 
very well act two parts at once. [Goes R. to lounge. 
Sits.] 

Wash. [As she turns her back, to Dor. lowers his voice, 
grinning.] Well, I'll bet Bunny'd try! [They exchange 
a glance, business of controlling amusement.] 

Wash. [Aloud.] We'll have to press Dr. Hitchcock 
into service — Oh ! [Interrupts himself as Dor. makes 
a gesture. Turns up-stage.] 

[Enter R. u. Mrs. Hitchcock. All rise.] 

Mrs. H. Well, well, good-evening, all of you! [Comes 
down.] Apologies! Dr. Hitchcock will be down in a 
second. Is everyone here? [To Ed.] I don't see Mr. 
LeClere. 

Ed. [Somewhat embarrassed.] Why, he stopped to 
put his costume on. He won't be long. 

Mrs. H. [Surprised.] His costume? But the cos- 
tumes are here, my dear. I thought you were going to 
dress after dinner. [Looks around at the others who are 
in ordinary evening-dress, puzzled.] 

Ed. [Embarrassed.] All but Mr. LeClere. He — 
er — he thought it would — er — save time if he came 
already dressed. 



20 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Ed. and Mrs. H. business of talking together in front 
of fireplace.] 

Dor. [To Wash, low voice.] He's crazy over his cos- 
tume, you know. He would have put it on for every 
rehearsal, if Edith had let him. Isn't that just like 
Bunny LeClere.? [Aloud, as Ed. and Mrs. H. turn in 
their direction.] You've heard the sad news about 
ClifF Patton, I suppose, Mrs. Hitchcock.? 

Mrs. H. [Coming down c. pauses, startled.] Mr. 
Patton.? Why, no! What is it? Has anything hap- 
pened to him } He's not sick .? [Looks from one to an- 
other alarmed.] 

[Dor. and Wash, burst of laughter, unable to reply. 
Mrs. H. turns to Ed. bewildered.] 

Ed. [Smiles, reassuring manner.] No indeed, Mrs. 
Hitchcock, don't be frightened. Nothing's happened. 
Dolly just means that he can't come to the re- 
hearsal. 

Mrs. H. [Relieved, half vexed.] Oh, is that all.? 
[Shakes fan at Dor. in mock menace.] Take care, miss, 
or I'll send you to bed without any supper! [Sits l. c] 
Of course I knew that Mr. Patton wasn't coming. 
[Placidly.] You'll have to go over it without him. 

[Dor. and Wash, sit d. l. Ed. r. c. General move- 
ment, and protesting ejaculation.] 

Wash. [Shakes head.] Well, I don't know — 

Dor. Why, we cant — ! 

Ed, [7^0 Mrs. H. explanatory manner.] You see, he's 
my partner, and we haven't had nearly enough practice 
as it is. Besides if he isn't here, it throws the dance 
all out, and everybody will get mixed up. 

Dor. Suppose he doesn't come to-morrow night 
either, I'd like to know what he expects us to do! 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 21 

Ed. We'd have to give it up. You couldn't get any- 
one to take his place as late as this. 

Wash. Well, don't let's borrow trouble. ClifF hasn't 
absconded yet. 

Mrs. H. [Gesture.] And besides I believe you can 
get a substitute — for tonight anyhow — 

[LeClere's voice heard distantly off c. shouting the 
laughing refrain from Mephistopheles' serenade in Faust.] 

"Ha, ha, ha, ha! 
Ah ... ha ... ha ... ha ... !" 

[Everybody jumps.] 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts herself, startled.] Mercy on me, 
what's that.? 

[General movement, everybody turning to look towards 
terrace.] 

Ed. [Rises hastily, annoyed, apologetic] Why — er — 
it's nothing — don't mind it — I mean I think it's 
just Mr. LeClere — don't mind him, Mrs. Hitchcock. 
He's — he's just singing, you know — [Goes up c. and 
stands in terrace doorway, looking off.] 

Mrs. H. [Incredulous astonishment.] Singing, my 
dear? Your husband? It sounded like some crazy 
person — [Catches herself, and stops suddenly, biting her 
lips, confused.] That is — of course I mean — ah — 

Ed. [At terrace-door.] Yes, I can see him coming 
through the shrubbery. [Turns towards others.] Mr. 
LeClere is so fond of that air from Faust — the "Sere- 
nade," you know. 

[LeClere's voice heard off, nearer.] 

"Ma I'amico favorito 
Ma I'amico favorito 
Ricever non val. . . ." 



22 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Mrs. H. [Feebly.] Yes, of course! I recognize it now. 

[Dor. business of fit of giggles. Wash, business of 
trying to stop her and control his own laughter.] 

Ed. [Returns slowly down c. Indifferently.] Franklin 
likes to sing — don't pay any attention to it, Mrs. 
Hitchcock. [With interest.] You were just starting 
to tell us about some possible substitute for Mr. Patton. 

Mrs. H. [All at once embarrassed and cautious.] 
Why, yes — I — I just recollected — [Hesitates, begins 
again, a little too voluble and enthusiastic] It's the most 
fortunate thing — he only just turned up this afternoon 
-—the doctor just happened to ask him to dinner — 
quite unintentionally, you know — well — er — I mean 
— ah — [Flounders. Desperately, unnaturally casual 
manner.] it's — it's a Mr. Harding. 

[Ed. halts, half-way down from terrace-doors, at R. c. 
Stands facing audience, perfectly still for a second, then 
takes up long chain about her neck and runs it through 
her fingers, examining the links.] 

Wash. [Surprised.] Not Dick Harding.? You don't 
say so.f* 

[Dor. silent, alertly watches Ed. Mrs. H. palpably 
nervous.] 

Ed. [Same business. Composed voice and manner.] 
Mr. Harding? Oh yes! He's been away, hasn't he? 

[A slight pause.] 

[Enter LeClere, u. c. in Pierrot costume. Strikes 
melodramatic attitude. Nobody sees him.] 

LeCl. [Sings.] 

"Ha, ha, ha, ha! 
Ah ... ha ... ha ... ha ... !" 

[Everybody jumps and turns to look.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 23 

[Enter R, u. violently Dr. Hitchcock. Everybody 
turns towards him. General movement. Dor. and Wash. 
rise.] 

Dr. H. [Business of greeting them curtly.] Oh, good- 
evening, all of you! [7*0 Mrs. H. coming down^ loud 
and angry.] Martha, did you hear some fool bawling 
around our grounds just now.? [Mimics.] Yah . . . 
Yah ... Yah ... Yah .. . ! — like that? Right 
under our very windows — it's an outrage! [Storms 
around in a rage, getting louder and louder.] V\\ complain 
to the authorities! We aren't allowed a minute of 
privacy — ! 

Mrs. H. [Business of repeated vain attempts to stop 
him.] Sh-h, John, please — ! 

Dr. H. [Louder, not heeding.] I'm a tax-payer and 
I propose to have my rights! Of all the abominable 
racket — ! 

Mrs. H. [Same business.] But do listen — ! 

Dr. H. [Calms down a little, but still impatient.] Oh, 
I know what you're going to say, Martha. You're 
always so afraid of making trouble for somebody. Well, 
Fm not! [Starts across to door L. u.] I'm going to tele- 
phone at once. We don't have to be overrun with 
maniacs and idiots — [Encounters LeCl. Halts, startled, 
not recognizing him.] Who's this.? [Feels for and tries 
to adjust eyeglasses.] 

LeCl. [Shout of laughter.] Ha, ha, ha — ho-ho! 
Caught you that time, doctor! You didn't know who 
you were talking about! [Claps Dr. H. on back.] Ha, 
ha, ha, that's a joke! 

Dr. H. [Staggers under blow, dropping eyeglasses to 
the end of their ribbon.] What the devil? [Recovers. 
Gets eyeglasses in place.] Oh! It's you! 



24 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

LeCl. [Unaffected amusement.] Sure! Why, that 
was me singing that you heard! I'm the fool you were 
going on about just now! [Claps him on back. To 
others^ breaking into laughter between zvords.] He called 
me a fool — ha, ha, ha — he-he-he-ha ! — right before 
my face, mind you — ha, ha, ho! — [Wags head, wiping 
tears of enjoyment from his eyes.] That's a pretty good 
one on you, doctor! 

Dr. H. [Same business, drops eyeglasses, recovers and 
readjusts them.] Very sorry, LeClere! I entreat you to 
believe I wouldn't ordinarily call you a fool — [Pauses, 
deliberately removes glasses, wipes them, readjusts^ them.] 
— before your face. 

[Dor. andWAsn. business of stifling laughter. Mrs. H. 
anxious look. Ed. with air of complete indifference, 
moves down R. sits on lounge.] 

LeCl. [Warmly.] Oh, that's all right, doctor! I 
knew you weren't dreaming it was / — 

Dr. H. [Grunts.] Ungh! 

LeCl. Fact is, I suppose I hadn't any business sing- 
ing — 

Dr. H. [Emphatic] Certainly not! 

LeCl. In the night air that way, I know it's bad for 
the throat — 

Dr. H. And for the ears, too! 

LeCl. [Surprised.] Is it.? I never heard that be- 
fore! But the way of it was this: this was the way it 
was, you know. I was coming along in the moonlight — 
no, it must have been the electric light — the moon's 
not bright enough yet — it must have been that very 
strong electric light on the post right by the entrance 
to your grounds — you know where that is — .? [Pauses 
an instant expectantly.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 25 

[During above ^ Dr. H. and Mrs. H. standing nearest 
LeCl. at c. with expression of bored politeness. Dor. 
and Wash. l. d. business of murmuring together, openly 
paying no attention to LeCl. Ed. on lounge R. looking 
away absently, makes no pretense of listening.] 

[Enter Jack. r. u. with tray of cocktails and sandwiches.] 

Dr. H. [Answers LeCl. at random.] Eh } Oh yes — 
quite so — [Turns to Mrs. H., draws her aside a little, 
business of exchanging questions and remarks.] 

LeCl. Well, as I was saying, I was just coming along, 
not thinking of anything in particular — [Pauses, 
seeing Jack, advancing with tray.] 

Dr. H. [Same business. Absent-minded warmth.] 
No, indeed, of course not! [Business of continuing con- 
versation with Mrs. H.] 

LeCl. [Takes cocktail from tray which Jack, offers 
him.] When all at once I saw my shadow — [Stops to 
select a sandwich.] 

[All same business. Jack, business of moving from one 
to another offering tray. LeCl. goes on talking, glass in 
hand, sandwich in the other, business of an occasional 
drink or bite.] 

LeCl. It made me jump, by Jove! In this costume, 
with this tall feather sticking up at the back of the 
cap — [Bites, speaks with mouth full] — it looked like 
the devil in the opera, you know — [Swallows mouthful. 
Drinks.] — so that's what started me singing. Funny, 
wasn't it.? Here y'are, Jackson! [Gesture with empty 
glass.] Corking good Manhattan! [Sets glass on tray.] 

Jack. [Respectful acknowledgment.] Yes, sir. [Goes 

R. U.] 

LeCl. [Finishing sandwich. Looks around.] Hello, 
what's the matter with everybody? You're as quiet 



26 THREEl.SHORT PLAYS 

as so many oysters — [Interrupts himself with ges- 
ture.] — Oh, say, that reminds me of a conundrum I once 
heard — 

Dr. H. [Interrupts.] Just a minute, please! [Calls 
after Jack.] Don't take those away yet, Jackson! 
Leave them here until Mr. Harding comes down, he'll 
want one. [Goes u. a few steps.] 

[Jack, already at door R. u. stops, returns, arranges 
tray on small table R. near end of lounge. Exit R. u.] 

LeCl. [Continues to Mrs. H. standing near hy, but 
obviously not listening to him. Others same business as 
before.] At least, it wasn't a conundrum exactly, but 
one of those things they catch you with. It went like 
this: What sort of a noise annoys an oyster.? 

Dr. H. [Returning to Mrs. H.] If Harding's willing 
to take Cliff's part at short notice — [Breaks off as she 
makes a gesture, calling his attention to LeCl. To LeCl. 
vaguely.] Ah — er — you were saying — .? 

LeCl. What sort of a noise annoys an oyster.? 

Dr. H. [Astounded.] Hey.? 

LeCl. It's a catch — one of these catches, you know — 
only I can't remember what comes next. But that's 
rather cute, don't you think, just by itself.? A noise 
annoys an oyster! Such a lot of funny sounds! A 
noise annoys — 

Dr. H. [Interrupts hastily.] Have a cigarette.? [Of- 
fers box. I^eCl. takes one.] Won't you? [To Wash.] 

[Business of men lighting cigarettes. Dor., Wash, and 
LeCl. business of talking together. Dr. H. offers Mrs. H. 
a cigarette with burlesque gallantry. She rejects it in- 
dignantly; crosses R.; sits on lounge, business of talking 
with Ed. Dr. H. lights cigarette, looks at watch. All 
this business should not occupy more than a minute.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 27 

Dr. H. [As he replaces watch, glancing towards door 
R. u.] Well, I make no bones of announcing that Vm 
hungry. [Addresses the company generally.] Shall we 
wait for Richard? 

Mrs. H. [Remonstratingly.] Oh, I think we'd better, 
John. 

LeCl. [Turns away from Dor. aW Wash. Heartily.] 
Wait for him.? Why, of course, let's wait! I didn't 
know old Dick was anywhere near home until they 
told me just now. [Jerks head towards Dor. and Wash. 
Calls across to Ed.] Dick Harding's here, Edith. Isn't 
that bully.? 

Ed. [Composed.] Yes, indeed! 

LeCl. They've just been saying they're going to 
get him to be your partner instead of ClifF. I call that 
great luck! Dick can make rings around ClifF Patton 
dancing — 

Dor. [Interrupts.] But we don't know yet whether 
Mr. Harding will do it. 

LeCl. [Chuckles.] We should worry about that! 
Why, Harding used to dance with Edith all the time! 
[With pride.] She's such a bully dancer, you know. 
Why, lots of people have said to me that Pavlova 
couldn't touch her — 

Ed. [Interrupts, embarrassed, annoyed, trying to pass 
it over with a laugh.] Really, Franklin — ! 

LeCl. They have, too, Edith, you know they have! 
And they wouldn't have any object in saying such a 
thing to me unless they meant it! / didn't ask 'em to 
say it! They came and told me of their own accord. 
[To others, with pride.] And besides Pavlova isn't in it 
with Edith when it comes to looks — isn't that so? 
Oh, of course, you've all seen more of Pavlova — I 



28 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

mean you've seen more of her dancing — oh, pshaw, 
I don't mean that either — 

[Everybody laughing. Dr. H. outright, Mrs. H. de- 
corously amused, Wash, uproariously. Dor. giggling, 
Ed. half amused, half irritated.] 

LeCl. [Perfectly good-natured.] You all know what 
I mean — I mean you've seen Pavlova oftener — 
Well, go ahead and laugh all you want to! I know it 
sounded funny. Everybody always laughs at me 
anyhow — I don't care! It's so, anyhow. About 
Edith's dancing, I mean. You'll see Dicky Harding 
will jump at the chance to dance with her. Only — 
[Shakes head, frowning suddenly.] — I don't believe he'll 
care much about this music. I wonder if we couldn't 
get something in place of that bum old phonograph. If 
Harding doesn't say it's the worst ever — Hey.'' Oh — 
er — [Halts abruptly as Wash, gives him a savage nudge. 
Flounders.] Well — that is — 

[Others out of countenance, glancing at Dr. H. Dor. 
and Wash, both try to speak at once.] 

Dor. [Loud and awkwardly.] Why — er — ahem- 
hem! [Coughs unnaturally.] 

Wash. [Same business.] Oh — er — ahem-hem! 

Dr. H. [A little stiff.] I think the music, such as it 
is, is quite adequate to the performance, LeClere — to 
your part of it, at any rate. 

LeCl. [Conscious of having blundered, regretful, 
anxious to make amends.] Oh yes! Oh, the music's all 
right for me, doctor! / don't do any dancing. Any old 
music would do for me, no matter how punk it was! 
I just thought Harding would want something good — 
that is — er — [Flounders.] — of course this music's 
first-rate, only — maybe Harding might be more used 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 29 

to one of these modern machines, you know — the up- 
to-date ones. 

Dr. H. Indeed? 

LeCl. [Regaining confidence.] Oh, there isn't any 
comparison! Of course that old kind with the horn 
was fine in its time — [Interrupts himself hastily.] — and 
this one's all right still, of course, plenty good enough 
for what you want, but — [Enthusiastic] — you ought 
to hear the new ones! Ever seen one? They've got 
disks, you know, instead of those ridiculous old wax 
cylinders — disks — like this, you know — [Illustrates 
with his hands.] 

Wash. [Interrupts imperatively.] Oh, hire a hall. 
Bunny! We know all about 'em. [To Dor. briskly.] 
While we're waiting, let's put on the "Ancient Dance" 
record, and practice a little. Come on! [Crosses R. D. 
To others.] You don't mind? 

Dr. H. [Ironical politeness.] If Mr. LeClere can 
stand it — ! [Goes u. pausing by lounge. Business of 
talking to Mrs. H. and Ed.] 

LeCl. [S^^nij L. D.] M^ stand it? Why, I — [Stops, 
puzzled and troubled.] 

[Dor. joins Wash, by phonograph r. d. Business for 
both of them of winding up machine, and trying to prepare 
it.] 

Dor. [Low voice.] I don't see how we can practice 
anything, just we two — 

Wash. [Interrupts, low voice.] We can't. I just 
wanted to cover up that break of Bunny's, or get by 
it, somehow. It was just like him. [Aloud, tinkering 
with machine.] Look here, there's a record on already, 
and I can't get it off. What d'ye do, doctor, do you 
know? [Same business.] 



30 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dor. [Anxious.] Well, don't fuss with it anyhow, 
you might break something. 

Dr. H. [Turns. Comes down.] I'm not much of a 
mechanic. [Bends over machine, adjusting eyeglasses, 
and examining it gingerly.] 

Mrs. H. Better have Jackson, John dear. [To Edith.] 
Will you ring? 

[Ed. rises, moves to side of mantel, stands with finger 
on push-button.] 

LeCl. [Jumps up eagerly.] I'll get him, Mrs. Hitch- 
cock. Where is he? 

Ed. [Cool voice.] Never mind, Franklin. [Makes a 
slight imperative gesture, and he sits down again obediently \ 

Dr. H. [At phonograph. Same business \ It seems to 
be locked — [Interrupts himself suddenly, straightens 
up.] — Oh, I remember now! We were going to try an 
experiment. I had Jackson put on a blank cylinder, 
so that we could talk into the thing and get a record of 
our own voices. 

Dor. [Interrupts; enthusiastic] Oh, doctor, how per- 
fectly grand ! 

Wash. [Almost at the same time.] Say, that would 
be fun! 

LeCl. [Crosses R. D. With interest, gazing at phono- 
graph.] Can you do that ? 

[Enter Jack. r. u. Comes down c. Business of 
Mrs. H. speaking to him.] 

Dr. H. [To LeCl. pointedly but good-naturedly.] 
Not with the disk kind, I think! [Sees Jack.] Oh, 
come here! [To others, motioning them to stand aside.] 
Let him attend to it. 

[All R. D. grouped near phonograph. Jack, business 
of looking it all over.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 31 

LeCl. [Stands at Jack.'s side, obviously very much in 
the way.] What d'ye do to it, anyhow? 

Jack. [Patient, respectful.] I don't know that I 
could explain it to you, sir. They showed me how at 
the phonograph-place. 

Wash. It works Hke some of these dictagraphs they 
have nowadays, I expect. 

Jack. I couldn't say, sir. You sort of throw it out 
of gear and then you sort of reverse the action — [In- 
terrupts himself, interposing his hand quickly between 
LeCl. and the machine.] — If you please, sir — ! 

Wash. [Sharply.] Look out, Bunny, you're right 
in his way! 

LeCl. Oh! [Retreats.] 

Jack. [Respectfully, to LeCl.] It's all right, sir, if 
you want to look — only you see there's this here little 
key thing at the side here — [Shows him.] — that sets 
it going. It moves so easy — just with the least little 
touch, and if you was to turn it on while nobody was 
talking into it, why, you'd waste that much space on 
the record, you know, sir. 

Dr. H. [Addresses the company.] Well now, what is 
it you want.? The blank record taken off, and the 
other one put on.? 

Dor. [Excited.] Oh no! [To others.] Let's leave it 
on, and everybody talk into it! [To Dr. H. coaxingly.] 
Do let's, doctor! Come on, Edith, don't you want to.? 
[To Mrs. H.] You'll have to, too, you know! [To 
Wash.] Aren't you crazy to hear your own voice? I 
think that will be the weirdest thing — ! [To Jack.] 
Could we have a regular conversation; all of us talking 
at once? 

Dr. H. [Raises hand, checking her good-humorfdly.] 



32 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Wait! Wait just one second! [To Jack.] Is it 
ready? 

Jack. Yes, sir. 

Dr. H. [Lower voice. Others business of talking to- 
gether.] I suppose one record will hold all the voices? 
Of course it depends on how long each one talks — ? 

Jack. [Respectful, innocent, serious.] Three ladies, 
sir? [Dubious, shaking head.] I don't know, sir — 

Dr. H. Well — er — [Laughs, tries to turn it into a 
cough.] — Ho-ha — errungh! Ha-ha — ahem! [Turns 
to company.] Well? All ready? 

[A pause, everybody looking at everybody else.] 

Dr. H. [Looks around.] No candidates? 

[Same business.] 

Dr. H. [To Dor.] What's become of all your en- 
thusiasm? 

Dor. [Hangs back.] Oh, somebody else go first! 
Mrs. Hitchcock, you go! 

Mrs. H. [Decidedly.] No, indeed! Edith — ? 

Ed. [Amused.] Wait till I've thought up something 
brilliant. 

LeCl. You don't have to talk, do you? [To Jack.] 
Can't I sing? [Moves forward.] 

Jack. [Innocent.] I don't know, sir. I don't think it 
makes much difference what kind of a sound you make. 

[Dr. H., Mrs. H., Dor., Wash, business of choking 
down laughter. Jack, innocent, respectful, silent.] 

Ed. [Stops LeCl. as he advances to phonograph. Low 
voice, forced patience.] I think perhaps you'd better 
not, Franklin. You know you might take more than 
your share of the space on the record — 

LeCl. [Interrupts, earnestly.] No, I won't, Edith. 
I'd only sing one verse — 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 33 

Ed. [Interrupts, same manner.] Fm afraid you'd 
forget and go on too long — [They go u. business of 
talking.] 

[A very slight pause, everybody watching Ed. and LeCl. 
for a second.] 

Wash. [Abruptly.] Here, I'll say something into it, 
just to start the rest of you. [Steps in front of horn, 
cigarette in one hand. Stands about a yard from the 
instrument.] Is this near enough, Jackson.? 

Jack. Yes, sir, just about. [Hand on machine.] 
Will you say when you're going to begin, sir? 

Wash. All right. Let her go! 

[Jack, business of setting machine going. It starts with 
barely audible click, and makes a faint grinding noise.] 

Wash. [Shouts.] Hello, there! [Pauses. Smokes. 
Considers.] Yours truly, Thomas R. Washburn! [Steps 
back and aside. Natural voice.] That's all, Jackson. 
[Glances around.] Next! 

[Jack, business of stopping machine.] 

[Dor. advances hesitatingly.] 

Dr. H. [Amused.] All? Why, isn't that rather — 
rather condensed? You might have added a few re- 
marks about the political situation or the stock-market. 

Wash. [Grins.] Not any remarks fit to listen to! 
[To Jack.] Do you think that recorded all right? 

Jack. Oh yes, sir. You didn't need to have spoke 
so loud. 

Dor. [In front of horn.] Oh, dont you ? About how 
loud ought I — ? 

Jack. Just your natural voice, please, miss. Shall 
I start it now? 

Dor. [Desperately.] Yes, go ahead! 

[Jack, same business as before.] 



34 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dor. Oh, gracious, I haven't an idea what to say! . . . 
[Pause.] . . . Why, it's perfectly stupefying! . . . 
[Pause.] . . . Like when people stay too long calling 
and everybody runs out . . . [Pause.] . . . Runs out 
of talk, I mean, of course. . . . [Pause.] . . . This is 
going to sound simply idiotic . . . [Pause.] . . . How 
much of the thing have I used up, Jackson ? An inch ? — 
[Interrupts herself.] — Oh, mercy, I didn't mean for 
that to get taken down ! Can't you stop it ? [Interrupts 
herself with exclamation.] Oh, Mr. Harding! 

[Enter Harding r. u. General movement, jack. 
business of stopping phonograph and examining it. 
Hard, comes down. Business of greetings, everyone 
speaking almost at the same time. Ed. stands L. u. 
Mrs. H. at l. d. Others grouped c. and R.] 

Wash. Hello, Dick! 

LeCl. Welcome to our city! 

[Dr. H. business of giving an order to Jack, then crosses 
L. d. business of exchanging some confidential remarks 
with Mrs. H.] 

Hard. [At same time as others.] Hello, Wash., old 
fellow! Miss Pierce! Bunny, how are you? [Shakes 
hands all around.] 

LeCl. [Eagerly.] Edith's here, too! My wife's here 
too, did you know.? [Raises voice.] Edith! 
^ Hard. [Composed.] Why, yes, of course, I hoped to 
see her — [Turns.] — Mrs. LeClere! 

Ed. [Comes down; smooth and conventional manner.] 
Mr. Harding, so glad you're back! 

Hard. [Conventional.] Thanks, it's very nice of you 
to say so. 

[They shake hands.] 

...LeCl. [Warmly.] Oh, but she means it, don't you, 



AN ANCIENT DANC£ -^^ 

Edith? Everybody's missed you like — like thunder! 
And oh, I say, it's the luckiest thing your being here 
right now! [To others.] Isn't it? [To Hard.] On 
account of this dance, you know. 

Hard. [Puzzled.] Eh? [Takes cocktail from tray 
which Jack, offers.] 

LeCl. Yes, it's all arranged. You're to take Patton's 
place. 

Hard. [Blankly.] Patton's place? [Eyes LeCl. 
over, noticing his costume. Shakes head, turns to Wash.] 
What's the answer, Tom? [Drinks cocktail and sets 
glass hack on waiter.] 

[Exit Jack. l. u.] 

LeCl. [To Hard.] I told you! You're just in time 
to fill in. You're always so good at filling in. 

Wash. [To Hard.] If I'd been in Bunny's place, 
I wouldn't have sprung this on you till after dinner. 

[LeCl., Wash, and Hard, talking together. Ed. and 
Dor. aside l. business of talking together.] 

Dr. H. [To Mks. H. low voice.] Fill in? Isn't he 
tactful? [Loud, turning towards others.] After dinner, 
did you say, Thomas? That's a good suggestion. It 
seems to me we've waited long enough before dinner! 
[Looks at watch, going u.] 

LeCl. [To Hard, apparently finishing explanation.] 
But if you II dance with Edith, we can go right on with 
the rehearsal, you see. 

Hard. [Slight start.] Dance with — ? [Turns. 
Looks at Ed.] 

Ed. [Composed.] Yes, isn't it an appalling prospect? 

Hard. [Momentarily at a loss.] Why — I — I — 
[Stammers.] — I really cant — I — [Visibly upset.] 

Ed. [Conventional mock sympathy.] Dreadful, isn't it? 



36 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

LeCl. [To Hard, warmly.] Pshaw, you can do it 
easy! You're great at any kind of dancing. And don't 
you pay any attention to Edith. She's all the time 
talking that way — saying things she doesn't really 
mean. 

Hard. [Recovering a little. Smoothly, looking at Ed.] 
Yes, I know that! 

LeCl. She's just in fun, you know. Why, she knows 
how well you can dance, and you know how she dances, 
and you both know that the other one knows that you 
each know — 

Wash. [Grinning.] Look out. Bunny, you're going 
back in the same hole you came out of! 

[Movement and laughter. Hard, recovering poise.] 

LeCl. [Good-natured.] All right, all of you laugh all 
you want to. You know I'm in earnest, only I'm not 
very good at saying things. [To Ed.] You ask him — 
he'll do it if you ask him to! 

Ed. [Pleasant, civil, reasonable.] But if Mr. Harding 
doesn't really want to — 

[A slight pause, everybody looking at Hard.] 

Hard. [Looks at Ed. uncertainly.] I — I — I'm 
afraid — that is, I don't believe — [Flounders.] 

Dor. [Mischievous.] You want to be coaxed, Mr. 
Harding. [To others.] That's what ails him! 

Hard. [Recovering.] Oh, come now. Miss Pierce! 

Dr. H. [Interrupts, loud voice.] Well, settle it among 
yourselves, Vm going to dinner — [Goes R. u.] 

Mrs. H. [Pursues him, expostulating.] Now, John — ! 
[Business of detaining him at door R. u.] 

Wash. [To Hard.] You might accommodate us, 
just for to-night anyhow. 

Hard. [Once more at ease.] Why, of course! De- 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 37 

lighted to! The only thing is I don't like to bore Mrs. 
LeClere — [To Ed.] — I don't know a single step or 
figure that you're going to do! 

[Enter Jack. r. u. Throws door open wide, bows 
silently to Mrs. H.] 

LeCl. [To Hard.] Oh, they're easy — at least they 
look easy when she does 'em. [To Ed.] Show him 
that one just before the end — when I shoot you, you 
know — you said that was the only hard place. 

Ed. [Hesitates, showing embarrassment and reluctance 
for the first time.] Why, I — we haven't any music — 

LeCl. That's all right, I'll whistle it. [Begins whis- 
tling air of dance.] 

[Ed. takes position at c. Hard, moves opposite to her. 
Other f fall back.] 

Ed. [To Hard.] You have to take my hand — [Ex- 
tends hand; Hard, hesitates an instant, then takes it.] 

Ed. [Continuing.] And the step is like this. [Demon- 
strates; Hard, watches and imitates her.] 

Wash. Look out! Jackson's flagging us. [Goes u.j 

LeCl. [Breaks of whistle.] That's it, old chap! 
Fine! Told you you'd get it right off! [Watches them 
a second longer, then goes u.] 

Ed. [Halts in midAle of figure. To Hard.] No, now 
your other hand, please. We must turn here. This 
way. [Demonstrates \ 

Hard. Oh, I see ! [Same business.] 

Mrs. H. [At door r. u. Indulgent patience.] Well, 
young people — ? 

Hard. [Over his shoulder, absorbed in dance.] All 
right, in a minute! 

[Dr. H. raises hands to Heaven in burlesque tragedy. 
Exit R. u.l 



SS THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dor. [Runs r. u. Seizes Mrs. H. around the waist.] 
Mrs. Hitchcock, you're an angel of patience! 

Wash. [Follows.] You bet! Nobody else would 
stand for us! 

Mrs. H. [Smiling.] My mind's at ease. The soup 
is iced! 

[Exeunt R. u. Mrs. H., Dor., Wash, and LeCl. 
talking and laughing.] 

[Ed. and Hard, business of continuing dance for a few 
moments.] 

Ed. [Stops.] Now here is the hard part. We have 
to be careful or we'll bungle it. It's where I'm killed, 
you know — [Looks around] — I ought to have more 
room to fall — [Moves down c] 

[Hard, follows her; stands silent with folded arms, 
looking at her intently.] 

Ed, [Continues.] — It's a little like that dance we 
did in the Kirmess, don't you remember — .? [Stops 
herself abruptly, meeting his eyes. Confused.] That 
is — [Hesitates.] 

Hard. Yes, I remember. 

Y.T>. [Hurriedly.] Maybe we'd better do that last 
bit over again. I think I can sing the air. [Sings.] 
Tra la lala — 

[They repeat the last few steps of the movement.] 

Ed. [Pauses, close to phonograph. Hard, directly 
in front of the horn, but some distance away.] Now! I 
am supposed to fall dying. Oh, you're too far off! 
You have to catch me — [Meets his eyes; same business 
as before.] That is, you — you must — you mustn't — 
[Falters; retreats against phonograph, as he advances.] 

Hard. [Advances until he stands in front of phonograph- 
horn within a yard of it. Ln a strained voice.] Here? 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 39 

Ed. [Momentary panic] Don't! Don't come any 
nearer! [Makes a nervous gesture^ unconsciously jogging 
phonograph; it sets the machinery in motion with a click, 
and slight whirring sound as before; neither one notices 
it; Ed. recovers herself a little, makes a desperate effort 
to appear natural and at ease. Laughs hysterically.] 
Oh, didn't that sound absurd .? I meant, of course, you 
don't have to be any nearer — that is, I mean — I — 
I — [Halts helplessly.] 

Hard. Edith! [Makes a violent movement towards 
her, which, however, he immediately controls, keeping 
position in front of phonograph-horn.] I — [Stops, 
agitated.] 

Ed. [Agitated, imploring.] Oh, please — ! 

Hard. [With an effort.] Don't be afraid. I'll not 
forget myself again — not altogether anyhov/. You're 
another man's wife, and I'm not such a sweep that — 
[Pause.] — I ought not to have come back. 

Ed. [Tremulously.] Why, you — you had to come 
back some time — 

Hard. [Wearily.] Oh yes, I had to some time . . . 
[Pause.] ... I pretended to myself that it was all 
over . , . that I didn't care any more, but . . . 
[Pause. Wildly.] Oh, Edith, why did you — why — ? 

Ed. [Alarmed. Springs to his side, laying a hand on 
his arm. Glances towards R. u.] Hush! Hush! They 
will hear you! 

[Both now directly in front of phonograph-horn.] 

Hard. [With bitterness.] Well ? Don't they all know 
it already? 

Ed. [Firmly.] Even if they do, Dick, we must still 
act our parts. 

Hard. [Savagely.] We! That's good! [Laughs.] 



40 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

/F^ must act our parts! Mine is so easy. Fm only the 
man that loved you, that you trifled with and threw 
away. All I have to do is to look on amiably while you 
marry somebody else, and behave as if nothing had 
happened. What part have yow to act? Why, none at 
all! You haven't a regret in the world. You are a 
beautiful and charming woman, most happily and suc- 
cessfully married — 

Ed. Ami.? 

[A pause; they face each other; she droops her head.] 

Hard. [Makes a movement towards her; hoarsely and 
trembling^ Edith! 

Ed. [Retreats a step^ hut still in front of horn. Agi- 
tated.] No, no! You cant — you must not — ! 

[Their eyes meet. Hard, drops his arms and half turns 
aside. A pause.] 

Ed. Dick. . . . [Stops, forces herself to speak calmly, 
though brokenly and with many pauses.] Listen to me. 
You asked me just now why . . . why I did this . . . 
why I married him ... I don't know! Girls are like 
that. They don't know what they want, they don't 
know their own minds. ... In spite of all the talk, 
they don't really know, they don't dream what . . . 
what being married is . . . they don't know what 
they're doing. . . . You talk about my having no 
part to act. There's not a day, not an hour of my life 
when I'm not acting one! I don't do it for the world, 
I don't do it for myself, I do it for . . . [Stops. Makes 
a gesture.] ... for him! 

Hard. [Looks at her searchingly.] For him? 

[Ed. moves her head assentingly.] 

Hard. For poor Bunny! [Pause,] Though I don't 
know why I say that. He is happy. 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 41 

Ed. [Same manner,] Yes ... I try to make him 
happy. ... I owe him that much, don't I .? . . . Sup- 
pose I have spoiled my own life, why should I spoil 
his? . . . And it takes so little ... I did wrong to 
marry him. ... 

Hard. Oh . . . ! [Makes a movement.] 

Ed. [Checks him with a gesture.] Oh yes! It was 
wrong, because there was one thing at least that I 
knew very well. I knew that I didn't love him. I 
thought it didn't matter, but . . . 

[A slight pause. The phonograph, running down, comes 
to a stop with another faint click.] 

Ed. [Goes on with a gesture, a short sigh.] Well, it's 
over! There's nothing for me now but to stick to the 
bargain. 

Hard. The bargain? 

Ed. Yes. I am his wife. He loves me. . . . He thinks 
that I love him. ... I want to do right . . . [Pause.] . . . 
We can't see each other this way again, Dick — 

Hard. [Interrupts.] Oh, Edith, I promise you — I 
swear I — I won't — I — 

Ed. [Stops him with a gesture. Resolutely.] No. We 
are just a man and a woman, and presently — [Shakes 
her head.] — No, it can't be. We couldn't help this 
meeting today — and this dance — it was just acci- 
dent, and we have to carry it off the best we can. But 
it's the kind of accident that we mustn't let happen a 
second time. [Goes slowly u.] 

[Enter Jack. r. u.] 

Hard. [Follows her.] Oh, you are hard! 

Ed. I am right! 

Jack. [At door r. u. holding it open deferentially.] 
Madame — 



42 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Ed. [Gaily.] We're coming at last! IVe put him 
through such a drill! [As Hard, reaches her side, holds 
out her hand to him with a sweeping curtsey.] Now then, 
Mr. Harding, that first step, please! [Sings air of 
dance.] Tra la la la la-la-! [Exeunt, hands held high, 
practicing step.] 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

[Enter R. u. Mrs. H., Dor. and Ed. in one group. After 
them the men in another group. All business of 
talking and laughing, as they come down, and scatter 
about room. Enter Jack, last of all and some dis- 
tance behind the others with tray of coffee-service.] 

Dor. [To Ed. as they come down.] — So that was the 
end of it as far as I know. [To Mrs. H.] You've never 
heard of them since, have you? 

Mrs. H. Not a word! [Sits r.] The doctor says — 
[Breaks off. To Wash.] Would you mind drawing 
up my little cofFee-table, please.? [Wash, business of 
moving table in front of her.] Oh, thank you! Jackson 
is so — [Turns head and sees Jack, coming down.] Ah, 
here he is! [To Ed.] My dear, I always forget! Is it 
one lump or two ? 

[Business of pouring coffee; Jack, passing about with 
cups; men lighting cigarettes, etc. LeCl. stands R. in 
front of fireplace; Dor. sitting on arm of lounge close to 
Mrs. H.; Wash, and Hard, at c. Ed. and Dr. H. u. c. 
in terrace-doorway. Exit Jack. l. u.] 

Dr. H. [During above business, steps outside, and can 
he seen surveying the sky, re-enters room, exchanges a 
word with Ed. Raises voice, addressing the room.] Fm 
afraid we're going to have a rainy night for our re- 
hearsal. The moon is coming up, but it's beginning to 
cloud over. 

Wash. Oh, I say, the moon will be later to-morrow 
night ! 

43 



44 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Ed. [Comes down.] All the better! We'll have more 
time to dress. 

Dor. [Rises.] I suppose we ought to go and change 
now — 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts^ expostulating.] Oh, finish your 
coffee first, Dolly, you surely can take time for that! 

Hard. That reminds me! I don't believe I can get 
into Cliff Patton's clothes. Does it make any difference 
if I stay this way? 

Wash. Better try 'em on anyhow, hadn't you.? You 
know you may have to appear for him to-morrow, too. 

[Wash., Hard., Dr. H. business of talking together 
at c] 

LeCl. [Finishes coffee. Sets cup on mantelpiece. 
Sings,] Tra, la, la, / don't have to change my clothes! 
Tra, la, la, teedle — deedle-doo! [Hands in pockets, 
legs spread wide apart, complacent grin.] 

Wash. [Good-humored, a little contemptuous.] Why, 
you've got the star part anyhow. Bunny. You don't 
have to do anything to speak of! 

LeCl. I should worry about that, shouldn't I? 
[Sings.] I should worry — urry — urry — [Stops sud- 
denly] — Oh, doctor, I've just remembered something! 
Did Jackson get the revolver? 

Dr. H. [Going u. with Wash, and Hard, answers 
over his shoulder.] Yes, this afternoon. It's there. 

Mrs. H. On the mantelpiece, Mr. LeClere. [Rises, 
business of talking with Ed. and Dor. l. d. All three 
with backs turned to LeCl.] 

LeCl. [Searches mantelpiece; sings in an undertone.] 
I should worry — urry — urry — oo! [Stops.] Where 
on the mantelpiece? I don't see it! Oh, here' re the 
shells, though! [Takes up boxes, looks at them carelessly. 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 45 

begins tossing them up and catching them alternately. 
Sings.] 

Where, oh, where has my little gun gone ? 
Oh where, oh where has it gone? 

[Enter Jack. l. u. Surveys the room, business of 
going about, gathering up coffee-cups, liqueur-glasses, etc.] 

Dr. H. [Turns from others. Calls to LeCl. impa- 
tiently.] Why, right there, under your hand! [To 
Hard.] You put it back, didn't you.? 

Hard. [Comes down.] Yes. Wait, I'll find it. [r. at 
mantel.] Here you are, Bunny! [Hands LeCl. the 
revolver.] 

LeCl. Why, it wasn't under my hand at all! It 
was behind the clock. No wonder I couldn't find it. 
[Puts one box of shells on mantel, and opens the other, 
dropping half a dozen shells on the rug. Glances at them 
carelessly.] Hello! Look at 'em spill! 

Hard. [A little sharply.] Here, you ought to handle 
cartridges more carefully, even if they are blanks! 
[Stoops, feels about, and gathers them up.] 

LeCl. Hoo! They can't hurt anything! Let's load 
her up! [Selects shells from box, sets box on mantel, 
and fits shells into revolver. Sings in an undertone.] I 
should worry — urry — urry — 00! 

[All three women turn, watch LeCl. nervously.] 

Mrs. H. [Nervous.] Oh, wouldn't one of those cart- 
ridge-things be enough, Mr. LeClere.? 

LeCl. [Waggishly.] I might miss Edith the first 
shot, you know. [Finishes loading revolver, brandishes 
it around.] Wow! I'm the Pink-Eyed Panther of the 
Prairies and this is my day to purr! Wow! [Same 
business.] 



46 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Hard. [During above, straightens up, business of 
beginning to fit shells back into box, picks up lid, looks at 
it. Loud exclamation. Springs at LeCl. seizing his 
arm. Struggles with him. Shouts.] Drop it! Give it 
here! [Wrenches revolver from LeCl. and pushes him 
away roughly.] 

[Sensation.] 

Mrs. H. [Screams.] Oh, John — / 

[Dor. screams. Ed. stands rigid, silent. Dr. H. and 
Wash, rush across to Hard, and LeCl. Chairs upset. 
Uproar. Jack, at h. u. about to leave room with tray, 
halts at door, startled.] 

[LeCl., Wash., Dr. H. all speak at once. Loud, ex- 
cited.] 

LeCl. [Surprised and angry.] Here, what the mis- 
chief — ? 

Wash. [Motions to separate them.] Look out, you 
fellows — ! 

Dr. H. What's all this, boys.? Dick— ? 

Hard. [A little out of breath, holds revolver in one hand, 
holds out the box of shells with the other.] 

Dr. H. [Fumbles with eyeglass, peering.] Number 
Thirty-Two — 

Wash. [Startled, snatches box.] They're loaded, 
doctor! They aren't blanks! They're loaded! By 
Jove — ! [Halts, appalled.] 

Dr. H. [Shouts.] Hey ? What? [Snatches box from 
Wash, and examines it.] 

LeCl. [Aghast.] Loaded? Why, you all said they 
were blanks! [Looks around defiantly.] At least, some- 
body said they were blanks. / didn't know they were 
loaded. How was / to know that? I was just having 
a little fun — 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 47 

Wash. [To Hard.] I guess you were just in time, 
Dick. 

Hard. [Removes shells from revolver.] Couldn't help 
being a little rough with you, Bunny. I was afraid you 
were going to fire. 

LeCl. [Good-tempered.] Oh, it's all right, old man, 
now that I know what's the matter. I thought you'd 
suddenly gone off your head. [Pauses, startled look.] 
Just think! I might have killed somebody! [Pauses 
again, overcome with horror, gets out handkerchief and 
wipes forehead.] Good Lord! 

Mrs. H. [With some satisfaction.] I've felt all along 
that there would be some accident with those mur- 
derous things. 

Dor. [Laughs hysterically.] But there hasn't been 
any yet, Mrs. Hitchcock. Nothing's happened. 

Dr. H. [Grave.] That is pure luck. [Turns, looking 
upstage. Gesture.] Jackson! 

Jack. Yes, sir. [Sets tray down. Comes down, manner 
anxious but straightforward.] 

Dr. H. [Seriously, but not in a harsh or hectoring way.] 
Where did you get these things.? 

Jack. At Darby's, the sporting-goods place, sir. 

Dr. H. What did you ask for.? 

Jack. I asked for a gun, and a box of blank cart- 
ridges to fit it, like you told me to, sir. 

Dr. H. Didn't you look at them .? 

Jack. Well, sir, I looked at the gun, but the man give 
me them shells already wrapped up, so I didn't open 'em. 

Hard. You and I opened the package, doctor. JVe 
ought to have looked — 

Dr. H. [Interrupts.] But we did look and it said 
blanks — [Pauses] — I'm positive it said blanks. 



48 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Wash. [At manteU picks up remaining hox.] What's 
this? 

Hard. [Perplexed.] I thought it said blanks, too. 
But — 

[Wash, holds out the other box. They look at it, passing 
it from one to another.] 

LeCl. [Triumphant.] There! You see! I knew it! 
Some of you said they were blanks — you told me they 
were blanks, and here they are ! [Displays box, pointing 
to label.] Blanks! How was / to know.? Everybody 
makes mistakes sometimes! 

Jack. [To Dr. H.] If you please, sir, should I 
have — .? 

Dr. H. [Interrupts hastily.] Never mind, Jackson — 
I mean you weren't in the least to blame. [To others.] 
If anything had happened, it would have been my 
fault — 

Hard. [Interrupts.] No, no, doctor, it would have 
been more my fault. I didn't notice that the two boxes 
weren't the same. The salesman must have made a 
mistake — or he may have thought that Jackson didn't 
know what to ask for. [To LeCl.] The thing is now, 
to be careful not to get them mixed up. [Business of 
showing the two boxes side by side to LeCl. and counsel- 
ling him earnestly.] 

Jack. [Hesitatingly to Dr. H.] I — I'm very sorry, 
sir — 

Dr. H. [Kindly.] Yes, I understand, I know. No- 
body can blame you for anything, Jackson. And as 
long as no harm was done — thank the Lord! — why, 
all's well that ends well! That's all, you may go! 

[Jack, starts u.] 

Dr. H. [Calls after him.] Oh, wait a minute — I 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 49 

[Jack, returns.] 

Dr. H. [Continuing as Jack, comes back.] I want you 
to come back here directly, and take off the record — 
the one that's on the machine now, the one they were 
talking into, you recollect — .? [Pauses.] 

Hard. [Turns from LeCl. Calls.] Oh, Doctor 
Hitchcock — ! 

Jack. [To Dr. H.] Yes, sir. 

Dr. H. [To Hard.] Yes, presently! [To Jack, con- 
tinuing.] And put on the dance- record, the same one 
they've been using, and get everything ready here. 
And then I want you to be ready to come upstairs and 
help the gentlemen with their costumes. Til ring when 
they need you. 

Jack. Yes, sir. [Exit l. u.] 

Dr. H. [Comes down, joining group of men.] Well — ^. 

[Mrs. H. goes u. with Dor. and Ed. Business of 
talking together.] 

[Dor. r. u. Calls.] Since we're all alive still and 
nobody's partner has had an eye shot out, hadn't we 
better begin? It's getting late. We're going to dress. 

Wash. [Down c. Turns.] All right, so are we! We 
can give you girls fifteen minutes start and beat you 
at that! [Turns to other men.] 

Dor., Ed., Mrs. H. O — oh! Listen to him! 
[Exeunt R. u. talking and laughing.] 

[Dr. H. during above business of taking boxes of shells 
from Hard, listening to the latter, and nodding assent. 
Stands, looking around, rubs chin, considers. Moves L. 
undecidedly, followed by Hard. Raises voice, addressing 
the others.] Well now, gentlemen, we've got to lock 
these things up, so there'll be no possibility of another 
mistake — 



50 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Wash. [Interrupts.] Anyhow those loaded ones 
ought to be put some place where Bunny can't get at 
'em, and get 'em mixed with the others! 

LeCl. [Protesting. Indignant.] Say, you talk as 
if I hadn't any sense! 

Dpv. H. [Rather reprovingly to Wash.] Why, any of 
us might get them mixed, Washburn. They look ex- 
actly alike — 

Hard. [Interrupts.] Yes, but the loaded ones are a 
good deal heavier than the others. [To LeCl.] You 
know? I showed you just now. 

LeCl. [Impatient.] Yeah, you shov^ed me. Next 
thing somebody'll be showing me my A-B-C's! 

Dr. H. ril tell you what. We'll put the charged 
shells in this right-hand drawer of the cabinet — [Does 
so.] — as it's the only one that happens to have a lock — 
[Business of attempting to turn key in lock.] — in working- 
order, that is — [Struggles with key ineffectually.] — then 
we'll feel safe — [Same business.] — Confound the thing! 
[Withdraws key, looks it all over through eye-glasses; pulls 
drawer out and inspects lock; attempts to fit key again.] 

Wash. You can't have the right key, doctor. 

Hard. Let me try. 

Dr. H. [Gives up. To Hard.] All right, see what 
you can do with it! [To Wash.] There isn't any other. 
[Mops forehead; gesture towards cabinet; sardonically.] 
It's an antique, you know! Sixteenth century — 
[Pauses to watch Hard.] 

[Hard. Same business with key.] 

LeCl. [Eagerly.] Here, let me! 

[Hard, resigns. LeCl. same business.] 

Dr. H. [Continues.] Italian — beautiful example — 
ditto price — 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 51 

LeCl. [Loud and jubilant.] F ve fixed it ! 

[All movement of interest.] 

LeCl. [Turns key in lock.] There! See? It's locked! 
[Takes hold of knob of drawer ^ whereupon the drawer pulls 
out.] Oh! [Blankly.] No, it isn't either! 

[Dr. H., Wash., Hard, burst of laughter.] 

Wash. [Recovers.] Oh well, what's the use of taking 
any more time to it ^. We all know about the shells, and 
nobody wants to monkey with 'em. 

Dr. H. [Hesitates an instant.] Well — but — here 
are these other shells. Where had we better put them? 
Left-hand drawer? [Does so; glances around interroga- 
tively.] Everybody understands now? Charged right, 
blanks left. Thafs settled ! [Goes u.] 

Wash. [About to go u.] Fire in the air, fire at the 
ceiling, you know. Bunny. Then you can't do any 
harm, anyhow — even if you try! [Goes v.] 

Hard. [Lingers; earnestly.] All you've got to do is 
to look at the boxes and be sure — 

LeCl. [Interrupts; good-natured but ruffled.] Oh, 
come off! You fellows make me tired, everybody 
telling me something different, and acting as if I was 
about seven years old! 

[Hard, shrugs shoulders, goes u., joining others. 
Exeunt, talking, R. u.] 

LeCl. [At cabinet l. d. back to stage, continues talking, 
not noticing that they have left the room.] I guess I know 
as much about it as any of you. [Handles revolver.] I 
wasn't to blame any more than the rest of you. You 
didn't notice those shells either, Harding, you said so 
yourself! [Turns; sees that the room is empty.] Oh! 
[Sits l. d. playing with revolver.] 

[Enter Jack. l. u. Comes down; pauses, seeing 



52 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

LeCl.; crosses R. D. speaking as he passes in front of 
LeCl.] 

Jack. Excuse me, sir. [Goes to phonograph.] 

LeCl. [Acknowledges Jackson's presence with a slight 
movement, and inarticulate sound.] Ump! [Same 
business with revolver.] 

Jack. [Business of examining phonograph; tests key 
by which the instrument is set going; tests winding-crank, 
and finds it run down; ejaculates under his breath.] Huh! 
[Straightens up, contemplating machine thoughtfully. 
Glances at LeCl. Hesitates. Speaks respectfully.] Beg 
pardon, Mr LeClere — ? 

LeCl. [Indifferent; same business with revolver.] Hey ? 

Jack. If you please, sir, could you tell me if you or 
any of the other ladies and gentlemen was talking into 
this.? While I wasn't here, sir, I mean? 

LeCl. [Glances; indifferent.] Nope! 

Jack. Thank you, sir. [Turns to phonograph again. 
Repeats business, puzzled.] 

LeCl. [Same business.] 

[A slight pause.] 

LeCl. That was a narrow shave we had a while 
ago, Jackson. [Cocks trigger, and sights weapon at Jack.] 

Jack. [Beginning to readjust machine, absorbed, 
answers mechanically civil.] Yes, indeed, sir. 

LeCl. That is, it would have been, if I had fired. 
[Emphatic] But I wasn't going to, you know. I was 
just going like this, for fun — ! [Flourishes revolver 
about, clicking the trigger.] 

Jack. [Glances up; sees LeCl. pointing revolver straight 
at him, and clicking it, jumps back involuntarily. Loud 
voice.] Look out! — [Halts, confused.] — I mean — I — 
I beg your pardon, sir — but — [Edges to one side. 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 53 

trying to get out of range.] — is it — is it quite safe, 
sir? 

LeCl. [Same business, following him with the revolver.] 
.Safe with me? Safe as a church! Why, / wouldn't 
hurt anybody! I know all about guns! 

Jack. [Nervous, watching him.] Z)o you, sir? /don't! 
I couldn't hardly tell which end that goes off at. 

LeCl. [Superior air.] Why, this end, Jackson, right 
here, see? [Demonstrates; withdraws arm, turns revolver 
so that it points into his own face, squinting into the 
muzzle.] It takes a careful man to handle 'em. 

Jack. [Returns to phonograph, but continues to keep 
a wary eye on LeCl.] Yes, sir. So I see, sir. 

LeCl. Now this evening when I have to fire it, you 
know, I won't aim at Mrs. LeClere — 

Jack. [Interrupts with an involuntary ejaculation^ 
I should hope not — [Stops, confused^ — that is — 

LeCl. [Not noticing him.] I'll point it this way. 
[Holds revolver awkwardly pointed upward at side of his 
head.] Then, you see, it will go off straight up in the air. 
Jack. [Eyes him, perturbed but respectful.] I — I beg 
pardon, Mr. LeClere, but it looks to me like it would 
blow your ear off that way. 

LeCl, [Good-humored, patient.] No, it won't! I 

know where I'm aiming! And besides it won't be loaded. 

Jack. [Same manner.] But there'll be powder in it, 

sir — gunpowder or something like that, won't there? 

And I was just thinking in case of some mistake — 

LeCl. [Interrupts, still good-humored, but a little de- 
cided.] There isn t going to be any mistake, Jackson. 
I know what I'm about. 

Jack. [Respectful.] Yes, sir. To be sure, sir. [Re- 
sumes business with phonograph.] 



54 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[LeCl. lays revolver on table. Sits with arms clasped 
around one knee, idly watching Jack. A short pause.] 
LeCl. What's that you're doing? 
Jack. Changing the record, sir. 

LeCl. Oh! [Yawns. Gets up; lights cigarette; strolls 
across R. and stands watching Jack, a moment.] Why, 
it's a good deal of trouble, isn't it? 

Jack. [Busy.] Not ordinarily, sir. But this time the 
machine is fixed for to take a record, and it's a little 
different. 

LeCl. Take 3. record? Oh yes, I see. That's the 
one they were talking into — or onto — ^^just before 
dinner. 
Jack. Yes, sir. 

[A pause; same business for both; Jack, with careful 

movements withdraws the recording cylinder from machine, 

showing it to be covered with a fringe of fine wax filament.] 

LeCl. [Exclaims.] Hello! It's broken! 

Jack. [Smiles civilly.] Oh no, sir! Them things is 

what the needle makes tracking along when the voice 

hits it, you know. You brush 'em off with this here. 

[Takes up a small fine-haired hat-broom, and dusts the 

fringes off. Displays cylinder.] You see, sir, it's all right. 

LeCl. [Impressed.] By Jove! A person's voice can 

do that! 

Jack. Yes, sir — at least that's how they explained 
it to me at the phonograph place. [Holds cylinder 
under his eyes, inspecting it closely. Purses lips, shakes 
head.] 

LeCl. [Profoundly interested.] Isn't that marvellous ? 
What do you do next? 

Jack. [Lowers cylinder, baffled air.] Do next ? Why, 
nothing, sir. 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 55 

LeCl. [Astonished.] D'ye mean to tell me that's all 
there is to it? Can you put that thing on the machine 
just as it is, and run it ofF like any other record? 

Jack. Sure you can! [Recollects himself, confused.] 
I mean yes indeed, sir! 

LeCl. And hear Mr. Washburn and Miss Pierce 
talking? 

Jack. Yes, sir. 

LeCl. [Deep emphasis.] Well, Fll be darned! [Still 
incredulous. To Jack.] Do it now? 

Jack. If you like, sir. [Moves towards phonograph.] 
LeCl. I hadn't any idea it was that easy! [Sudden 
idea.] Oh say, Jackson! Stop! Wait! 
Jack. [Pauses.] Sir? 

LeCl. [Confidential.] Why, say, Jackson, you just 
put it back on the machine and fix it up to record some 
more, yAW you? Then /'// sing into it, and then you 
can take it ofF again, and fix it the other way, and then 
we can hear my voice too, see ? 

[A slight pause, Jack, inspects cylinder again; shakes 
head.] 

Jack. I'm afraid you can't do that, Mr. LeClere. 
There ain't room on this here. 

LeCl. [Surprised.] Why, did that little bit of talk- 
ing cover it all? The records you buy — Caruso and 
George Cohan, you know, and all those people — 
they're a lot longer than that. 

Jack. Well sir, there'd ought to be half to three- 
quarters of this left bare. But somebody else has come 
along and talked into it — 
LeCl. [Interrupts.] How d'ye know? 
Jack. Well, if you'll just look at it, sir — 
[LeCl. motions to take it from him.] 



56 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Jack. [Warning gesture.] Careful, please, Mr. Le- 
Clere, they break awful easy. If you was to let it fall — 
You've got to take it on your two fingers like Fve got 
it — 

[Business of passing the cylinder from one to the other.] 

Jack. Now you can see for yourself, sir, she's full up! 

LeCl. [Inspects cylinder, turning it around on his 
two fingers.] Oh, it's all over little fine lines — no, 
here's a bare spot — [Same business.] 

Jack. [Hovering about him; anxious.] There wasn't 
nobody talking right at that place, sir. But the young 
lady didn't do all the rest, I know! 

LeCl. [Same business.] Can you tell where she left 
off.? 

Jack. No, sir. But she wasn't talking long enough. 
And besides I left her turned off and wound up — 

LeCl. [Looks up from cylinder, amazed.] Her? Who? 

Jack. I mean the machine, sir. And when I come 
back, she was turned on and run down! She didn't 
talk that much — 

LeCl. [Same business.] She? 

Jack. I mean the young lady, sir. That was the 
last one that talked into it, that / know of — so there 
must have been somebody after her. 

LeCl. [Shakes head; hands cylinder back; business of 
passing it from one to the other.] Not while the rest of 
us were around, and we were all here all the time — 
[Interrupts himself.] — well, except when we went to 
dinner, and then my wife and Mr. Harding were here 
for a while practicing their dance. They weren't doing 
any talking. 

Jack. Not unless for a bit of a joke — to kind of 
take the other ladies and gentlemen by surprise. But 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 57 

what I guess to have happened would be that when 
you and the other gentlemen had that turn-up about 
the pistol, you know, sir — ? 

LeCl. [Lights cigarette. Nods.] 

Jack. [Continues.] Everybody was excited-like, sir, 
and I wouldn't wonder if one of you knocked into the 
machine and set her going by accident. That would 
be my guess. 

LeCl. Could one do that without knowing it.? 

Jack. Yes, sir. Oh yes, they could do it easy! 

LeCl. Well, but what kind of a record would it 
make? 

Jack. Just a lot of mixed-up noises, I expect, sir. 
According to whoever happened to be standing in front 
of the horn, you know. [Stands at phonograph, turning 
cylinder on his fingers, plainly filled with curiosity.] 
Would you like for me to try it, sir? 

LeCl. [Interested.] Yes. Go ahead! 

[Bell rings off-stage, distantly, hut distinct.] 

Jack. [In the act of putting cylinder hack on machine, 
stops.] There's my bell! If you'll excuse me, Mr. 
LeClere — ? 

LeCl. Finish putting this on first. 

Jack. [Hesitates.] Dr. Hitchcock — 

LeCl. [Interrupts, good-natured.] That's all right, 
Jackson, I'll explain to him. [Feels in pocket.] You fix 
this thing — I want to hear it. [Gives money.] 

Jack. Very good, sir, thank you! [Pockets money; 
business of rapidly adjusting machine; a silence; hell rings 
again longer.] 

Jack. [Straightens up; hurriedly.] It's ready now, 
sir. [Turns it on; machine clicks and begins to whirr as 
before. Jack, runs u.] 



58 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

LeCl. [Calls.] Hold on, Jackson! Tell me how to 
stop it! 

[Bell rings two or three times furiously.] 

Jack. [At door r. u. Calls back in a frenzy of haste.] 
Just let her run down, please, sir! [Exit.] 

[As Jack, closes door behind him, the phonograph begins 
abruptly y reproducing Washburn's voice.] Hello, there! 

LeCl. [Starts violently, wheels quickly around so as 
to survey every side of the room.] Hey? 

The Phono. [Reproducing Washburn's voice.] 
Yours truly, Thomas R. Washburn. 

[LeCl. recognizes the phonograph, slaps his leg, drops 
into chair down c. facing machine, burst of chuckles. 
Waiting and grinning.] 

[A slight pause.] 

The Phono. [In Dorothy's voice.] Oh, gracious, I 
haven't an idea what to say — 

[Pause. LeCl. listens, broad grin.] 

The Phono. [Dorothy's voice.] Why, it's perfectly 
stupefying — 

[Pause, machine whirring.] 

The Phono. [Dorothy's voice.] Like when people 
stay too long calling, and everybody runs out — 

[Pause.] 

The Phono. [Dorothy's voice.] Runs out of talk, 
I mean, of course — 

[Pause.] 

The Phono. [Dorothy's voice.] How much of the 
thing have I used up, Jackson .f* An inch.? — Oh, 
mercy, I didn't mean for that to get taken down! 
Can't you stop it ? [High exclamation.] Oh, Mr. — 

[Silence. Machine whirrs.] 

LeCl. That must have been when Harding came in, 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 59 

you know — [Interrupts himself with a gesture.] Pshaw, 
I keep thinking it's a real person — [Business of lighting 
cigarette.] 

The Phono. [Hkrdi^g's voice.] Edith! I — 

[Pause. LeCl. stops, startled in the act of lighting 
cigarette, holds burning match in his fingers, staring at 
phonograph.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] Don't be afraid. 
I'll not forget myself again — not altogether anyhow. 
You're another man's wife, and I'm not such a sweep 
that — 

[Pause. LeCl. same business, rigid, match burns 
down to his fingers.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] I ought not to have 
come back. 

[Pause. LeCl. vaguely looks at his fingers, drops the 
burnt-out match.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] Oh yes, I had to 
some time — 

[Pause.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] I pretended to 
myself that it was all over — that I didn't care any 
more, but — 

[Pause.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] Oh, Edith, why did 
you, why — 

The Phono. [Edith's voice.] Hush! Hush! They 
will hear you ! 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] Well? Don't they 
know it already? 

LeCl. [Makes a wild movement towards phonograph, 
clenched fists, furious voice.] That's a lie, you — [Recol- 
lects himself. Falls back trembling.] 



6o THREE SHORT PLAYS 

The Phono. [Edith's voice.] Even if they do, Dick, 
we must still act our parts. 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] We! That's good! 
[Laughs.] We must act our parts! Mine is so easy. 
I'm only the man that loved you, that you trifled with 
and threw away. All I have to do is to look on amiably 
while you marry somebody else, and behave as if 
nothing had happened. What part have you to act.? 
Why, none at all! You haven't a regret in the world. 
You are a beautiful and charming woman, most happily 
and successfully married — 

The Phono. [Edith's voice\ Am I \ 

[Pause. LeCl. waitSy tense.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] Edith! 

The Phono. [Edith's voice.] No, no! You can't — 
you must not — ! 

[Pause.] 

LeCl. [After listening rigidly as before for a second^ 
suddenly springs at phonograph as before with raised 
fists. Violently?^ Damnation! You dare touch her, 
you — [Recollects himself. Falls back trembling.] 

The Phono. [Edith's voice.] Dick. . . . Listen to 
me. You asked me just now why . . . why I did 
this . . . why I married him ... I don't know! 
Girls are like that. They don't know what they want, 
they don't know their own minds. ... In spite of all 
the talk, they don't really know, they don't dream 
what . . . what being married is . . . they don't 
know what they're doing. . . . You talk about my 
having no part to act. There's not a day, not an hour 
of my life when I'm not acting one! I don't do it for 
the world, I don't do it for myself, I do it for . . . for 
him! 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 6i 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] For him? 

[Pause.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] For poor Bunny! 

[Pause.] 

The Phono. [Harding's voice.] Though I don't 
know why I say that. He is happy. 

The Phono. [Edith's voice.] Yes ... I try to make 
him happy ... I owe him that much, don't I? . . . 
Suppose I have spoiled my own life, why should I spoil 
his.? . . . And it takes so little ... I did wrong to 
marry him. . . . 

The Phono. [Harding's voice, interrupting.] Oh ... ! 

The Phono. [Edith's voice.] Oh yes! It was wrong, 
because there was one thing at least that I knew very 
well. I knew that I didn't love him. I thought it didn't 
matter, but . . . 

[Phonograph ceases abruptly with a faint click.] 

LeCl. [During above sits down c. head in hands. After 
a slight pause, raises head.] Well, go on! [Starts up.] 
Go on, why don't you? — [Recollects himself.] Oh! 
[Stands staring and listening an instant; realizes that 
phonograph has run down; drops into chair in former 
attitude.] 

[A short pause.] 

[Enter Edith r. u. in Pierrette costume. Comes down, 
business of touching hair, dress, etc. Sees LeCl.] 

Ed. Oh, is that you, Franklin ? 

[LeCl. starts, rises, looks at phonograph, turns, stands 
looking at Ed. silently.] 

Ed. [Glances around.] Nobody else down yet.? 
[Sits L.] I thought I heard you talking. [A slight 
pause.] 

LeCl. I wasn't talking. 



62 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Ed. [Indifferently, same business with dress, etc.] 
How odd ! 

LeCl. [Sudden fierceness.] Why odd? What's odd 
about it? 

Ed. [Surprised.] Nothing, Franklin. I only meant 
that that was a funny notion for me to have. Of course 
you wouldn't be sitting here talking to yourself. 

LeCl. [Gives a kind of grunt.] Oh! [Stands same 
position, glowering at her.] 

[A slight pause.] 

Ed. How do you like the costume .? 

LeCl. [With a painful effort to be natural.] It's 
beautiful! [Suddenly breaks down.] But you are always 
beautiful, Edith ! I can't blame him — [Struggles to 
control himself.] I — I mean I couldn't blame any 
man for — for — [Sinks into chair with a groan, covers 
face with hands.] 

Ed. [Starts up, surprised and concerned; goes to him.] 
Franklin! What is the matter? You're sick! 1 thought 
you didn't look right! [Puts arm about his shoulders.] 
What is it? 

LeCl. [Shakes her off roughly; rises; in a hoarse voice.] 
Nothing. I'm all right. 

Ed. [Holds his hand; troubled.] No, you're not all 
right. I believe you have a fever! Do let me do some- 
thing. I can get Dr. Hitchcock — . 

LeCl. [Interrupts roughly; pushes her away.] No, 
I tell you! Let me alone! 

Ed. [Maternal, soothing, patient.] Now, Franklin, 
the doctor's used to it. It won't be any trouble to 
him, and he can probably give you something — some 
simple thing that won't be disagreeable to take, and that 
will make you all right in a minute. Do be sensible — 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 63 

LeCl. [Interrupts,] Why, you don't expect such a 
fool as / am — such a blind fool — to be sensible, 
surely? 

Ed. [Withdraws her arms, stands looking at him an 
instant; then with a movement of decision turns and 
starts u.] 

LeCl. [Strides after her; seizes her arm.] Here, 
where' re you going? 

Ed. [Faces him resolutely.] To get the doctor. 

LeCl. [Raises voice harshly.] No, you're not! You 
stay here with me. [A pause. He looks at her fixedly; 
suddenly throws his arms around her, clutching her to 
him. Hoarsely and violently.] You're mine anyhow! 
You belong to me! [Brokenly but fiercely in agitation.] 
Look here, kiss me! I mean. . . . You know what 
I mean. ... As if you — as if you meant it — ! 

Ed. [Beginning to be a little frightened.] Why, Frank- 
lin, I — why, I'll kiss you, of course, but — what is 
the matter with you ? 

LeCl. [Same manner.] Kiss me! 

[She kisses him lightly on the cheek, and makes a move- 
ment to release herself. LeCl. tightens his hold savagely, 
kisses her lips.] 

LeCl. [Same manner, choked voice.] There! That's 
what I want! You know very well. . . . [Threaten- 
ingly.] You needn't pretend you don't know. . . . 
You. . . . 

[Ed. stands perfectly still in his arms, evidently fright- 
ened, but trying to keep her head.] 

LeCl. [Complete change of manner. In distress and 
self-abasement.] Oh, Edith, I didn't hurt you? I was 
so rough — I didn't mean to be rough — I couldn't 
help it — I — I'm half-crazy — I'm so wretched — 



64 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Clings to her as he drops into a chair with his face against 
her dress.] Oh, forgive me — ! [Voice breaks.] 

Ed. [Puzzled, uneasy, hut regaining confidence.] You 
feel wretched? You are in pain? But if you'd only 
tell me, or let me get someone — 

LeCl. [Wildly.] No, no, don't, please don't! I — I 
wasn't quite myself for a minute! Say you forgive me! 

[Slight pause.] 

Ed. Not quite yourself? You mean you've — you've 
been drinking, Franklin? 

[Slight pause.] 

LeCl. [Sinks back in chair. With an effort, not 
looking at her.] Yes. That's it. I've — been drinking. 

Ed. [Rather relieved.] Oh, that was it ? 

LeCl. [Same manner.] Yes. You forgive me, Edith ? 

Ed. Yes. But — [Hesitates.] — you'll be careful, 
Franklin? You won't do it again? I mean — [Very 
much embarrassed.] — you won't take too much cham- 
pagne — you know? It's — it's so horrid — I don't 
like to talk about it — 

LeCl. I know. I won't do it again. 

Ed. I never knew you to before. You frightened me. 

LeCl. [Unhappily.] I know. But, Edith — [Be- 
seechingly.] — you don't mind my kissing you ? I mean 
other times, you know? [Goes on incoherently, without 
waiting for her to answer.] Because I — I can't help it — 
you're so pretty and sweet, and I — I love you, Edith. 
I can't help wanting to — to — 

Ed. [During above, self-possession entirely regained, 
coolly pushes up a chair with her foot until it is near 
enough, and sits on the arm of it, allowing him to continue 
clutching her hand. Composed. Smiling.] Can't help 
wanting to kiss me, Franklin? But why apologize? 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 65 

Fm sure kissing between married people — married to 
each other! — is a respectable diversion. 

LeCl. [Agonized entreaty.] Oh, don't make fun of 
me, Edith, don't! I — I can't bear it from you. I 
don't mind other people — they all make fun of me. 
I know I'm — I'm nothing much. I can't say bright 
things the way the other fellows do — and I'm slow 
about seeing things — and — and I make awful breaks 
— and all that. I guess I haven't got much brains — 

Ed. [Surprised and touched. Involuntary ejaculation.] 
Oh, you poor dear! Don't — 

LeCl. [Interrupts, at once violent and beseeching.] 
No, no! I don't want you to pity me! I don't want 
you to be sorry for me! [Increasing agitation and in- 
coherence.] I — I don't want you to be kind to me — 
and to try to make me happy — and — and all that! 
If you loved me you wouldn't ever think about being 
kind to me — [Stops, passes hand over eyes, in a puzzled 
voice.] — That sounds queer, but somehow I know it's 
the truth — I know now! [Rises. Makes a movement 
to seize her in his arms.] Oh, Edith ! 

Ed. [Shrinks back.] Franklin! [Glances around.] 
You know somebody might come in, and it — it's — it 
looks a little foolish, you know — ? 

LeCl. [Looks at her wistfully; drops his arms obedi- 
ently; speaks calmly, though with effort.] I thought you 
did, you see, Edith. All this while, I thought you did 
love me — 

Ed. [Much troubled.] But I do, Franklin ! I — I'm 
very fond of you. Why, surely you — you — 

LeCl. [Controlled manner.] Not the way I've been 
trying to talk about — not the way / love you — ? 
[Pauses interrogatively, as if waiting for her to answer.] 



66 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Ed. [Head bowed.] I — I — 

LeCl. I might have known that it wasn't to be ex- 
pected. I might have known . . . [Pause.] . . . but 
I've just been telHng myself all along that I was an 
awfully lucky fellow. It was just this evening that 
I . . . [Hesitates.] ... I got to thinking . . . [Hesi- 
tates.] . . . Maybe there was some other man . . . 
[Hesitates.] . . . Maybe you'd made a mistake . . . 
[Pause.] . . . And here you are tied to me. . . . You 
might get to hating me. ... It would be natural. . . . 
But you'd keep on being kind to me. . . . You'd think 
it was your duty . . . [Sudden wild gesture.] . . . Why, 
it's horrible! [Desperate appeal.] Can't you see how 
horrible it is? 

Ed. [Uneasy.] But, Franklin — you — why, you're 
morbid. Don't . . . [Stumbles and hesitates] . . . 
Don't think such things. It's not ... it doesn't do 
any good, you know . . . [Pauses. Suddenly.] I don't 
believe you — you had too much to drink this evening 
at all! I believe you're going to be sick. You aren't 
natural — it's not like you to talk and act this way. 
You may have something — some kind of illness coming 
on. You know I wanted to go away and get out of this 
heat for a while, and you wouldn't. That may be 
what's the matter. 

LeCl. [Looks at her.] Well, we can go away now, 
Edith, if you're sure you want to. 

[A slight pause.] 

Ed. [With an effort.] I think it would be better. 
[Pauses. Turns from him and crosses slowly L. d. LeCl. 
watches her. She speaks again resolutely.] I'm sure it 
would be better. 

[A rising wind blows through room, fluttering papers, etc.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 67 

LeCl. [Looks after Ed. fixedly.] You're sure? 

Ed. [Stands at table l. d. head bowed, absently arrang- 
ing books, magazines, etc., on it.] Yes. As soon as this 
tiresome pantomime thing is over — [Interrupts herself, 
snatching her hand away with an exclamation.] Oh! 

LeCl. Hey? [Looks.] Oh, the revolver! [Crosses 
to table and picks it up.] I laid it there a minute ago. 

Ed. [A little hysterical, laughing.] YouVe no idea 
how it startled me! It felt so cold! 

[Enter Jack. r. u. Comes down hurriedly.] 

[Another light gust of wind.] 

Ed. Here's Jackson! [To Jack.] Are they all ready.? 

Jack. [At phonograph-cabinet, business of picking 
out record.] Madame.? Yes, madame, in a few min- 
utes. 

Ed. At last! [Goes u. and steps out on terrace.] 

LeCl. [Stands l. d. holding revolver, looking after Ed. 
Turns slowly towards Jack. Watches him an instant. 
Abruptly drops revolver in pocket and crosses R. D. to 
Jack. Speaks peremptorily as Jack, begins to wind up 
the machine.] What' re you doing? 

Jack. [Looks around surprised at his tone. Respect- 
fully.] I'm going to put on the dance record now, 
Mr. LeClere. 

LeCl. [Grunts.] Oh! 

Jack. [Pauses. Respectfully.] Was you wanting to 
hear this one again, sir? 

LeCl. [Loud.] No! [Recollects himself, makes effort 
to control his voice.] That is — I — [Gives way. With 
violence.] Take it off! What's the matter with you? 
Take it off! 

Jack. [Astonished but civil.] Right away, sir. 

[Business of removing cylinder.] 



68 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

LeCl. [Watches him. As Jack, withdraws cylinder^ 
stretches out his hand. Imperatively.] Give it here! 

Jack. [Same manner.] Yes, sir. If you'll please 
hold your fingers — .^ 

[Just as Jack, is in the act of placing cylinder on Le- 

Clere's extended fingers, the latter suddenly lowers them. 

Cylinder falls to the floor, shatters to hits.] 

LeCl. 1 , 

T * f [Together. Loud exclamation.] Hi, look out! 

Jack. J 

[A pause, both of them surveying fragments.] 

Jack. [Ruefully.] I beg your pardon, Mr. LeClere, 
I thought you had hold of it — [Stoops and gathers up 
pieces.] 

LeCl. [Hastily and vigorously.] Beg pardon nothing, 
Jackson ! It was my fault ! I — I — I must have jerked 
my hand somehow! [Distressed, a little incoherent.] I 
say, don't blame yourself — you didn't do it — don't 
worry! I'll tell Dr. Hitchcock I did it. Here — ! 
[Fumbles hastily in pockets and brings out a handful of 
money. Without looking at it, forces it into Jackson's 
hands.] Here! No, no, that's all right! You've got 
to take it, you know. I don't want to get you into 
trouble! 

Jack. [During above, surprised but relieved, after a 
perfunctory movement of protest, takes money.] You're 
very kind, sir — thank you, sir! I was a bit upset, 
seeing I was sure Fd been careful — that is — thank 
you, sir — only you don't need to — 

[Gust of wind.] 

LeCl. [Cuts Jackson short.] Well, that's all right 
now, hey? [Nervously.] Go ahead, put on the other 
record. [Goes l. d. nervously; feels on table for smoking 
materials and lights cigarette. Sits. Regains self-control 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 69 

a little. Tries to speak in light manner.] We won't say 
anything about it for fear of starting something, hey, 
Jackson? Ha, ha, ha! 

Jack. [Business of putting on other record.] Just as 
you say, sir. But if anybody was to ask to hear it — ? 

LeCl. [Hastily.] Tell 'em there wasn't anything on 
it — just noises! 

Jack. [Interested.] Really, sir? 

LeCl. Just noises — couldn't make out anything. 
I'll own up to breaking it if they ask me. Didn't mean 
to, of course. You — you understand that, Jackson ? 

Jack. [With real feeling.] It's very kind of you to 
take it on yourself, Mr. Bunny — [Halts, aghast. Tries 
to go on in dire confusion.] Mr. LeClere! I — I'm 
sorry, sir — that kind of slipped out — I — I hear the 
gentlemen calling you that all the time, and I — I — 

LeCl. [Gently.] That's all right, Jackson. I don't 
mind. I like you to call me that. 

Jack. [Relieved.] Thank you, sir. I didn't intend 
any disrespek — 

LeCl. [Interrupts.] That all ready now? [Indicates 
phonograph.] I thought I heard 'em coming. [Rises, 
starts v.] 

[Wind.] 

Jack. [Diffident but anxious.] If I might take the 
liberty, Mr. LeClere — ? 

[LeCl. stops, turns towards him.] 

Jack. [Continues, same manner.] When it comes to 
firing off that pistol, sir, if you'd make sure it wasn't 
pointing at nothing it could hurt, yourself nor nobody 
else ? The way you was holding it I thought was — 
was kind of risky-like, even if there wasn't nothing but 
blank cartridges in it — they say them powder-burns 



70 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

hurts something awful, sir — let alone the lockjaw — ? 
[Pauses, suggestive manner.] 

LeCl. [Stands still, staring at Jack, during above 
speech.] The pistol? Why, yes . . . Fll be careful. 
Fm going to fire up. . . . [Gesture.] Like that, you 
know. I showed you. [Turns slowly.] I suppose Fd 
better load it now. [Goes to cabinet L. d. Opens drawer 
on left side, takes out shells.] 

[Gust of wind.] 

Jack. [Following him at a little distance.] Beg pardon, 
Mr. LeClere, you're sure them's the right ones? 

LeCl. [Confident manner.] Yes, of course? Don't 
you remember seeing Dr. Hitchcock put them there ? 

Jack. No, sir, I wasn't here — 

Ed. [Enters hastily by terrace-doors. Calls.] It's 
beginning to rain ! [Comes down a little way. To Jack.] 
Oh, will you come here a minute, please? 

[Ed. turns and goes u. again, followed by Jack. Busi- 
ness of his moving the doors, under her direction, from the 
wall where they have been leaning, and placing them in 
front of the opening at c. propping them in a slanting 
position. During above LeCl. occasionally glancing 
towards them, opens right-hand drawer of cabinet, takes 
shell from box within and places it in chamber of the 
revolver. Hesitates an instant, considering, takes one or 
two shells out of each box and puts them in his pocket. 
Voices heard off L. LeCl. drops revolver in pocket; walks 
to table L. D.; makes two or three attempts to light a ciga- 
rette with hands shaking; finally succeeds; stands l. d. 
smoking. Enter R. u. Mrs. H., Dor. and Wash. Come 
down, business of talking and laughing.] 

Wash. [To Mrs. H. and Dor. as they come down.] 
It was a scream ! Never saw anything so funny in your 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 71 

life! The coat was too small for Harding across the 
shoulders by that much — [Gesture in demonstration.] — 
but the doctor would insist on his wearing it — [Inter- 
rupts himself with burst of laughter.] — Ha, ha, ha! — 
[Wags his head.] — Harding's arms were just like this! 
[Demonstrates.] Roast-chicken style, you know! 

Mrs. H. Was that what was keeping you so long? 

Ed. [Comes down.] Oh, Mrs. Hitchcock, the rain 
was beginning to blow in, so I got Jackson to set the 
doors up that way. Is that all right.? 

Mrs. H. [Exclamation.] What.? Rain? I hadn't 
noticed it was raining! [Turns, examining arrange- 
ment of doors through lorgnette. To Ed.] That was very 
thoughtful of you, my dear. I shouldn't have liked 
to have my floors spoiled. [Business of talking to Dor. 
and Ed. u. c] 

Wash. [Down c] Hello, Bunny! Why didn't you 
come upstairs and help .? [Goes to table l. d. and selects 
cigarette.] 

LeCl. [Abruptly.] Where's Harding? 

Wash. [Glances at him surprised.] He'll be along 
directly. What's the matter? Caught cold? 

"L^Ch. [Vaguely.] Eh? Caught cold? Me? I — I 
don't know — I guess not. Why? 

Wash. [Down c. smoking.] Your voice sounded so 
queer all of a sudden. Sort of husky. [Confidential.] 
Say, how are you supposed to make these skull-caps 
stick on? Mine keeps working back. 

LeCl. [Staring after Ed. Rouses himself with an 
effort.] Hey ? Oh, why, here — [LeCl. and Wash. 
business with caps.] 

[Enter R. u. Dr. H. and Hard., Ed., Mrs. H., and 
Dor. turn towards them as they come down.] 



72 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dor. [Makes a mock curtsey^ Well, better late than 
never, Mr. Harding! 

Hard. \(}ood-hiimored\ Sorry! Guilty but recom- 
mended to mercy! Fve taken off and put on and taken 
off and put on twice — 

Dr. H. \Interrupts\ No use. He can't get into the 
costume. Why, the trousers won't — 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts \ Never mind, John, we under- 
stand! The question is: what are they going to do 
about rehearsing? It's pouring down rain; they can't 
possibly go out on the terrace. 

Dr. H. Hey? Raining? Tst, tst! That's too bad! 
[Going u. c. almost at doors, encounters Jack, carrying a 
chair \ Ah, Jackson — what's this? 

Jack. [During above scene has business of moving un- 
obtrusively about the stage, clearing the furniture from the 
middle, setting chairs and tables against the walls, etc. 
Civilly.] If you please, sir, I thought as long as it was 
raining, the young ladies and gentlemen would prob'ly 
want to practice inside like they've been doing — ? 
[Pauses questioningly, holding chair.] 

Dr. H. Um-hum — [Considers.] — Yes, I suppose 
they will. Wait a minute. [Raises voice, addressing 
everybody.] Well, what do you say? Go on with the 
rehearsal in here as usual, or wait for the rain to hold 
up? 

Dor. Oh, have it in here! 

Wash. That's what / say. It's time we got busy 
and learned this thing. Better not play around any 
longer. [To LeCl.] Don't you think so? 

LeCl. [Mechanically.] Eh? Oh yes! Better not 
play around any longer. 

Dr. H. Very well. [To Jack.] We'll have to move 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 73 

the lounge back here where we always put it — [Indi- 
cates spot directly in front of terrace-opening.] — for Mrs. 
Hitchcock and myself, you know — [Business of Jack. 
taking hold of one end of lounge, Dr. H. the other. They 
begin to shove it up-stage.] 

Hard. Here, doctor, let me — [Takes hold of lounge.] 

[They move the lounge to the position indicated.] 

Mrs. H. [During above business of talking with Ed. 
and Dor. Turns, sees lounge. Ejaculates.] Oh, John, 
dear, I can't sit there in that draught! I'd be laid up 
to-morrow with neuralgia as sure as fate — ! 

Dr. H. [Interrupts.] Put on your shawl! Where's 
your shawl? If you women would only dress with some 
common-sense — 

Mrs. H. [Interrupts, indignant.] A shawl! The 
idea! Why, I haven't got such a thing as a shawl! 
Nobody wears a shawl nowadays! [Business of arguing 
together up-stage.] 

Dor. [To Wash, low voice.] Grandma's in the ballet! 

[Dor. and Wash, business of whispering and laughing 
together. LeCl. stands as before watching Ed.] 

Ed. [To Dr. H. persuasively.] Couldn't the lounge 
be moved over that way a little? [Gesture towards R. 
To Mrs. H.] And then with the screen behind it, 
you'd be perfectly safe. [Appealing to Hard, and 
Dr. H.] Let's try it anyhow! 

Dr. H. [Grumblingly .] Well — ! 

Mrs. H. [Still ruffled.] Well — ! 

[ They look on while Hard, and Jack, rearrange lounge, 
and unfold screen behind it. Ed. business of arranging 
cushions, footstool, etc. In the new position the lounge is 
up-stage, somewhat to the right of c. and the screen opened 
to its fullest extent behind it completely conceals door r. u.] 



74 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Ed. [Finishes business with cushions. To Mrs. H.] 
There ! Now try that! 

Mrs. H. [Sits.] Oh, this is very nice! Come, John! 
There won't be any air on you either. 

Dr. H. [Sits, still a little out of temper.] Air? Air 
never hurt anybody yet! Anybody with some clothes 
on his back, that is! 

[Business of Dr. H., Mrs. H. talking together; Ed. 
and Hard, business of talking together; Jack, comes 
down, takes position at phonograph; LeCl. stands c. 
unnoticed by anybody, with eyes on Ed. and Hard.] 

Wash. [Down c. with Dor. Turns.] Well.? All 
ready ? 

Ed. [Turns.] Why, Mr. Harding and I were just 
talking it over, and [Pauses; hesitates.] — he doesn't 
know all of Mr. Patton's part, of course — I only 
showed him the last of it, where we dance, you know. 
So don't you think we'd better just go over that and 
leave out the rest.f* It's getting so late. To-morrow — 

LeCl. [Interrupts; loud voice.] To-morrow? 

[Everybody slightly startled, turning to look at him. A 
slight pause \ 

Ed. [Patient, explanatory manner^ Why yes, Frank- 
lin, we can take time to-morrow — 

Wash. [Interrupts \ Cliff may get back — 

Dor. [Interrupts^ And if he doesn't, you and Mr. 
Harding can practice that other part by yourselves, 
Edith, isn't that your idea.? 

Ed. [Startled.] No, no, I didn't mean that! I — I — 
[At a loss.] 

Dor. [Goes on without heeding her.] All right! [To 
others.] Let's go ahead now! 

[Business of all four moving to take positions.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 75 

Dr. H. [Burlesque dramatic manner.] On with the 
dance! The ancient dance — ! [Lights cigar.] 

Wash. [Takes position.] I think that's a pretty- 
punk name. It doesn't sound like anything. ^ An 
Ancient Dance' — ! 

Dr. H. [Smoking.] It's symbolic, isn't it.? Has a 
double meaning, you know. Two gents and one lady — 
probably the most ancient dance known! 

Dor. [Enlightened.] Oh! Isn't that cute .? 

[All in position down c] 

Hard. [To LeCl.] Where do you stand? 

LeCl. [Eyes on Ed.] Eh? [Looks about vaguely.] 
Where do I — ? Why — I don't know — 

Wash. [Interrupts.] By Jove, we forgot all about 
you. Bunny! Let's see — [Looks around, considering.] 

LeCl. [Vaguely.] It doesn't matter, does it? 

Wash. [Unconsciously candid.] No, not a bit! Only 
you've got to be somewhere. [To others.] He ought 
to be off on one side where the audience can't see him — 
when he shoots her, I mean. Isn't that the way we 
decided on? 

Mrs. H. [Nervously.] Well, I hope it's not necessary 
for you to go banging around right in the room with us, 
Mr. LeClere? It's so noisy and — and smelly, like the 
Fourth of July. 

Dor. He might go out in the hall. [Points R. u.] 

Wash. Yes. Leave the door open though. Bunny. 

[They stand waiting while LeCl. goes slowly u. At 
lounge he halts, turning to look at Ed. Steps backward, 
and stumbles over Mrs. Hitchcock's footstool. Ex- 
clamation from everybody.] 

Dr. H. [A little testily.] Dear me — ! [Readjusts 
footstool under Mrs. Hitchcock's feet.] 



76 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

LeCl. Hey? Oh! I beg your pardon, doctor, I 
didn't see where I was going. [Looks at Ed.] Isn't 
she pretty to-night."^ [Stands gazing at Ed.] 

Dr. H. Eh? ]Follows LeClere's eyes. Smiles; 
amused; indulgent.] Oh yes! Very pretty! [Turns 
away; business of talking to Mrs. H.] 

[Exit LeCl. slowly r. u.] 

[Jack, business of starting phonograph. Dance. Re- 
volver-shot heard off. Ed. sinks to floor c. Hard, comes 
to a stand-still abruptly, standing over her. Dor. and 
Wash, take attitudes R. and l. Music continues for a 
few seconds, as the shooting is timed towards the close 
of the dance.] 

Wash. [Shouts at Hard, imperatively.] Catch her! 
This is where you ought to catch her! 

Hard. [Taken aback.] Oh, I didn't know — [Stoops 
to help her up.] 

Ed. [Raises herself on one arm. Gesture.] We didn't 
have time to rehearse this part! 

[Hard, helps her up; Dr. H. and Mrs. H. vigorous 
applause.] 

Dr. H. [Calls from up-stage.] Fine! Splendid! 
Beautifully done ! We don't miss Patton at all, Dick ! 

[A gust of wind. Door r. u. slams. Mrs. H. business 
of starting, shivering, and looking around alarmed. 
Dancers business of all talking almost at once.] 

Dor. [To Hard.] You have to be ready for her. 
Show him, Edith ! 

Hard. Is it where the music changes ? Like this — ? 
[Whistles.] 

Ed. [Listens.] Now — no, now — just after that 
measure. [To Wash.] You know you oughtn't to 
have been standing there — [Gesture.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 77 

Wash. [Interrupts.] I know. I expect we'd better 
go over the whole thing again. [To Jack.] Wind her 
up once more, will you ? [Goes u. Stops at end of lounge; 
business of talking to Dr. H and Mrs. H.] 

[Ed. and Hard, business of showing him how and where 
she is to fall.] 

Dor. [Business of watching them. Sudden thought, 
calls after Wash.] Oh, somebody ought to tell IMr. 
LeClere ! 

Wash. [Calls back.] Just going to. [Steps around 
end of screen, but continues in full view of audience, look- 
ing off R. Calls.] We have to go over it again, Bunny. 
Got another shell .f^ [Turns down-stage; speaks over his 
shoulder.] Hey? [To others impatiently.] I guess he 
can't hear. The door's blown shut. [Comes down.] 

Dor. Maybe he's gone upstairs — 

Wash. [Interrupts.] It doesn't make any difference 
about Bunny anyhow; we don't really need him — 

Hard. [Interrupts.] Oh yes, we do! [To Jack.] 
Start the music, and then go and tell Mr. LeClere, 
please. [To^ ash. low voice.] You don't want the poor 
fellow to feel out of it, you know. 

Jack. [Answers Hard.] Yes, sir. [Business with 
phonograph.] 

[Business of everybody taking position again. Dance 
begins. Jack, watches them a moment, then goes u. 
Exit R. u. behind screen. Dance continues. After an 
instant, loud, inarticulate shout in Jackson's voice 
heard off. Dancers continue, not hearing it. Mrs. H. 
startled movement. Dr. H. turns, half -rises, turns back 
to speak to her, about to sit again, when enter Jack. r. u. 
staggering, ghastly face. Mrs. H. starts up. Dr. H. re- 
strains her. She stands watching him, while he runs to 



78 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Jack. Jack, business of trying vainly to speak, points 
off R. leans against wall, covers face with hands. Exit 
hastily Dr. H. ; after an instant. Jack, makes effort, fol- 
lows him, trembling. Mrs. H. starts u. goes a few steps 
after them; hesitates; stops, stands looking alternately off- 
stage, and at the dancers, undecided. Music and dancing 
continue all during this.] 

Wash. [Down c, dancing to Hard.] Now you want 
to get ready, old man! 

Hard. All right! 

[At the same measure in the music as before, Ed. sinks 
down. Hard, fails to catch her, though obviously making 
ready. He stands at a loss as before, then wheels and 
looks up-stage. Dor. and Wash, take attitudes as before.] 

Dor. [Cries out accusingly to Hard.] There! Now! 
Why don't you do it .? 

Hard. [Confused, apologetic] I was waiting for 
him to shoot her. [Helps Ed. to rise. Music ceases.] 

Ed. Franklin couldn't have understood — 

Wash. More likely he didn't have another shell — 

Dor. [Fanning herself with her handkerchief.] Do 
let's go and get some ice-water! 

[General movement u. Dr. H. enters R. u. Business 
of speaking to Mrs. H.] 

Mrs. H. [Movement and exclamation.] Oh, John! 

Dr. H. [With composure and authority, makes a ges- 
ture quieting her.] Hush! [Moves down a step. Same 
manner.] Richard, I wish you'd come here a minute. 
You too, Tom. 

[Sudden silence. Consternation. Wash, and Hard. 
follow Dr. H. off R. Door heard closing. Loud exclama- 
tion from Wash, and Hard, muffled by closed door. 
Silence. Women stand staring after men.] 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 79 

Dor. [To Ed. frightened voice.} Something's hap- 
pened! 

Ed. [Stands c. motionless.] Yes. 

[Pause. Silence. All tense attitudes, listening.] 

Dor. [Terrified.] Something's happened! [Runs to 
Mrs. H. Hysterically.] What is it — oh, what? 

Mrs. H. [Agitated.] My dear, I — I — 

Ed. [Stares at her an instant.] It's FrankHn ! [Starts 
R. u.] 

Mrs. H. [Very much shaken, but collecting herself, 
interposes.] Dont! [As Ed. halts and looks at her again, 
imploringly.] Don't go that way, Edith! [Same busi- 
ness as Ed. gently attempts to put her aside.] Listen to 
me ! Dr. Hitchcock told me you mustn't go that way — 
none of us can go that way — he says we mustn't! 
Come with me — the other stairs — come to my room 
— [Frantically urges Ed. towards L. u.] 

Ed. [Stands still, looks at Mrs. H. fixedly.] It is 
FrankHn! 

Mrs. H. [Same business, much agitated.] My dear, 
you shan't be kept from him — you shall see him 
presently — but not now — you can't now — the doc- 
tor said not — he's being taken care of — they're all 
taking care of him — the doctor knows what to do — 
he said we couldn't do anything — we're just women, 
you know — he said you were to stay with me — [Be- 
gins to cry.] — Come with me now — [Same business.] 

Dor. [Appalled.] Oh, Mrs. Hitchcock, is it really — ? 
[Pause.] He's not — .? [Pause.] He didn't — ? [Be- 
comes more and more hysterical, almost screaming.] He's 
only hurt — ? He isn't — .? [In a panic, seizing 
Edith's arm.] Oh come, Edith, come quick! 

Ed. [Same manner.] Won't he know me? 



8o THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Mrs. H. [Breaks down, sobbing.] Oh, you poor child 
— you poor child ! 

[Exeunt L. u. Voices heard inarticulately outside, 
gradually diminishing in the distance. A long pause. 
Stage empty. Gusts of wind; rain dashing against window- 
panes.] 

[Enter hurriedly R. u. Wash. Crosses up-stage to 
L. u. Exit, leaving door wide open giving glimpse of hall 
outside. After an instant reappears with a telephone- 
directory. Comes down a little to table L. Stands by it, 
holding hook under the electric lamp, business of searching 
for a number; finds it, gets out pencil and makes a note 
of it. Exit L. u. After an instant, voice heard off L.] 
Hello. ... I want long-distance, please . . . long- 
distance, I want to talk to New. . . . Yes . . . [Pause.] 
Hello, long-distance.? I want to talk to somebody in 
New York City. . . . Why, this is Dr. John Hitch- 
cock's residence — Dr. Hitchcock. . . . What's that.? 
. . . Yes. . . . Oh, are you ready? The party is 
C. J. LeClere . . . LeClere . . . LeCl — [Spelling 
slowly and distinctly.] L-e-C-1-e-r-e-. . . . Did you 
getit? . . . C.J. — Charles J. . . . That's right! . . . 
The Elberon, Riverside Drive . . . Elberon, it's an 
apartment-building. . . . The Elbe. . . . Yes, that's 
right. . . . Park One-Nine-One-Three. . . . Shall I 
hold the line.? . . . Hey.? . . . Hang up? Oh, all 
right! 

[After an instant, re-enters; props door open with a 
chair; starts down. At same moment enter Harding 
R. u. with raincoat and hat. Comes down.] 

Hard. [To Wash, subdued voice.] Did you get him? 

Wash. [Subdued voice.] I left the call on the long- 
distance. 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 8i 

[Both down-stage. They continue speaking in subdued 
voices all through this scene.} 

Hard. [Putting on raincoat.] The doctor's writing 
the telegrams. 

Wash. Yes? Where' re yow going.? 

Hard. Why, I told Dr. Hitchcock I thought the 
quickest way to get somebody here to — to take charge 
of — of the — [Hesitates, obvious shrinking, looks at 
Wash, with meaning.] 

Wash. [Quickly.] To take charge of — of every- 
thing — upstairs, you mean ? [Nods.] Yes, I see. 

Hard. I told him Fd take his big car and go in town 
and get them, and bring them right out at once. They 
keep those places open all night — 

Wash. [Nods.] Yes, they have to be ready any time. 
Lord, I never could understand how anybody could 
choose to be an undertaker! 

[Enter DoR. L. u. moving quickly and cautiously. Both 
nun turn towards her.] 

Dor. [Runs down to them. Subdued voice.] Oh, 
you're here! Oh, isn't it terrible? 

Hard. Yes, it is terrible ! [Pause.] How is Edith — 
[Catches himself.] — How is Mrs. LeClere? 

Dor. Why, she hasn't given way at all — just sits 
there as still! I think she's sort of stunned. Mrs. 
Hitchcock's with her. I came away — I'm no good — 
simply no earthly good — I'm so frightened! [To 
Wash.] Weren't you telephoning just now? 

Wash. Yes, trying to get Bunny's brother — Charley 
LeCIere, you know. 

Dor. [Answers Wash.] Oh! [To Hard.] You're 
not going out in this rain, Mr. Harding? 

Hard. [Turns up edge of his trousers, raises collar of 



82 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

raincoat, etc] In the machine. I have to go down to 
the garage and get it out myself. The doctor's chauf- 
feur has gone home. 

Wash. Want help ? 

Hard. Oh, thank you, Tom, don't believe I do. 
It's a Standish, same make as my own — I guess I 
can manage it by myself — 

Dor. [Interrupts.] Why, can't Jackson — .? 

Hard. [Interrupts. Emphatic] Jackson's all in! 
The doctor had to give him something! He was the 
first one to — to see — to see it, you know. [Pauses. 
Looks down.] The poor fellow can't get over it. [Ad- 
dresses them both.] Do you know he says that actually 
the very last thing he said to Bunny was to ask him 
to be more careful how he pointed the revolver! Of 
course Jackson's only a servant — he couldn't say much 
— it wasn't his place — 

Wash. It was luck anyhow. Bunny had got the 
shells all mixed up — there was a handful of both kinds 
in his pocket. [To Hard.] You know.? You saw me 
take 'em out.? He must have just happened to pick a 
loaded one. 

Dor, I thought you couldn't tell them apart. 

Wash. Oh yes, if you're a little careful. There's a 
difference in the weight. Anybody else would have 
been on their guard, especially after that scare we'd had 
already. But Bunny — [Shakes head.] Nice job ex- 
plaining to the coroner! 

Dor. [Horrified.] The coroner? Do we have to 
have him? 

Hard. Can't be helped, in a case like this, I think. 
[Fumbles in his clothes.] Got a cigar, Tom? 

Wash. [Begins to fumble in his clothes; stops, realizing 



AN ANCIENT DANCE 83 

that he is still in costume.] Pshaw — thought I had! 
But not in these clothes, of course! Take one of Dr. 
Hitchcock's, why don't you? He won't mind. 

[Hard, and Wash, business of searching on table and 
finding cigars and matches.] 

Dor. [Sits l.] Dr. Hitchcock's perfectly splendid, / 
think! So cool and knows exactly what to do! [Pauses.] 
Well, to be sure, a doctor's used to all kinds of awful 
things ! 

Wash. Better light that now, Dick. You'd have 
trouble getting it going outside. Here — [Business of 
scratching match and holding it to Harding's cigar. 
Lower voice.] It seems awful, somehow, to be smoking 
— and talking — and all that, with poor old Bunny 
upstairs — ! But after all — ! 

Hard. [Gravely.] It's nothing to him, I expect, 
Tom — nothing to him, now! [Going u. Turns.] 
You're going to stay here, aren't you ? 

Wash. Sure! All night, if they need me. 

Hard. Well, 'bye! [Exit r. u.] 

[Wash, comes down c. Stands, hands in pockets, 
thoughtful. A pause.] 

Dor. I cant understand how he did it! Do you 
suppose he knew? 

Wash. [Shakes head.] Dr. Hitchcock says not. He 
says it was all over in a flash. 

Dor. Well, that was a blessing, anyhow! [Pause.] 
Where was it.? Where did it — you know? 

Wash. [Without speaking shows her by placing finger- 
tip under right side of lower jaw, towards the ear.] 

Dor. [Shudders.] Goodness! I suppose it went 
right through! 

Wash. [Walks nervously up and down.] Don't talk 



84 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

about it! [Same business.] We carried him upstairs — 
[Breaks off. Same business.] I hope FU never have to 
see anything like that again! [Passes hand across fore- 
head. Sits R.] 

[A -pause.] 

Dor. Well, it sounds dreadful to say it, of course, 
but wasn't the whole thing just like Bunny LeClere! 

[Telephone-bell rings off l. Wash, turns, listens an 
instant, rises, goes u.] 

CURTAIN 



CIVILIZATION 

A PLAY IN ONE ACT 

Characters in the Order in which they Appear 

PoN, a Chinese hutler 

A Maid 

Jim Belding 

Janie [Mrs. Jim Belding] 

Mrs. Marion Blake Kebler 

Archie Hughes 

Polly Maxwell 

Nina King, a sister of Mrs. Belding 

John Black, ranch-foreman 

Billy Simcoe 

Time: the present. 

Scene: the Beldings' ranch at Miraflores, Southern 
California. 

[Curtain rises, discovering the patio of the Belding 
ranch-house, an old mission remodeled. Arcades 
L. and R. with two doors u. and D. on each side. At 
hack low parapet of weathered concrete, with large 
vases in classic style, filled with growing plants, at 
regular intervals. In the middle, opening with low, 
square pillars on either hand, at head of a flight of 
steps descending to a lower level. Beautiful distant 
view of mountains, etc. At c. fine old Spanish well- 
8s 



86 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

head, round, about waist-high, built of blue tiles, 
with arched wrought-iron frame-work with chains, 
pulleys, etc., for drawing water. R. u. brilliantly 
colored parrot on a stand, with potted plants massed 
about the base. L. u. telescope mounted on a tripod, 
and trained to command the middle landscape. R. D. 
wicker chaise-longue with pillows, Navajo blanket, 
etc., small wicker stand with smoking things, com- 
fortable wicker arm-chairs, rockers, etc. L. D. larger 
table set for a meal, two or three chairs. Scattered on 
the floor, seats of chairs and smoking-table, maga- 
zines, papers, bridge-score pad, a chiffon scarf, etc. 
An armful of bright-colored flowers heaped on the 
curb of the well, beside them a pair of gauntlet gloves 
and pair of scissors.] 
[Enter Pon l. u. elderly Chinaman, noiseless, efficient, 
immaculately clean in loose white blouse and trousers, 
skullcap, Chinese shoes, etc. He carries a pitcher 
and under the other arm two or three tall glass vases. 
Goes to well, sets vases and pitcher down carefully 
alongside the flowers, draws a bucket of water and 
fills pitcher. Moves about, business of straightening 
and tidying up the place; shakes and plumps up the 
pillows, folds Navajo blanket neatly, picks up scarf, 
considers it a moment, folds it neatly, and lays it 
down on table. Picks up magazines, dusts off, 
arranges on smoking-table. Looks all around. Exit 
L. u. Clock heard off striking nine. Immediately 
afterwards a shrill, prolonged ringing as of an 
electric bell. Re-enter Pon l. u. with dust-pan, 
broom and brush with which he begins to sweep up 
floor of enclosure. Enter L. u. maid in smart uni- 
form, cap, etc., carrying a coffee-percolator on a 



CIVILIZATION 87 

large silver tray with cups, saucers, etc., which she 
arranges on breakfast-table R. d. Exit l. u.] 
[Enter R. u. B elding. Comes slowly down c, looking 
over bulky circular which he holds spread open in 
front of him with both hands, some letters crowded 
into one hand along with the circular. Pon stops 
sweeping, and stands still respectfully as Beld. 
nears him.] 

Beld. [Glances up, grunts abstractedly in salutation.] 
Ump, Pon! G'm'rning! 

Pon. [Civil, impassive.] Goo' moiling, Missee Bald- 
ing! 

Beld. [Same business, reading as he moves slowly d. c] 
Was this all the mail that came this morning.? 

Pon. [Resumes sweeping as Beld. passes him.] Yes, 
sir. 

[Beld. stands d. c. same business. Pon comes d. r. 
with dust-pan and brush and begins cleaning up on 
hands and knees around and under chaise-longue and 
smoking-table. Enter Maid l. u. with covered dishes.] 

Beld. [Glances up. Same business.] Ump! G'm'rn- 
ing! 

Maid. [Correct and quiet.] Good-morning, sir! 

Beld. [Crosses slowly towards chaise-longue, speaking 
as he scans circular, fluttering the leaves.] Just myself 
and Mrs. Belding for breakfast, Maggie. I think the 
others are all having theirs in their rooms. 

Maid. Yes, sir, thank you. Madame rang for me 
to start the coffee, sir. 

Beld. [Reaches chaise-longue, sits on foot of it, throw- 
ing circular aside. To Maid.] All right, start it! 
She'll be here in a minute. [Begins opening letters.] 



88 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Maid business of lighting alcohol lamp under per- 
colator.] 

Beld. [To Pon, crumpling up some torn envelopes, 
circular, etc.] Here, these can go into your trash. 
[Movement and exclamation as Pon presents dust-pan.] 
Hi, what's that you've got hold of? [Fishes out bridge- 
score pad, business of flipping it against lounge, blowing 
off dust and lint, etc.] Where'd you find this ? 

Pon [Impassive.] Him on gloun'. Allee samee tlash. 

Beld. Trash? Trash nothing! It's money, Pon, 
[With burlesque emphasis.] dollars, you know — cold, 
hard, round, iron men! It's a bridge-score — you know 
that game we play ? [Makes motion of dealing cards all 
around, gathering up hand, sorting it, studying cards 
with a frown.] Two hearts! Double! Satisfied! Hey, 
Pon? 

Pon. [Going on cleaning up. Impassive.] Allee li! 

Be^d. [Looking over score.] Let's see. [Reads.] 
"Hughes and Mrs. Kebler, minus sixty- two-fifty" — 
"B. and Mrs. B. plus — " [Mumbles, gets out pencil 
and verifies figures.] I guess that's right. Hughes was 
keeping score last night. He and Marion Kebler had 
rotten luck playing together. [Reads.] "Hughes, 
P. M." — [Puzzled.] P. M.? Oh yes, he means when 
he was playing with Polly Maxwell. They won that 
rubber and Marion got soaked forty or fifty again. 
[Glances over score again, grimaces, shakes head, dangles 
score-pad between his hands, idly watching Pon.] Women 
haven't any lousiness to play for money, don't you 
think so, Pon? 

Pon. [Cleaning, impassive.] No savvy. Chinee 
women no can do. 

[Enter Janie r. u.] 



CIVILIZATION 89 

Beld. Can't, hey? I suppose if one of 'em did and 
lost some money, her husband could tie her up and 
beat her, is that it? You can't do that in a civilized 
country like this. [Turns.] Hello, Janie! [Lays score 
down on table.] 

Janie. Good-morning, Jimmie! [Comes d. c. Nods 
to PoN. Crosses d. l. towards table.] Breakfast ready? 
[ To Maid who is standing stiffly in correct attitude.] Very 
well, Maggie, that's all. Mr. Belding and I will wait 
on ourselves as usual. [Sits at table.] 

Maid. Thank you, madame. [Going.] 

[Exit PoN L. u.] 

Janie. Oh, just a minute, Maggie. I want you to 
take a grape-fruit up to my sister, instead of the orange. 
She likes them better. [Business of attending to coffee- 
machine, cups and saucers, etc.] Had your breakfast, 
Jim? 

Beld. Not yet. Waiting for you. [Crosses l. to 
table. Sits.] 

Maid. If you please, madame. Miss King has had 
her breakfast. 

Janie. Oh, has she? [Pauses. Glances towards flowers 
on the well-curb.] Why, she hasn't fixed the flowers yet. 
[Resumes business of moving her hands about among the 
dishes. Casually.] I suppose she has gone out, Maggie? 

Maid. [Civil, expressionless.] Yes, madame. 

Janie. [Same business.] Out riding with Mr. Black, 
perhaps? 

Maid. [Same business.] Yes, Madame. 

Janie. [Nods at her in dismissal.] Very well. 

[Exit Maid l. u.] 

Beld. What's to eat? [Business of lifting covers to 
look into dishes.] Ah-ha-a! [Exaggerated relish.] The 



90 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

delicious California egg: Ah-ha-a! The ditto Cali- 
fornia broiled bacon! The ditto, ditto toasted muffin! 
And here we have the California super-orange, grown 
on the luscious soil of our own broad acres beneath the 
golden California skies ! [Cuts orange with a flourish.] 

Janie. [Selecting orange, lazily amused.] Glorious! 
Sounds just like a native son! Where did you get it? 

Beld. Out of a circular that came this morning. 
One of these come-on ones, boosting this section, you 
know. We're in it. It had photographs of the house 
and everything. "Winter home of James Belding, 
Esquire, well-known member of Miraflores County's 
New York Colony." 

[Both of them business of eating.] 

Janie. [Indifferent amusement.] Really? 

Beld. Yes, and it had Henderson's, too. Spoke of 
him as a millionaire who makes a profitable fad of 
raising polo-ponies — [Chuckles.] Profitable! 

Janie. [Laughs.] Profitable! 

Beld. That's what it said. Picture of old Vance in 
his polo-outfit. 

Janie. [More interest.] Oh, was there anything 
about Mrs. Vance Henderson? 

Beld. No. That is, I don't think so. No photo- 
graph anyhow. 

Janie. [Confidential.] Do you suppose the people 
that got the circular up are on? 

Beld. On? You mean about Vance and Laura? I 
want a little more cream, please. Why, I don't know. 
I don't think it would make much difference out here, 
anyhow. Everything goes in California. Besides, 
they're married now whatever they were before, so 
it's all square, isn't it? 



CIVILIZATION 91 

Janie. [Emphatic] No, it isnt all square, Jim, and 
you know it. 

Beld. [Argumentative.] Well now, why not? Of 
course she went off with Henderson without waiting 
to get a divorce from Number One — 

Janie. [Interrupting.] Number One? 

Beld. I mean Van Dyke, her first husband, you 
know. Laura goes off with Vance Henderson without 
stopping for anything, and of course that's a foolish 
thing to do. But the minute Van Dyke divorces her, 
why, Vance and she get married. They can't do any 
more than that, can they? They're just as respectable 
as lots of people we know, married — [Sips coffee.] — or 
single — [Sips.] — or mixed! 

Janie. Oh, don't say respectable, Jim, it sounds so 
common. You might say respectable of a scrubwoman 
or janitor or somebody like that, but not about people 
we know. You can't call people in society respectable. 

Beld. [Rises.] Well, that's just what the Hender- 
sons are. [Crosses r. d. business of selecting cigarette 
from smo king-table.] The other day when Hughes and 
I rode over there to look at the ponies we both noticed 
it. They looked bored to death. [Sits R. smoking.] 
Hughes thought it was funny, but — [Shakes head. 
Thoughtful.] — I don't know — I can't help feeling 
sorry for 'em, somehow. They must be confoundedly 
lonesome. 

Janie. [Pointedly.] Well, do you want me to go and 
call on Laura, and have them over here? 

Beld. [Abrupt movement, frowning.] No, of course 
not! 

Janie [Shrugs.] Oh! 

Beld. It's all right for Archie Hughes or myself, 



92 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

we're men, but — [Breaks off, frowning] — here's your 
sister, Nina, in the house, and Polly Maxwell — 

Janie. [Cool, ironical, amused.] Why, the Hender- 
sons are all square, aren't they? 

Beld. [Grunt of impatience.] Oh! [Looks at her, 
suddenly begins to laugh.] Lord, Janie, what a queer 
set of conventions we all live by! When you get right 
down to it, aren't we funny, though ? 

Janie. [Reasonably.] I don't see anything particu- 
larly funny about it. There are some things you can 
do, and there are some things you can^t do, and there's 
no sense in people thinking they can be different from 
everybody else. It's silly to try to be different. 

Beld. [Smoking. Meditative.] I daresay you're 
right. [Pause.] Sometimes I think we aren't really 
civilized at all, only sophisticated. Look at your friend 
Mrs. Kebler — [Sarcastic emphasis.] — Mrs. Marion 
Kebler of New York and more recently of Reno — 

Janie. [Interrupting, anxious.] Sh-h! She might 
hear you. [Rises. Moves l. d. and stands with finger 
on electric button. Bell rings distantly.] 

Beld. [Continuing.] She's just about in the same 
boat with the Hendersons — she and Archie Hughes — 

Janie. [Interrupting.] Do be careful ! 

Beld. Why, everybody knows about her and 
Arch. 

Janie. But nothing's ever come out. It's not the 
same at all. 

Beld. That's just the point I'm making. Nobody'U 
have anything to do with the Hendersons, but here 
are Marion and Hughes staying in our house, and 
everybody knows why she got her divorce, and every- 
body knows Archie isn't out here to buy polo-ponies 



CIVILIZATION 93 

at all, but just so they can be together, but it's all right, 
because nothing's ever come out, and so — oh — er — 
ahem — ! [Halts suddenly as Janie makes a warning 
gesture.^ 

[Enter Maid l. u. Beld. and Janie silently watch 
her gather up tray of breakfast-things and exit L. u.] 

Janie. [Crosses l. d. picks up magazine.] You ought 
to be more careful. [Business of glancing through 
magazine.] 

Beld. [Shrugs. Grins.] That's another point! 
Hughes and Mrs. K. know perfectly well that every- 
body is talking about them. The whole business is 
just as much of a game as auction. You can't play if 
you don't mind the rules! 

Janie. [With interest, throwing down magazine.] Oh, 
how did we come out last night? 

Beld. [Hands her the score.] I just rescued this from 
the waste-basket. Polly's ahead. Marion seems to 
have given the party. She owes nearly all of it. 

Janie. [Looks it over.] She lost almost every time! 
[Lays score down on table.] 

Beld. She can't play a little bit, anyhow. 

Janie. We ought to have enough people here for 
another table. You and I can't play against each other; 
it's just taking the money out of one pocket and putting 
it in the other, and we don't want to play together all 
the time. [Considers.] I wonder who we could ask — 
somebody that can play, of course. 

Beld. Well, why doesn't Nina ever come into the 
game } 

Janie. [Significantly.] Yes, why doesn't she? [Sits 
L. c. D. A pause, during which she looks at him and he 
at her, Janie with meaning, Beld. puzzled.] That's 



94 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

one reason why Fd like to have a little bigger house- 
party — more men, anyhow. 

Beld. [Same business.] Hey? 

Janie. [Incredulous.] Why, haven't you noticed? 

Beld. [Same business.] Hey? 

Janie. Everybody else has. 

Beld. [Gazes blankly at her, shaking his head.] 

Janie. Even the servants. I could tell from Maggie's 
manner just now when I asked her if my sister had 
gone out riding with Mr. Black. 

Beld. [Loud.] Black! 

Janie. Sh-h! 

Beld. [Enlightened.] Black and Nina! Oh! 

Janie. Sh-h! 

[A slight pause.] 

Beld. Well, he's a very good-looking young fellow — 
picturesque — makes you think of The Virginian and 
all that, you know. That style is something new to 
Nina. It's natural enough. 

Janie. [Impatient.] Oh, natural! As if people could 
be natural! Why, you know we can't let it go on, Jim. 
It's not to be thought of for one minute. A ranch- 
foreman! Why, what would people say? What — ? 

Beld. [Interrupting.] Sh-h! Don't get so excited! 
I see — I understand. Of course it's got to be stopped 
somehow. But maybe it hasn't gone so far as you are 
afraid. Maybe they're both — you know? Like any 
pretty girl and young man? It's just as I say, they 
wouldn't be human if they didn't start something. It 
doesn't have to be serious with either one of them. 

Janie. [Positive.] Jim, this is dead earnest. I know 
all about Nina — my own sister! 

Beld. Why, has she told you — ? 



CIVILIZATION 95 

Janie. [Interrupting, impatient gesture.] No, of 
course she wouldn't tell me anything — my own sister! 
But she talks about his being a MAN all the time — 

Beld. [Involuntary laugh.] Well, he is a man all the 
time, isn't he? 

Janie. Oh, you know what I mean. When girls 
talk about a MAN in that strain — ! 

Beld. Well — ! [Rises, walks about, hands in 
pockets, frowning.] 

Janie. [Suggestively.] Send him away.? 

Beld. [Ironic] Yes. Next day Nina'd go off and 
meet him somewhere, and they'd get married right off 
the reel! [Shakes head with a negative grunt.] Hump! 
We're got to think up something better than that, 
Janie. [Continues to walk about, same business.] 

Janie. Now you see why it would be a good thing to 
get some more people here. Nina and he wouldn't 
have so many opportunities anyhow. 

Beld. No, but if anybody says anything to her 
about it, or if we show that we're trying to keep her 
out of it, why — [Gesture] — it's all off! She'll marry 
him sure! 

Janie. Oh, I've pretended all along to be perfectly 
unconscious that anything was going on — [Abrupt 
change of face, voice and manner.] Why, Marion! 

[Enter Mrs. Kebler r. d.] 

Mrs. K. [Gaily.] Good-morning, host and hostess! 
[Looks all around.] Nobody else here.f* This air is so 
lovely it's outrageous the way we all sleep. 

Janie. You've had something to eat.? [Goes u. c. 
begins to sort flowers.] 

Mrs. K. Oh, yes! Perfectly luscious breakfast! 
Waffles and honey — I adore waffles and honey, don't 



96 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

you ? And a great big bunch of red roses on the tray. 
I adore red roses! [Sits r. d.] Fm going to take one 
of your cigarettes, Mr. Belding. [Takes it. Business of 
looking for match on smoking-table, comes across bridge- 
score.] Oo-ooh, here's that awful score from last night! 
Everybody was minus! [Drops it carelessly on match-tray.] 
I never saw such hands! [Lights cigarette and drops 
burning match-end carelessly on tray.] 

Beld. [Makes movement, then controls it.] Er — look 
out! That is — [Stops; grins; sits deliberately L. D. 
watching her.] 

Mrs. K. Eh? [Leans back luxuriously in chair, blow- 
ing out a cloud of smoke.] Those roses were simply gor- 
geous. But everything is like that out here — so 
luxuriant — so free, you know! 

[Bridge-score burning.] 

Beld. [Drily, watching it.] Yes, very free! 

Mrs. K. It seems to be in the air, somehow. 

Beld. Yes, looks that way. 

Mrs. K. [Slight scream.] Oh, do look what I've done! 
Well, it's lucky I didn't set anything else on fire — any- 
thing valuable. But isn't that too bad .f* Does anybody 
remember where anybody was? 

Janie. Polly was ahead, I believe. 

Mrs. K. Oh, isnt that a shame? Well, I suppose 
we'll just have to let it go. And Polly's the one that 
needs it most. She simply can't afford to lose. 

Beld. Nobody's particularly keen on losing. 

Mrs. K. No, of course not. [Innocently,] I wonder 
where / came out. Did you notice? 

Beld. [Rises. Looks at watch.] I know where / 
ought to be this minute. Watching them spray the 
oranges. [Goes u.] 



CIVILIZATION 97 

Mrs. K. Spray the oranges ? How interesting! 

Janie. No, it isn't, it's an awful bore. But Jim 
thinks he has to be a farmer here, you know. 

[Enter Hughes at steps u. c. coming up just as B eld- 
ing starts down. Both speak at once.] 

Hughes. To, Jimmie! 

Beld. Hey, Arch! 

[At sound of Hughes' voice, Mrs. K. rises and turns 
eagerly in that direction, making little nervous movements 
about her hair, dress, etc. Beld. going down steps, voice 
heard at gradually increasing distance. Hughes appears 
at top of steps, turning to shout after him. Enter Polly 

R. D.] 

Hughes. [Calling to ^"eu).] Just starting out.? 

Beld. [Calling back.] Yep. Coming along? 

Hughes. [Same business.] Not this morning, thanks 
— [Turns, sees Mrs. K. Retreats impulsively. Calling 

All this he- 
ginning with 
Hughes' en- 
trance, so 
rapidly as to 
be almost 
simultaneous. 



a/^^r Beld.] Wait, Jim! 

Beld. [Of stage.] Hey? Coming? 

Hughes. [Hesitating.] Yes — no! 
That is, after a while. Never mind ! 

Beld. [At a dista?ice.] All right! 

Polly, [d. r. zvaves hand to Janie.] 
Hoo-hoo, Jane! 

Janie. Well, Poll! 

Hughes. [Strolls d. c. to well-head.] Mrs. Belding, 
you look fit as ever this morning. Did you say Polly? 
How is my friend Poll to-day? [Goes l. u. to par- 
rot^s stand, with the effect of avoiding seeing Mrs. K.] 
Polly want some salad? [Picks leaf from one of the 
plants and offers it to the bird.] Don't eat salad for 
breakfast, eh? Here, now, none of that! [Withdraws 
hand quickly.] Don't bite, you brute, that isn't 



98 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

funny! [Business of playing with parrot, hack towards 
Mrs. K.] 

Janie. [At c. Business with flowers. Carelessly,] 
Here's the other Polly, Mr. Hughes. 

Hughes. [Turns.] Miss Maxwell! 

Polly. [Coo/.] Tut, tut! Double-tut, that is! Don't 
disturb him! Oh, let me have that rose, Janie, it just 
matches. [Runs u. c. to Janie, business of taking rose 
and fastening it in her dress.] 

Janie. As a thoughtful housewife, I am now going to 
inquire for the final time, has everybody had his break- 
fast? 

Polly. Last call! Dining-car to the rear! /have. 

Mrs. K. [Goes r. u. towards Hughes.] Mercy, Janie, 
we're all perfectly stuffed. 

Hughes. [Loud and a little rough.] Look out, Mrs. 
Kebler! Don't come too near! 

[Mrs. K. halts abruptly, stands and stares at him.] 

Hughes. [Less rough. Explanatory.] It's such a 
tricky beast. All parrots are, you know. Might reach 
out and nip you suddenly. 

Mrs. K. [Same business.] Oh! 

[During the above, Polly at Janie' s side, gives her a 
nudge. They exchange glances.] 

[Hughes crosses l. u. sauntering, business of looking 
through telescope, adjusting it in different positions. 
Mrs. K. watches him for an instant, comes d. c. picks 
up magazine, affects to look through it.] 

Polly. [Sits on well-curb.] How do you happen to be 
fixing the flowers, Janie ? I thought Nina always did it. 

Janie. [Carefully careless.] Oh, not always. She's 
out on the ranch somewhere this morning — [Breaks off 
abruptly.] — What is it.? 



CIVILIZATION 99 

[Enter PoN l. u.] 

PoN. You go talkee phone one time soon, please ? 

Hughes. [At telescope, peering through it. Ejaculates.] 
Huh! 

[Polly turns to look at him.] 

Janie. [To Pon.] Somebody wants me at the tele- 
phone? Who is it? 

Pon. Guess maybe so Santa Clistina. 

Janie. Santa Christina ranch — the Hendersons' ! 
[Hesitates.] Oh, well! [Going, glances around at others.] 
Just a minute! Fll be back. 

[Exit Janie, followed by Pon.] 

Polly. [To Hughes, after an instant of observing 
him as he continues absorbed in looking through the 
telescope.] What are you looking at, Mr. Hughes? 
What did you see when you shouted out that way 
just now? 

Hughes. [Dropping telescope, pretence of indifference.] 
Me? Why, nothing. Did I shout out? 

Polly. [Briskly, jumps down from well-curb.] Double- 
tut! You know you saw something. Here, let me — ! 
[Seizes telescope.] 

[Hughes stands aside grinning, l. u. c. Mrs. K. turns 
interested. Polly business of shifting telescope about, 
and looking through it.] 

Polly. Bother, I can't make out anything. I know 
there was something — [Same business.] 

Mrs. K. [Goes u. c. Languid curiosity.] What's the 
excitement ? 

Hughes. [To Polly.] Train it farther down the 
valley — no, to your right — 

Polly. [Interrupts, ejaculation.] Oh! [Gazes intently 
through telescope.] 



lOO THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Mrs. K. [Languidly satirical.] This is the most in- 
tense situation. 

Polly. [At telescope.] He's holding her hand — no, 
he isn't either! He was just leaning over with his hand 
on her horse's neck. Now he's taken it away. 

Hughes. [Lounging against balustrade.] Piker! 

Polly. [Jumps hack with an exclamation, letting go of 
telescope.] Good gracious! [To the others, beginning to 
laugh, discomfited.] They both looked straight up here, 
and Nina pointed with her whip right at me! 

Mrs. K. [Taking telescope.] Nina! [Business of look- 
ing through telescope, and finding the proper direction.] 

Hughes. [To Polly.] Why, they haven't any tele- 
scope. They couldn't see anybody at this distance. 

Polly. No — I know — of course they couldn't. 
But they seemed so near — it gave me such a funny 
feeling. 

Mrs. K. [At telescope.] Oh, I see them now! 

Polly. [To Hughes, eagerly.] What were they doing 
when you first saw them.? 

Hughes. Why, Black had got down to fix her stirrup, 
and she put out her hand and dusted something off of 
his shoulder — like this — [Illustrates on her shoulder.] 

Polly. [Alert.] Well? TA^w what happened? 

Hughes. Nothing. He got back on his horse again. 

Polly. [Disappointed.] He certainly is the slowest! 

Mrs. K. [Relinquishes telescope.] It's all over — 

Hughes | [Both at once, loud, excited.] What? Is 

Polly J he — ? Did she — ? Are they — ? 

Mrs. K. [Amused.] Calm yourselves! I only meant 
that it's all over for the present anyhow. They've 
ridden in among the trees, and you can't see any more. 

Hughes. [Humorously pessimistic] It looks as if 



CIVILIZATION loi 

they'd never pull it off at this rate. Well — ! [Shrugs. 
Takes out cigar.] 

Mrs K. Yes, I don't see what Janie Belding is so 
worried about. [Moves nearer him.] 

Polly. I should think you men would take a hint 
and wear the same kind of clothes Mr. Black does. 
They're so picturesque. 

Hughes. [Cool. Smoking.] Thanks. The costume 
would be a scream on Broadway, wouldn't it? 

Mrs. K. [Moving nearer.] Oh, Polly meant for you 
to wear it only while you're here, you know. [Takes 
hold of his watch-chain.] 

Hughes. [Twitches the chain out of her hand, backing 
away, frowning, annoyed.] Oh — er — pardon me, that 
smoke went right into your face ! [Gets over to balustrade 
R. u. and sits on it.] 

[Mrs. K. stands looking at him while he deliberately 
looks away from her. Polly u. c. glances from one of 
them to the other. Mrs. K. suddenly turns her back on 
both of them and comes down L. c. Stands, back to stage, 
looking down.] 

[Enter Janie l. u. hurriedly.] 

Janie. Oh, what do you think — ? 

[General movement.] 

Janie. Billy Simcoe's here! 

Hughes. You don't say! 

Polly. He said he was coming, but he didn't know 
when. 

Mrs. K. [Indifferently.] Oh, Billy Simcoe! 

Janie. He just telephoned and asked if he could 
come over to luncheon. 

Polly. Come over? Come over from where ? Where 
is he ? 



I02 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Janie. [Faintly embarrassed.] Why — ah — it seems 
he's stopping at the Hendersons'. 

[A slight pause.] 

Polly. [Blankly.] Oh! 

Janie. [Looking around, half apologetic] Well, what 
was I to do? He wanted to come to luncheon, and I 
couldn't very well — 

Mrs. K. [Icily.] Did Mr. and Mrs. Henderson invite 
themselves to luncheon, too? 

Janie. [Expostulating.] Oh, you know they wouldn't 
do thaty Marion! 

Hughes. No, Vance wasn't born yesterday — nor 
Mrs. H. either! But I'm curious to know what Billy 
said about them. 

Janie. He didn't say anything — just barely men- 
tioned them. But he said he would be there two weeks. 

Polly. Anyhow, we'll have another person for bridge 
now. Didn't you say it only took about ten minutes to 
motor over from their place? We can call him up any 
time — [Stops short.] — that is — 

Mrs. K. Rather awkward if Mr. or Mrs. happened 
to answer the telephone, don't you think ? 

Polly. Oh, one of the men could do the calling up. 
[To Hughes.] You wouldn't mind, would you? 

Hughes. Lord, no! I'm incorruptible. 

Janie. Well, I think I'll have to interview Pon — 
[Going L. D.] — You can all take care of yourselves ? 
Everybody do just what he wants to — you know that's 
our motto. 

Polly. [Hastily, running down L. after her.] Oh, wait 
a minute, Jane. Let me go with you — [Seizes Janie's 
arm, and with her back to the others, makes a grimace; 
nudges Janie violently.] I want to see the garden. 



CIVILIZATION 103 

Janie. [Not immediately understanding.] But Vm not 
going to the gard — [Halts abruptly as she catches the 
other s expression.] 

Polly. [With emphasis, pushing her through the door.] 
I love the garden, it's so pretty — [Both talking, exeunt 

L. D.] 

[A pause. Hughes sitting on balustrade, smoking. 
Mrs. K. at c. by the well, restlessly playing with the 
flowers.] 

Hughes. [Carefully conventional manner.] Nice place 
the Beldings have here. 

Mrs. K. [Enthusiastic] Isn't it? Fd love to have 
one just like it, wouldn't you.? One feels so far away 
from — oh, people, and — and the world, you know, 
and all that! There must be places for sale in the 
neighborhood. 

Hughes. [Cold.] It costs wads of the stuff to run 
it — you have to remember that. Belding can afford 
it — let's hope he can afford it, anyhow. / couldn't — 
[Corrects himself precipitately.] — Most people couldn't. 
And I don't know about it's being "so far away from 
people." You never know when you're going to run 
into the Hendersons. 

[A pause.] 

Mrs. K. [Timidly.] Wouldn't you like this rose in 
your coat? [Going towards him, halts as he gets up with 
an impatient movement. An instant while they stand look- 
ing at each other. She speaks in a changed voice.] Oh, 
very well, if you don't care for it! [Throws flower down.] 

Hughes. [Uneasy, a little ashamed.] Everybody 
would know you stuck it on me, you know, and — 
and — 

Mrs. K. [Savage.] Well? 



I04 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Hughes. Well — [Hesitates, then bursts out.] See 
here, Marion, you oughtn't to do that sort of thing, 
you know — I mean take hold of me — my watch-chain 
and all that — in front of people. It — it doesn't look 
well — it — oh, confound it, you know what I mean ! 

Mrs. K. You — you didn't use to mind — [Voice 
breaks; turns away from him, back to audience.] 

Hughes. [Annoyed.] Oh, that was different — that 
is — [Glances at her; throws away cigar, gets down from 
balustrade, moves about uneasily.] Oh now, be reason- 
able! You can see for yourself — [Pauses near her, 
irresolutely \ 

Mrs. K. I ought to see, I suppose. You're making 
it plain enough. 

Hughes. [Half relieved, half uneasy, with affected 
heartiness^ Well then, that's all right! Let's talk about 
something else! [Stoops and picks up rose, smells it, 
twirls it about, tries to fasten it in his button-hole; speaks 
with the same attempt at natural manner?^ Fix this, 
won't you ? 

[Mrs. K. hesitates an instant, then goes up to him and 
fastens the flower in his coat. As she draws back, Hughes 
takes hold of her hand.] 

Hughes. [Same manner.] There now, it's all right, 
isn't it } Come on and sit down over here. [Goes l. d. 
pulls a chair forward for her; business of beginning to 
rummage on smo king-stand.] Hello, what's become of 
that score — from last night, you know? I thought I 
put it right here. [Continues search.] Thunder! Where 
do you suppose — .'' Maybe Belding took it and put 
it away. I told him I'd settle up this morning — [Same 
business.] 

Mrs. K. [Sits l. d.] Never mind! I got rid of it. 



CIVILIZATION 105 

Hughes. [Straightens up; turns towards her.] You 
got rid of it ? 

Mrs. K. [Innocent assurance.] Yes, I burned it up — 
[Movement from Hughes. She halts, a little startled.] 

Hughes. You burned — ? 

Mrs. K. [Quickly.] Accidentally — that is, of course 
I made it seem as if it was accidental. I just dropped 
my cigarette on it. Jim Belding saw me, but he didn't 
suspect anything. 

Hughes. Didn't suspect anything! [Gives a kind of 
inarticulate snarl.] Ungh! [Walks to and fro, down- 
stage, hands in pockets, looking dow7i scowling.] 

Mrs. K. [Lozuering voice.] I wasn't going to let you 
pay for me again. It was an awful lot I lost. And 
really and truly, Arch, you were 'way behind the game 
yourself — 

Hughes. [Same business, interrupting her with another 
snarl.] Ungh! I don't know what possessed you — I 
can't imagine — [Same business while she watches him, 
puzzled and frightened.] Why, don't you know — ? 
Can't you understand — ? [Same business, stops in 
front of her, despairing gesture, another snarl.] Ungh! 
Oh, what's the use? [Resumes pacing.] 

Mrs. K. [Rises impatiently. Sharp and loud.] What 
is the use, to be sure.^ If you're so keen about it, for 
Heaven's sake pretend that you remember what you 
owed, and pay everybody — 

[Hoofs heard off.] 

Hughes [Interrupting her zvith another snarl as before.] 
Ungh! 

[Voices and laughter heard off.] 

Mrs. K. [Louder and sharper.] I don't mean for 
you to pay my part, thank you — 



io6 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Nina [Off. Gay hail.] What ho, the house! 

Hughes. [Interrupting Mrs. K. with gesture.] Sh-h! 

Mrs. K. [Not heeding him.] If you think you — 

Hughes. [Same business.] Hush! Do please — I 

[Both turn, facing up-stage.] 

[Enter Nina c. running up steps, followed hy Black.] 

Nina. [Mock military salute with her crop, very erect, 
clicking her heels together. Burst of laughter.] Well, are 
you up for all day at last? [Turns to Black, pointing 
to the others with crop.] Moving-picture of the toiling 
masses, Mr. Black 

Mrs. K. [Collecting herself with a slight effort.] You 
look ever so much like a toiler yourself, Nina! 

Nina. Why, I am one. I've been up since seven 
o'clock this morning, riding all over the place. [Sits 
on well-curb c. pulling off gloves.] Perfectly heavenly 
day! 

Hughes. [Collecting himself, but much more confused 
than Mrs. K.] Is it.? I mean, isnt it! Beautiful! 
Believe FU go for a stroll myself. [Goes u. c. striding 
rapidly.] 

Black. [At top of steps, l. Naive surprise.] Are you 
in a hurry, Mr. Hughes? Hadn't you better take a 
boss? 

Hughes. [Going. Losing temper.] Oh, confound it, 
no! [Recollecting himself.] That is, thanks you know, 
but I'd rather not — I — er — I — [Exit c. abruptly.] 

[Black looks after him. Wheels slowly to look again 
at Nina.] 

Nina. [Same attitude. Carelessly, not turning her 
head.] Bye-bye, see you at luncheon, I suppose. Oh, 
the poor neglected flowers! [Begins to gather them up 
and arrange them, clipping off leaves, etc. Hums opening 



CIVILIZATION 107 

bars of Flozver-Song from Faust.] Tra, la, la, la-la-la! 
tra-la, tra-la! 

Mrs. K. [Crossing r. d.] I — I really ought to go 
and write some letters — [Exit R. d.] 

Nina. [Indifferent, not turning her head.] Ah ? [Same 
business humming.] Tra, la, la, la — [Selects flower and 
holds it off, regarding it critically, head on one side.] 
Tra-la, tra-la! 

Black. [Reluctantly, eyes on her.] Well, I guess I'd 
better be getting along, too. 

Nina. [Complete change of manner; quickly and anx- 
iously.] Oh, don't! That is, wait a minute — Tve just 
picked out this flower for you — [Jumps down and goes 
towards him.] — You don't have to go now, do you .? 

Black. [Incoherent.] No — yes — I hadn't ought — 
[Voice dies in his throat as she goes up to him, and begins 
to adjust flower.] 

Nina. [Patting the flower into place.] There! That's 
for giving me such a beautiful time this morning. [Same 
business.] We do have such good times — [Looks up, 
meets his eyes, steps back abruptly; with an effort, at- 
tempting natural manner.] — don't we, Mr. Black.? I 
enjoy riding so much. [Sits on well-curb as before, 
mechanically handling flowers.] 

Black. [Makes a movement towards her which he im- 
mediately controls, clenching his fists. Recovering with 
an effort, stands L. u. c. folded arms, looking at her.] I 
guess it's some different from any riding you've ever 
done back East. 

Nina. It is different. It's ten thousand times better. 
At home everything Hke that seems to be just play — 
just a kind of sham sport — but here it's the real thing 
somehow, you see — ? [Pauses, eyeing him expectantly.] 



io8 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Black. [Considers.] Well, it's sure-enough business 
with us. Without you ride you can't get nowhere. 

Nina. [Eagerly.] That's just it — it's so natural^ 
somehow. And do you know it seems to me as if that — 
[Hesitates.] — that same thing — that same spirit runs 
through everything here. It's all so — so — [Makes a 
gesture.] — so real and simple and everybody himself. 
You're yourself, you know — [Halts, confused. Their 
eyes meet. Nina turns away quickly; same business with 
flowers; she laughs nervously.] And I'm sure I'm more 
myself than I've ever been before in my life. 

Black. [Moving nearer.] Do you like it? 

Nina. [Nervous.] Like what? 

Black. That what you was talking about — the 
way things is here ? 

Nina. [Looking down, aimlessly shifting flowers about. 
Low voice.] You know I like it. 

Black. [At her side.] I expect you'd get tired of it 
after a Httle. 

Nina. [Glances at him, looks away hurriedly.] No. 
No, I wouldn't. What makes you think that ? 

Black. You ain't been brought up to — [Stops. 
Hesitates.] — to living like I do — like we do — real 
living on a real ranch. [Tenderly.] I don't know how 
you'd make out, you're so little and — and soft-like. 

Nina. Oh no, I'm not — I'm nothing wonderful. 
I'd get along just like everybody else — [Suddenly 
jumps down from well-curb with a rather panic-struck air. 
Moves off from him, looking away.] 

[Slight pause.] 

Black. [Standing still, in same position, steadily.] 
You don't need to get away from me like that. 

[Nina starts and turns towards him.] 



CIVILIZATION 109 

Black. I wouldn't lay a finger on you without you 
chose. I don't know how the men you been used to do, 
but I think too much of you — [StopSy as she makes an 

involuntary movement towards him.] 

[Enter B elding, coming up steps leisurely fashion, 
unseen by either of them. He pauses at top of steps, and 
deliberately surveys them.] 

Nina. [A little wildly, holding out both hands to Black.] 
Oh, you are so — I can't help — ! [Sobs. Covers her 
face with her hands, drooping towards his shoulder. 
Black makes a movement to take her in his arms.] 

Beld. [Kicking the top step violently. Loud, vexed 
voice.] Confound it! 

[Nina and Black start apart, turning towards rear of 
stage, see B elding.] 

Beld. [Bends down, examining shoe, straightens up, 
affects to see them for the first time. Loud and jolly.] 
Hello, there! [Comes down c] 

[Black l. c. startled and silent.] 

Nina. [r. c. With forced carelessness.] Hello, Jimmie! 

Beld. Nice ride.? 

Nina. [Same business.] Oh, lovely! 

Beld. [Throws down hat, sits R. c. d.] Did you know 
Billy Simcoe's here, Nina? 

Nina. [Surprised.] No! Here? Here at the house, 
you mean.? When did he come.? Is he going to stay 
any time .? How — .? 

Beld. [Gesture. Interrupting.] Hold up! I can't 
answer fourteen questions at once. As a matter of 
fact, I can't even answer one. I don't know anything 
about it except what Hughes told me. I ran into 
Arch just now wandering about by himself for once, 
and — 



no THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Nina [Interrupting.] Oh, I know — 

[Beld. without speaking, looks at her in sudden in- 
quiry.] 

Nina. [Explanatory.] He and Marion were having 
an awful fight, and we came in on them right in the 
middle of it! 

Beld. [A little taken aback , glancing at Black.] Oh, 
come now — 

Nina. [Assuringly.] Oh yes, Jimmie, 'anybody would 
have known. 

Beld. Well anyhow — [Hesitates an instant, evi- 
dently anxious to change the subject.] — to get back to 
Billy, it seems he telephoned Janie while I was out. 
He's over at the Hendersons' — 

Nina. [Slight change of expression and voice.] Oh, 
the Hendersons! 

Beld. He's coming over to lunch with us. 

Nina. Lunch? I'll have to go and change. My 
hair's all coming down anyway. [Moves nonchalantly 
R. D. At arcade turns, looks at Black. A pause while 
they look at each other. Beld. d. c. after a lightning glance 
at them, stares straight ahead of him, business of lighting 
cigarette.] 

Nina. [Puts up her hand to her throat; in an unnatural 
fluttering voice.] Good — good-morning, Mr. Black. 
[Pauses, tries vainly to steady herself.] Thank you so 
much for — for my ride, you know — [Exit lingeringly 
R. D.] 

[Pause.] 

Black. [Comes d. c. Gravely.] I want to speak to 
you about something, Mr. Belding. 

[Enter l. u. Polly, walking slowly with a plate on 
which is a grape-fruit cut in halves. She pauses, leaving 



CIVILIZATION III 

door open, business of digging out a hite with a spoon and 
tasting it.] 

Beld. [Head turned away from Black, makes a 
grimace, draws his breath with the effect of bracing him- 
self. Resigned.] All right, Black. Go ahead. What is 
it.? 

Black. [Shy but straightforward.] It's — it's about 
myself and — and Miss King — 

Polly, [l. u. turning to call through open door.] Never 
mind the sugar, Pon! It's as nice as can be without. 
[Door closes.] 

[Both men turn. Beld. rises.] 

Polly [Sees them, nods with mouth full; comes d. c. 
Swallows.] Grand grape-fruit! [Takes mouthful. Swal- 
lows.] Melts in your mouth. [Takes mouthful. Speaks 
through it, gesture with spoon.] Chair, please? Hands 
full. [Stands d. c. between them, plate in one hand, spoon 
in the other, mouth full.] 

[Beld. places chair for her.] 

Polly. [Sits, same business.] Thanks! 

Beld. [To Black, over her head.] Er — another time, 
Black — any time — 

Polly. [Looks up. Eating, same business.] Busy.? 
In the way ? [Makes motion to rise.] 

Beld. [Stopping her with a gesture.] No, no! That's 
all right. 

Black. [To Beld.] When can I see you then.? 

Beld. [Flustered.] Why — I don't know — an hour 
or so — I'll be right here — er — ah — 

[Black looks at him. Exit c] 

Beld. [Deep breath.] Whew! [Drops down in chair 

R. C. D.] 

Polly. [Eating.] Hot.? 



112 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Beld. No. [Rubs back of head. Rubs chin, frowning.] 

Polly. [Eating.] Why, what's the matter, then.? 

Beld. [Same business.] Nothing — that is — oh, 
nothing ! 

Polly. [Eating.] I hope there isn't going to be any 
what-you-may-call-'em on these heavenly grape-fruit. 
BHght or scales, you know — ? 

Beld. Hey? Oh no, the fruit's in good shape. [Rises, 
walks about R. D. hands in pockets, considering.] 

Polly. [Finishes grape-fruit, sets plate on smoking- 
table, holds her hands in front of her, fingers spread apart, 
wipes them on handkerchief.] It would be a perfect 
shame if they got spoiled. I haven't tasted any that 
were so good since we all took that West Indies trip 
last winter, don't you remember.? 

Beld. [Absently.] Hey? Oh yes, that time in 
Havana, you mean. [Sits r. c. d. still preoccupied.] 

Polly. [Reminiscently.] That was the nicest party — 
everybody so congenial. I thought Havana was lots 
of fun, didn't you ? [Pauses. Sudden laugh.] Will you 
ever forget that purser? 

Beld. [Vaguely.] The purser? On our steamer, you 
mean ? 

Polly. Yes. Don't you remember what a perfectly 
stunning creature he was in his uniform on board ship ? 
I was crazy about him. 

Beld. [Rouses himself, makes a civil effort to listen.] 
Yes, we all began to think about cabling to your father. 
It looked as if something might happen. 

Polly. Well, you know I really was desperately 
taken with him, but the minute I saw him in his shore- 
going clothes — ! [Makes a gesture, head turned away.] 
It was all off! 



CIVILIZATION 113 

Beld. [Beginning to be interested.] Really? 

Polly. Isn't it funny what a difference clothes make? 
In his uniform that purser was simply a young Greek 
god. And dressed like anybody else he looked like a 
plumber's apprentice on Sunday! Of course, he must 
have had on a cheap, ready-made suit — 

Beld. [Rises suddenly.] By George! 

Polly. [Continuing without noticing him.] All of you 
men nearly died over his tie — one of those four-in- 
hands that come all fixed, with a chp behind the bow, 
so you can stick them onto your collar-button — 

Beld. [Interrupting. Laughs.] Yes, that's so! I'd 
forgotten all about him. 

Polly. [Laughs.] Wasn't he a sight? 

Beld. It cured you, hey? 

Polly. [Laughs.] It did! I had a serious case, too — 

[Bell rings distantly.] 

Beld. [With curiosity.] There must have been some- 
thing about him besides clothes, though, that disil- 
lusioned you. 

Polly. [Shakes head, smiling.] No. I just all at 
once came to my senses, and realized he wasn't our 
kind. I know that any girl in our set would have felt 
just as I did. 

Beld. [With interest.] You think so? 

Polly. Oh, I know so! I remember thinking: "Sup- 
pose he eats with his knife!" He looked as if he did, 
you know. Wasn't it tragic? 

[Both burst out laughing.] . 

[Enter l. u. Simcoe, in motor-coat, cap, goggles, etc., 
ushered in by PoN. He stands a moment, pushing up 
goggles, looking around. Loud, cheerful voice.] What's 
the joke? 



114 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Beld. and Polly turn around with a start. See him 
standing grinning at them. Both speak at once.] 

Polly. Mr. Simcoe! 1 [Go up. Business of 

Beld. Why, here's Billy! J hearty greetings.] 

[All up-stage c. gradually coming down as they talk. 
PoN helping Simcoe take off gloves, coat, etc. Rapid fire 
of questions from Beld. and Polly, Simcoe answering 
both.] 

Beld. Anybody with you — ? 

Polly. Just got here — ? 

Sim. [To Beld.] No, drove myself over in Hender- 
son's car. [To Polly.] By the Santa Fe this morning. 
[To Beld.] Vance told me how to get here. [Business 
of looking himself over.] I seem to have a good deal of 
California sticking to me. You've got some dust in 
IVIiraflores County. 

Beld. It never rains this time of year. We didn't 
know you were coming — 

Sim. [Interrupting.] Why, I'm not taking you by 
surprise, am I .? I talked to Mrs. Belding — 

Beld. [Interrupting.] Oh, that's all right. Only 
Janie doesn't know you're here yet. [To Pon as the 
latter is moving off with Simcoe' s motor-coat, etc.] You 
go and tell Mrs. Belding and Miss King that this 
gentleman has got here, will you, and then I want 
you to — [Goes up R. with Pon, business of giving him 
directions.] 

Sim. [l. c. d. to Polly, gesticulating with thumb over 
his shoulder towards Pon.] Great old heathen, isn't he.? 
He's the finest piece of scenery I've come to, so far. 
[Stands D. c. back to audience, looking around.] But I 
say, isn't this a corking place.? Beats the Henderson's 
bungalow hands down! 



CIVIUZATION 115 

Polly, [l. d. leaning on chair-hack.] Why, what's 
theirs like? 

Sim. [Surprised.] Haven't you seen it? [Sudden 
comprehension.] Oh! Er — why, it's just an ordinary 
house, you know — er — ah — 

[Very slight pause.] 

Polly. [Precipitately.] Everybody well at home? 

Sim. Yes, when I left — 

[Business of talking together.] 

PoN [Going R. u.] Allli'! [Exit.] 

Beld. [Coming down R. c] The rest of them will be 
here directly — the ladies, that is — I don't know where 
Arch has gone. Smoke? 

[Business with cigars. Beld. lounges in chair c. 
Sim. lounges in chaise-longue R. Polly at table l.] 

Sim. Arch ? Arch Hughes ? Is he here ? 

Polly. [Significantly.] Why not? Isn't Marion 
Kebler here ? 

Sim. [Laugh.] Sure enough ! How soon is it to be ? 

Beld. How soon is what to be? 

Polly [To Beld.] The wedding, of course. Such a 
slowness! [To Sim.] Oh, no hurry! 

Sim. [Suddenly sitting upright.] Hey? 

Beld. [Suddenly sitting upright.] What? 

Polly. [To Beld.] You don't mean to say you 
haven't seen it? Double-tut! Such a slowness! [To 
Sim.] They're quarreling like cats and dogs now! 

Beld. Humph! [Sits thoughtful, smoking.] 

Sim. [Interested, amused, rather incredulous.] Oh, 
come! 

Polly. Fact! Ask Janie. We had to fake up an 
excuse this morning and run away, they were getting so 
spicy. We didn't want to stay there and see it — 



Ii6 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Enter Janie r. d.] 

Janie. Well, Billy, welcome to our midst! 

Sim. Here's herself! 

[Business of shaking hands cordially. Everybody rises, 
chairs scraping, some confusion. Enter PoN L. u. with 
tray of glasses, siphon, whiskey, ice, etc. Comes D. c] 

Sim. [To Janie, shaking hands.] You're 
looking fine! 

Beld. [Seeing Pon.] That's right. Set it 
down anywhere — here, this'll do. [Pushes All this 
things on smoking-tahle to one side. To Sim.] I almost at 
High-ball, Billy.? ' once. 

Janie. [Interrupting.] No, the other 
table, there's more room — 

Polly. Wait, I'll move — 

Sim. [To Beld.] Thanks, I will. 

[Exit Pon. Business with high-halls, men drinking, 
both ladies refusing, while talk goes on. Everybody 
seated.] 

Sim. [Glass in one hand, cigar in the other, looking 
around, jolly.] This is the Hfe, hey? Here's how! 
[Drinks. To Janie.] I like your celestial butler. [7*0 
Beld.] Is everybody on the place Chinese.? 

Beld. No, all kinds. [To Janie.] That reminds me, 
I want you to ask Black to come to lunch to-day. 

Janie. [Astounded.] Mr. Black? Ask him to lunch? 

Beld. [Authoritative.] Yes, don't forget. He'll be 
here to see me in a little, and you can ask him 
then. 

Janie. [Same business, protesting.] But, Jim — [Halts, 
glances at the others. Hurriedly, trying to appear indif- 
ferent.] Oh, very well! 

Sim. Who's Mr. Black, if it's a fair question.? 



CIVILIZATION 117 

Beld. He's my superintendent. 

Sim. Oh. 

Janie. [Quickly, over-emphatic] The nicest fellow, 
and so good-looking — 

Polly. Buffalo Bill style. You ought to see him 
ride! 

Sim. [Not interested.] Um-hum! [Finishes drink. 
Change of manner.] Well, that is a jolt about Archie 
Hughes and Mrs. Kebler. And after all the talk, too! 
He was crazy about her. 

Janie. That was before, though — 

Sim. Eh ? Oh, before she got the divorce. 

Janie. Afterwards it's different. 

Sim. [Nods.] Sure. [Reflects, smoking.] Well, after 
all, Arch doesn't have to marry her. 

Beld. [A little troubled.] No, but — 

Polly. [Recklessly.] Vance Henderson did! 

Beld. [Shakes head.] Yes, but everybody isn't as 
square as Vance. 

[A pause.] 

Janie. I always liked Laura, too. 

Polly. So did I. 

Sim. [Tentatively, glancing from one to another.] I 
suppose you don't see anything of them? 

[A pause.] 

Sim. Well, that's pretty rough, but of course — 

[A pause.] 

Sim. They're both good sports, though, I daresay 
they can stand it. [Reminiscently.] George, how well 
she used to play auction! 

Beld. Vance is a corker, too. 

Janie. [Slight sigh.] Yes, I miss Laura that way. 
Marion Kebler doesn't know the first thing about the 



Ii8 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

game, and she will play — [Breaks off suddenly, looking 
o/R.] 

Sim. Eh? [Turns to follow her gaze. Gets up.] Oh, 
Mrs. Kebler! 

[Enter Mrs. K. r. d. With effusion.] Why, Mr. 
Simcoe! I just heard that you'd arrived. So glad! 
[Business of greetings.] 

Mrs. K. [Affected carelessness, looking around.] Why, 
Mr. Hughes isn't here! [To Beld.] I don't believe he 
can know that Billy's come. 

Beld. [Real carelessness.] Oh, he'll turn up presently. 
[Goes u. c] 

Mrs. K. [To Janie.] Don't you think you ought to 
send somebody to tell him ? 

[Polly and Sim. exchange a significant grimace behind 
her back.] 

Janie. [A little impatient.] Oh, I'm not going fussing 
after him that way. Men hate that. [Goes u. c. joining 
Belding.] 

[Polly and Sim. exchange another grimace. Mrs. K. 
turning abruptly, catches them. An instant of silence 
while she stands looking at them.] 

[Enter Black l. u. Business of speaking to Beld. 
Janie business of speaking to Black.] 

[Polly l. d. c. Mrs. K. d. c. Sim. r. d. c] 

Sim. [Disconcerted.] Oh — er — ah — I would like 
to see Arch. 

Polly. [Same.] Ah — ahem — [Coughs] — I wonder 
where Mr. Hughes can be! 

Beld. [Calls.] Oh, Sim.! [Comes d. c. with Janie 
and Black. To Sim.] This is Mr. Black that I was 
telling you about. 

[Business of introductions. Men shake hands.] 



CIVILIZATION 119 

Janie. [Addressing everybody.] Let's take Billy 
around and show him the grounds. There'll be time 
before luncheon. 

Polly. [Pointedly.] Maybe we'll run into Mr. 
Hughes, too. 

Beld. Well, I have a little business here with Black — 

Sim. All right, we'll excuse you, Jimmie. [Goes u. c. 
with Polly and Mrs. K. Business of standing in talk 
at head of steps.] 

Janie. [d. c. wzVA Beld. Calls.] The Japanese garden 
first, Marion, I'll catch up. 

[Exeunt Mrs. K., Polly and Sim. slowly by steps, 
talking.] 

[Black l. d.] 

Janie. [To Beld. Low voice.] I can't understand 
what you mean to do — 

Beld. Never mind. I'm trying something. [Loud.] 
Good-bye, tell 'em I'll be there in a little while. 

Janie. [Troubled.] I'd like to know — [Abruptly, 
changing voice and expression as she notices Black's 
proximity.] Luncheon at half-past one, did I tell you, 
Mr. Black? Dont forget! [Going c] So pleased you 
can come! [Exit.] 

Beld. [d. c. Pleasantly.] Well, Black.? Er — sit 
down, won't you.? Have something? [Business with 
tray of ice, whiskey, etc.] 

Black. Thank ye, I don't guess I want any, Mr. 
Belding. [Stands d. l. c] 

Beld. [Same business. Civil.] No? Maybe you — ? 
[Offers cigar.] No? [Business of lighting his own.] 
Well, now — ? [Sits R.] 

Black. [Straightforward.] What I wanted to talk 
to you about was something I don't think I'd ought to 



I20 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

keep from you any longer — even if I could. It's about 
the young lady, your sister — leastways your wife's 
sister — it's about her and myself. [Pauses.] 

[Beld. [Civil, undisturbed, knocking ash from his 
cigar.] Yes ? 

Black. [With effort, hut firmly.] I love her. 

[Silence.] 

Black. I love her and I — I want to marry her, 
Mr. Belding. 

Beld. [Collectedly.] Well, what does she say about 
it? 

Black. I haven't told her. 

Beld. [Good-natured incredulity.] Haven't, eh.? 

Black. [Moves a step nearer, looks straight at him, 
without raising his voice hut 7nore slowly and distinctly.] 
I said I hadn't told her. 

[They eye each other for a moment.] 

Beld. [Looks away. Slight confusion.] Er — well, 
you know most men do — most men would have. It 
wouldn't have been any particular harm if you had 
told her. I — I didn't mean — [Halts, business with 
his cigar evidently to cover up embarrassment.] 

Black. [After a moment, while he waits for Belding 
to finish.] I ain't saying she don't know, because I 
reckon I've showed it — a man can't always help that. 
And girls most generally know — 

Beld. [Sympathetic] Oh yes. I understand. 

Black. But I thought I ought to talk to you first, 
seeing you're kind of like a gardeen to her while she's 
here in your house. If she'd had ary father or brother, 
I'd have gone to him. 

Beld. [Frank curiosity.] Well now, why.'' 

Black. Because of the kind of man I am, and the 



CIVILIZATION 121 

kind of girl she is. 'T wouldn't have been right. I 
know I ain't fitten for her — 

Beld. [Interrupting, civil, deprecating.] Why, Black, 
I — I wouldn't — you — ah — 

Black. [Simply.] There ain't any man's fitten for a 
real good woman. 

Beld. [Embarrassed.] Perhaps not, but — 

Black. I don't claim to be better than the run, but 
I ain't any worse. I'll tell you or any of her men-folks, 
if she's got any that has a right to know, all about my- 
self— 

Beld. [Hastily.] No, no, that's all right — I know 
you're all right — 

Black. But it ain't that what I was aiming to say — 
that ain't all of it. If she was to marry me, I couldn't 
give her nor do for her like she's been brung up to. I — 
I could only love her and work for her. 

[Pause. Beld. puts down his cigar, sits looking away 
from Black, picks up one of the tumblers left on the 
smoking-table, and turns it around mechanically.] 

Black. I ain't like the men she's always known — 

Beld. [Same business.] No, you aren't! 

Black. I ain't had much of an education. I expect 
I don't talk good grammar sometimes. I act rough, 
and I look rough. [Glances down over himself.] That's 
what I mean when I say that let alone everything else, 
I ain't fitten for her — [Breaks off as Beld. makes an 
inarticulate sound.] Sir.? 

Beld. Nothing. [Rises abruptly, takes a step or two 
away.] I didn't say anything. 

Black. So when I'd set and thought about it, I seen 
the thing for me W do was to come and tell you and — 
[Stops. With an effort,] — and if you say so, Mr. Beld- 



122 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

ing, ril clear out. I won't speak to her nor see her 
again. 

[A pause. Beld. stands by smoking-tabley playing with 
tumbler again.] 

Beld. Why, I — I don't see any reason why you 
should do that, Black. Go away, I mean. I think 
myself you're all right. If you want to ask her to marry 
you, I haven't any objection — 

[Black makes a movement.] 

Beld. Eh? [Glances at him, looks away instantly, and 
continues hurriedly.] Those things that you think are 
so much against you don't really count. [Pauses. With 
savage conviction.] They oughtnt to count anyway, 
damn it! [Recollecting himself immediately.] I take it 
Nina's given you some reason to think — some en- 
couragement, that is .? So, if you — 

[A pause. Their eyes meet. Black impulsively puts 
out his hand. Beld., after an infinitesimal hesitation, 
takes it.] 

Black. [Huskily and brokenly.] Mr. Belding, you — 
I — you're treating me mighty white. I wouldn't have 
blamed you none if you'd got mad, and cussed me out. 
I can't help loving her, and she — she acts like she likes 
me a little, and so — but I didn't want to take no un- 
fair advantage — 

Beld. [During above stands with hands in pockets, 
looking down, restlessly moving one foot. Interrupts, sud- 
denly turning towards Black. Loud geniality.] Maybe 
you'll take a drink now, hey? [Business of mixing 
one.] 

Black. [Hardly heeding him. Excited.] Hey? 
Thankye. [Takes tumbler mechanically.] How soon 
do you guess I can see her? 



CIVILIZATION 123 

Beld. Why, you're coming to luncheon. [Looks at 
watch.] It's only half an hour or so. 

Black. [Disappointed.] Yes, but I won't get no 
chanst to speak to her with all them people round. 

Beld. [Same manner.] Never you mind, old chap, 
I'll fix it up so you can get her by herself a minute. 
[Claps him on shoulder.] Here's luck! [Drinks.] 

Black. Hey.? Oh! [Discovers tumbler in his own 
hand.] Well, I'll be damned! I didn't know I had this! 
[Laughs excitedly; drinks; wipes mouth on shirtsleeve; 
looks at Beld.; laughs again.] I expect I'm acting kind 
of loco, but you know how it is. Half an hour! I'd 
ought to go and wash up. [Looks himself over.] 

Beld. [Looks himself over.] I ought to, too. [Con- 
fidentially.] Say, Black, you don't mind my telling 
you something — .? 

Black. Hey.? 

Beld. While you're about it, I'd change my clothes 
if I were in your place. You've got some — er — some 
city clothes, haven't you.? 

Black. Sure. My Sunday suit. 

Beld. Of course what you've got on are all right for 
the ranch, but — well, there' re these strangers here — 
ladies, you know — [Confidential.] — you don't mind 
my mentioning it? 

Black. [Simply.] Why, I'm right down obliged to 
you, Mr. Belding. I don't know as I'd have thought of 
it myself. I've always allowed as long as you kept clean 
and decent, your clothes didn't make no diflPerence. 

Beld. [Hastily.] Certainly. Only — well, it doesn't 
hurt to dress once in a while like these fellows that 
come out here from the East. They think you don't 
know how to put on anything but spurs and a flannel 



124 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

shirt and a neck-handkerchief — seem to have an idea 
the country is only half civilized still. Oh, speaking 
of neck-handkerchiefs, haven't you got one of these 
ties that come all made up ready to put on? They're 
very nice and no trouble at all — 

Black. [More interested.] Yes, I got one of them at 
the Bon Ton store over to Miraflores the other day. I 
thought it would be kind of handy. 

[Voices heard off c. Both men glance in that direction, 
and begin to go u. l. talking as they go.] 

Beld. There's some stuff you can put on your hair 
to make it go this way. [Gesture with his fingers as of 
making a curl on his forehead.] You know? 

Black. Oh, you can do that with soap. I seen the 
boys do it often — 

[Voices heard off, nearer.] 

Beld. Yes. [Looks off c] They're all coming back, 
but you have plenty of time. [Accompanies Black 
towards door L. u.] Well, see you presently. 
[Exit Black l. u.] 

[Enter at the same moment Nina r. u. Enter at c. hy 
steps Janie, Polly, Mrs. K., Simcoe. Business of 
greetings between Nina and Simcoe, talk, laughter. 
Mrs. K., Nina, Polly, Simcoe all at r. u. business of 
introducing Simcoe to the parrot. Laughter, screams, 
confusion. '^Pretty Polly! — Polly want a cracker?" 
etc. During this, Janie detaches herself from group and 
comes D. c. with Beld.] 
Janie. [To Beld. anxious.] Well? 
[Burst of laughter from group around parrot. Janie 
and Beld. both business of turning at intervals to keep an 
eye and ear on the others.] 

Beld. [ro Janie.] Well what? 



CIVILIZATION 125 

Janie. Did your plan work ? 

Polly, [r. u. screaming.] Mercy, do be careful ! He 
bites sometimes! 

[Janie and Beld. same business.] 

Beld. [To Janie.] I don't know. I can't tell yet. 

Janie. [Expostulating,] But Jim! What did you 
do anyhow .f* Is he going to leave .? 

Sim. [r. u.] Fm going to try him with a cigarette. 
Polly want a cigarette .? 

[Janie and Beld. same business.] 

Beld. [To Janie.] No, no! That wouldn't do any 
good. Now see here, Janie, all we can do for the present 
is to keep still, and say nothing — 

[Burst of laughter from the others. Janie and Beld. 
same business.] 

Nina. [Comes d. c] That poor misguided bird is 
eating a cigarette! I do hope it won't make him sick. 
[Sits on arm of chair R. D. To Beld. with elaborate as- 
sumption of carelessness.] Wasn't that Mr. Black I saw 
with you just now? 

Beld. [Assumption of carelessness.] Yes. He's com- 
ing back directly for luncheon. 

Sim. [Comes d. c] Who's that? Pawnee Bill — 
Chief Horse's Neck, or whatever his name is ? I'd like 
to see him rope a broncho. Do you suppose he'd do it? 
For a consideration, of course? 

Nina. [Frigid.] No, I don't think he would. [Rises 
lazily, and turns her back on him.] 

Sim. [Surprised.] Eh? 

Janie. [Interposing quickly, exaggerated enthusiasm.] 
Oh, I say, all of you, there's time for a hand or two 
before luncheon. Let's see, how many of us are 
there ? 



126 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Movement. Business of everybody except Nina looking 
around to count heads.] 

Polly. Table and a half — 

Janie. [Interrupting.] I'll stay out — 

Beld. [Interrupting.] We'd better both of us stay 
out — 

Sim. [Interrupting.] Oh, don't do that! It would 
be too bad for you not to have any fun just because 
you're our hosts. Let's all cut — 

Mrs. K. [Interrupting.] Arch — I mean Mr. Hughes 
must be coming in soon — 

Polly. [Interrupting.] Then we'll be seven — that 
makes two tables with a dummy. Fine! [Goes l. d. 
to table and begins clearing it off, getting out cards, score- 
pads, pencils, etc.] 

Nina. [Cool.] I don't care about playing. 

Polly. [Same business.] Oh, double-tut, Nina! Come 
on! 

Nina. You can all take turns or cut in. That's 
what you've been doing all along. [Goes u. L. c. Sits 
on railing, looking off over landscape.] 

[A slight pause. All exchange meaning glances, except 
SiMCOE, who, at R. D. is lighting a cigar.] 

Sim. [Goes l. d. to table which Polly has been arrang- 
ing, draws up chair, sits, shuffling pack of cards, smoking. 
After a casual glance around, speaks, loud, reckless man- 
ner.] Well, if you don't mind my saying so, I know 
what Fd do — 

[General movement, everybody looking at him.] 

Sim. [Same business.] With two of the best 
bridge-players in the country not three miles 
off — 

[Movement.] 



CIVILIZATION 127 

Janie. [Exchanging glances with the other women.] 
Well, you know, Billy — [Pauses^ embarrassed.] 

Mrs. K. [Stiffly.] Of course it doesn't make any 
difference to a man, and you're visiting them any- 
how — 

Polly. [Interrupting, reckless.] Well, /V just as lief! 

Janie. [Startled.] Polly! 

Polly. [Same manner.] Why not? 

Beld. [Azvkward.] I don't suppose it really would 
be — .? [Pauses, looks questioningly at his wife.] 

Sim. I can take the car and go over and get Vance 
and Laura in ten minutes, Mrs. Belding. Now, be- 
tween ourselves — [Looks all around.] — what in thunder 
difference does it make? They both play well. It 
would be a lot more fun for everybody — 

Polly. [Interrupting.] And anyhow, Janie, what you 
do out here in California doesn't count. If they ever 
do come back East, you don't have to have anything 
to do with them just because of a few bridge-games 
here! 

Mrs. K. Yes, that's perfectly true, Janie. I've 
thought of that several times. 

[A pause.] 

Mrs. K. I've always been fond of poor Laura. 

Polly. [Enthusiastic] Oh, she's a dear! 

Sim. [Rises.] Well, how about it, Mrs. Belding? 

Janie. [Troubled.] You see — we haven't gone w^ar 
them once — and I feel — it seems as if somebody ought 
to go over with Billy, or it — it might look — you 
know? [Glances around.] I mean one of us — [To 
Mrs. K and Polly.] 

Mrs. K. Yes. Laura might refuse to come just to 
be nasty. It would be just like her. 



All this 
almost at 
the same 
time. 



128 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Beld. [Troubled.] Well, under the circumstances, 
maybe it would be natural if she — 

Polly. [Jumps up briskly.] All right! Til go! [To 
SiMCOE.] Let's! 

Sim. You're on! 

Polly. Wait till I get my automobile things — ! 
[Dashes u. c] 

[General movement.] 

Sim. [Follows Polly in more leisurely manner.] 
Where'd your man put my coat, Jim ? 

Beld. I'll have him here in a minute. [Goes l. d. 
touches bell-button.] 

Nina. [On balustrade, leaning over to look. 
Calls.] Here comes Mr. Hughes. 

[Enter PoN l. d. Business of receiving 
instructions from Beld. Exit.] 

Polly. [Halts u. c. as she sees Hughes coming up steps. 
To Hughes.] Hello, Billy's here! [Exit r. u. running.] 

[Enter Hughes, top of steps.] 

Hughes. [Answering Polly.] Just heard. Hello, 
Sim. ! How are you ? 

Sim. First-rate! Fo^'r^ looking fine, Arch. ! 

[Business of shaking hands. General movement. Enter 
PoN L. u. with Simcoe's coat, goggles, etc.] 

Hughes. This is the greatest place ever, Billy. 
Something doing every minute. Have you seen — 
[Interrupts himself as PoN advances, impassively holding 
out Simcoe's things.] Here, what's that for? [Protest- 
ing.] Oh, you're not going? 

Sim. [Business of getting into coat with Pon's help.] 
Just for a minute. 

Beld. We're asking the Hendersons over to luncheon, 
and Billy's going to get them. 



CIVILIZATION 129 

Hughes. [Astounded.] The Hendersons? [Casts an 
incredulous glance around. Recovers, assumes conven- 
tional manner.] Why, that's great! 

[Exit PoN. Enter Polly r. u. with motor-coat, etc.] 

Mrs. K. [To Hughes, warmly.] Isn't it, though? 
I do so want to see Laura! 

Janie. Now Mr. Simcoe's here, we'll have just two 
tables with Vance and Laura, you see. 

Hughes. [After a slight pause.] Yes, I see. [To 
Polly.] You going over, too .? 

Polly. [Cool.] Yes, indeed. I've been meaning to 
call on them for ever so long. 

[Sim. and Polly going u.] 

Hughes. [Sudden thought. Arrests her with a gesture 
and seizes Simcoe's arm\ Hold on a minute! [To 
Polly.] Just one second if you want to see the grandest 
spectacle of modern times! [Broad grin.] I was beat- 
ing it to the house as fast as I could so as to get you 
all ready for it — 

[General attention.] 

Hughes. [Impressive.] It's Black! 

[Pause. Everybody staring, puzzled.] 

Sim. What d'ye mean black? What's black? 

Hughes. Haven't you met him? Jim's fore- 
man? 

Sim. Oh, him! Yeah. What about him? 

Hughes. [Warning gesture, glancing over his shoulder.] 
Hush! He'll be here any minute. I met him just now 
starting for the house. Say, he's all gotten up! You 
wait! Bond Street and Fifth Avenue sit up and take 
notice! You just wait! [Makes a sweeping gesture down 
over his own figure.] Swellest ever! I'm going to ask 
him who his tailor is. He's got his hair down this way 



I30 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Makes gesture of arranging a ^'cow-lick" on his forehead.] 
I don't know how they make it stick — some kind of 
goo, I suppose — 

[Nina abruptly gets down from balustrade, stands look- 
ing off c] 

Beld. [Interrupting Hughes sharply.] Sh-h, Arch! 
He's coming. 

[Enter Black at step c] 

[Nina l. u. c. stands motionless, looking at him. 
SiMCOE, Hughes, Belding r. u. c. Janie r. c. farther 
down. Mrs. K., Polly l. c. d. A momentary silence. 
Beld. serious. Simcoe, Hughes grinning. Polly, 
Mrs. K. business of taking one look at Black, turning 
away with their backs to him and holding onto each other 
with stifled giggles.] 

Beld. [Glances towards Polly and Mrs. K. with a 
frown. Turns to Black with pleasant manner a trifle 
exaggerated.] Oh, here you are, Black! 

Black. [Not at all embarrassed. Simply.] Yes, sir. 
[To Janie.] I guess maybe I'm a little ahead of time, 
ma'am, but I know ladies don't like to have the meals 
setting round waiting. 

[Polly and Mrs. K. same business.] 

Janie. [A little disconcerted, casting a glance of annoy- 
ance at Polly and Mrs. K.] Yes — that is, no — I 
mean we're glad to have you any time, Mr. Black. 
You — you know everybody, of course — ? Mr. 
Simcoe — 

Sim. [Exaggerated heartiness.] Why, certainly! Don't 
you remember I met Mr. Black just a little while ago, 
when I came. [To Black.] We were just talking about 
you. 

[Outburst of giggles from Polly and Mrs. K. Nina 



CIVILIZATION 131 

has continued to stand motionless, looking at Black, now 
turns sharply and looks at the others.] 

Jane. [Crossing \..t>. Affected gay carelessness.] What 
are you two girls having so much fun over all to your- 
selves ? [Seizes an arm of each, and wheeling them around 
with hack to others, makes a warning grimace in their 
faces, giving each one a slight shake.] 

[Enter PoN L. u. with tray of cocktails.] 

Beld. [Going u. c] Well, I don't like to hurry you, 
Billy, but if you're going after the Hendersons — 

Sim. All right. [Calls.] Miss Maxwell, if you're 
ready — ? [Starting c] 

Hughes. Hold on, Billy, here's Pon with the drink- 
stuff. 

Polly. [Tying on veil, answers Simcoe excitedly.] One 
second! [To Janie.] Oh, fix this while I put on my 
gloves, will you? 

[General movement. Pon passing cocktails. Nobody 
pays any attention to Black who stands u. looking at 
Nina. Makes a step nearer her.] 

Nina. [Comes d. l. crossing in front of Black, but not 
looking at him. Speaks to PoN with gayety as he offers 
tray.] Give me one of those for Miss Maxwell, Pon, 
she's busy. [Takes glass from tray and runs D. to other 
women.] Here, Polly! 

Polly. [Burlesque fervor.] Nina, you're an angel! 
Just pour it down me while I get these things on! 

[Business of Nina holding the glass to Polly's lips, 
while Polly puts on gloves, Janie ties her veil, Mrs. K. 
buttons her coat. Screams of laughter.] 

Beld. [To Black.] Cocktail? 

Black. [Gazes after Nina.] No sir, thankye. [Runs 
finger around collar, moving neck uneasily.] 



132 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Hughes. [Agreeable.] That's a little tight, isn't it? 

Black. I ain't used to 'em much. I generally wear 
a handkerchief, you know. 

Hughes. [Same manner.] Yes, it must be more com- 
fortable. Who is your tailor, Mr. Black .? 

[Hughes, Black l. u. c. Beld. c. at top of steps. 
Sim. at c. a step down. Women D. R. Mrs. K. nudges 
Polly, both smothered giggles. Janie annoyed and 
anxious. Nina biting her lips.] 

Black. [Simple and unsuspicious.] Why, Mr. Hughes, 
I got this here suit at the Bon Ton. They ain't any 
tailors round here, you know. [Watches Nina wistfully.] 

Beld. [Crossly.] Confound it. Arch, you think as 
much about clothes as a woman! 

Polly. [Runs u. c] Ready whenever you are, Mr. 
Simcoe. 

Sim. All right! 

[Both going c] 

Nina. [Runs u. c. passing as before directly in front 
of Black but without looking at him. Calls.] Tell Laura 
lots of love, and I'd have been over to see her before, 
only — 

Janie [Same business as Nina; interrupting.] Nina 
and I kept waiting for each other, and we somehow 
never could make a date, tell her! 

Mrs. K. [Same business as others.] Tell her I just 
got here. I haven't had time to go anywhere yet — 

Polly. [Going. Cuts them short impatiently.] I know, 
I know! I'll say all those things — 

[Exit c. Polly and Sim. All stand a moment^ watching 
them. PoN goes about gathering up empty glasses, business 
of re-arranging bottles, siphon and fresh glasses, replenish-- 
ing ice, etc., on smo king-table. Exit L. D.] 



CIVILIZATION 133 

Mrs. K. [Turns away, coming d.] Well, we're all 
being as nice as we can to Laura and Vance, but you 
can't tell. Maybe they'll come and maybe they won't. 
[Sits R. D.] 

Hughes. [Turns away, coming D. Lights cigarette. 
Laughs.] Don't worry! They'll come! I never saw 
two people more solidly bored in my life! [Stands d. r. 
business of talking with Mrs. K.] 

Nina. [Turns away, coming D. Faces Black squarely. 
Looks at him coldly.] Oh, Mr. Black! [Continues, 
going D. L. sits at card-table with her back to him, takes up 
pack of cards, shuffling.] 

[Black stands u. looking after her. Looks all around. 
Janie at c. looks from Nina to Black, then at Beld. 
Beld. same business, turning towards Janie. Both ner- 
vously begin talking almost at once.] 

Janie. Going to play, Nina.? You've changed your 
mind } 

Beld. [To Black, flurried.] Er — ah — won't you 
come into the game ? You play, don't you .? 

Nina. [Shuffling cards. Cool, half turning towards 
Janie, but avoiding looking at Black.] Yes, I believe 
I will play, for once. 

Black. [Gives one more look around the stage and at 
Nina. To B elding, calmly, but with some effort.] No, 
I don't guess I can play this game, Mr. Belding. [Walks 
over to Beld. Business of talking together, moving towards 
steps. Exeunt at steps unnoticed by others.] 

Janie. [Sits l. d. by card-table, business of talking with 
Nina while they arrange cards. Nina spreads a pack 
on the tabled 

Janie. [Calls across to Hughes and Mrs. K.] All 
ready! Come and cut! 



134 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Hughes and Mrs. K. turn. Momentary surprise.] 

Hughes. [Looks around.] Where's Jim.? And your 
friend with the — [Makes gesture describing " cow-lick " 
on his forehead.] 

Mrs. K. [Rises promptly and crosses l.] Nina! Are 
you actually going to play.? 

Janie. [7*0 Hughes, glancing around indifferently.] 
Oh, they must have gone somewhere. They'll be back, 
of course. [Draws card.] Six of spades! [Shows it.] 

[Business of everybody drawing.] 

Hughes. Looks as if you'd got the deal, Miss King, 
and me for a partner into the bargain. [Sits opposite 
her. Laugh.] Did you ever see anything quite so hicky 
as Black? 

[All seated.] 

Nina. [Dealing.] Where did you get that word, Mr. 
Hughes.? It's lovely! Hicky just fits him. He reminds 
me of a beau our cook had once. 

Janie. Well, don't any of you laugh that way again, 
please. He might suspect something. 

[All business of gathering up and sorting hands.] 

Mrs. K. I daresay we all did behave badly, but I 
couldn't have helped laughing if I had been going to 
be decapitated for it the next minute. 

Nina. [To Hughes.] Can you let me have a cigarette ? 

Hughes. [Business of feeling in his pockets, and finding 
cigarette-case empty.] I'm just out. Wait a minute. 
[Rises, crosses R. d. takes up smoking-table and carries it 
bodily over to the card-table, disposing it conveniently. 
Here! Oh, joy! Pon's left us something to keep us from 
dying of thirst! [Business of lighting Nina's cigarette.] 

Nina. [Looks over hand. Smokes. Studies.] Two 
spades! 



CIVILIZATION 135 

Janie. [Looks over cards.] Mercy, / can't say any- 
thing. You ought to see this hand ! 

[All look at Hughes. Hughes studies cards in silence. 
Finally slaps fingers on edge of table in the gesture familiar 
to card-players when they ^' pass."] 

[Enter Beld. hy steps slowly^ preoccupied look.] 

Mrs. K. Are you by, Arch? [Studies cards.] What 
did you say, Nina? Two spades? [Fiddles with cards 
uncertainly.] Gracious, I don't know what to do! Two 
spades! What do you suppose that means? Nina's 
played so seldom I haven't an idea how she bids. 

[A pause. B elding up-stage, glances at them and 
seeing that they are occupied, walks up and down without 
coming any nearer.] 

Mrs. K. Well, I suppose you'll kill me when you see 
this hand, Janie, but I simply cant take it away from 
her — 

Hughes. [Impatient.] All right then, two spades 
gets it ? [Looks around. All silent.] Go ahead ! [Looks 
at Janie, and makes ready his own hand while waiting 
for her to lead.] It's my lay-down. 

[Janie leads. Hughes spreads his hand, rises. To 
Nina.] Some assistance, partner! 

Nina. [Eyes on cards.] Grand ! 

[Three women business of playing the hand.] 

Hughes. [Strolls v.] What's the matter, Jim? You 
look as if you'd robbed a henroost. 

Beld. [Walks to and fro, restless.] That's about the 
way I feel. 

Hughes. [Lounges l. u. to telescope.] Why? About 
the Hendersons? Oh, pshaw, bet you they'll be too 
glad they're asked to feel sore. [Adjusts telescope, looks 
through it, speaking as he does so.] Hello, there's some- 



136 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

body on the road now — [Business with telescope.] — 
going, though, not coming — [Same business.] — and 
on horseback, too, so it can*t be — [Ejaculation.] — Hi! 
It looks Hke Black! 

Beld. [Halting c] It is Black, I daresay. He asked 
me for his time just now. 

Hughes. [Turns from telescope.] Asked for his time? 

Beld. [Resumes restless pacing.] His pay, you know 
— that's what they all call it. He's going. For good, 
I mean. 

Hughes. [Indifferent.] Oh! That won't make you 
any trouble, I hope. You can get another superin- 
tendent? [Turns again to telescope.] 

Beld. [Sits on well-curh, gloomy expression.] Oh 
yes, I expect so. 

[Women at table business of finishing hand. Outburst 
of talk. Nina and Janie gathering up cards, Mrs. K. 
entering score.] 

[All speaking almost at once.] 

Nina. If you had led your knave of hearts through, 
Marion — 

Janie. That was what I was praying for — 

Mrs. K. But how was I to know she had the king — } 

Nina. Why, you could see it wasn't in dummy — ! 

Janie. Anyhow, put her in, you know, put her in — 
that was your play — ! 

Nina. [Interfering with the score.] We had four 
honors — ! 

Hughes. [Upstage, turns from telescope. Calls.] 
There's a motor coming! It looks like — [Turns back. 
Business with telescope. Shouts while still looking through 
it.] I say, Billy's got 'em! I can see 'em! They're 
coming ! 



CIVILIZATION 137 

[All three women slight movement. Speak at once hut 
without great enthusiasm, business of being too much oc- 
cupied with the game. Beld. shifts position, then stands 
c. by well.] 

Janie. Oh, are they? That's nice! It's my deal, 
isn't it? [Begins dealing.] 

Mrs. K. Oh, are they? We'll have to hurry up and 
finish this rubber. [Calls.] Come back, Mr. Hughes, 
you're a game in, already! 

Nina. Oh, are they? Won't that be fun? [Hands 
pack of cards to Mrs. K.] It's your make-up. 

Hughes. [Comes d. c. Pauses by Beld.] Told you so! 
I knew they'd come! [Continues D. Business of mixing 
himself a drink. Stands D. c. back to audience, glass in 
one hand, cigar in the other.] Tell you what it is, life 
out here is all right for a little while. We're having a 
bully time with you two, visiting. But live here — ! 
[Breaks off, shaking head. Drinks.] Not for mine! And 
honestly, Jim, when the season's over, won't you and 
Mrs. Jim be ready enough to get back to civilization ? 

Beld. Civilization! [Stares all around. Hughes 
D. c. with drink; women with cards, cigarettes, etc. Mrs. 
K. just pouring out a glass of whisky and soda. Sud- 
denly bursts into violent laughter.] Ha-ha! Oh ho-ho-ho! 
Ha-ha-ha! 

CURTAIN 



THE WEARIN' O' THE GREEN 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 

Characters in the Order in which they Appear 

MoLLiE [Mrs. Jack Dillon] 

NoRAH, a housemaid 

Jack Dillon 

Dan Holt, Mrs. Dillons brother 

Miss Kathleen Travers, a guest of the Dillons 

Ames, a detective 

Dick Wright, costumed as a ward boss 

Mazie [Mrs. Dick Wright) costumed as a 

nursemaid 
Miss Violet Sternberg, guest of the 

Wrights 

costumed as 



Harry Cooper, 

Patrick 
Elsie Cooper, " 

Nancy Cooper, " 

Joe King, " 

many Tiger 
Tom Lowell, costumed 
Ernest Carson " 

laborer 



as 



Saint 

a banshee 
a cook 
the Tam- 

a plumber 
a day- 



Among those 
present at 
Mr. and 
Mrs. Jack 
Dillon's in- 
formal cos- 
tume dance, 
evening of 
March ly. 



Michael Murphy, a professional plumber 
"Kid" Sampson, " " cracksman 

Mr. James Bryan 

Time: the present. 

Scene: the living-room of the Dillon residence, 2430 
Adams Road, North Hill. 

139 



I40 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

NOTE 

Any number of extra people may of course be intro- 
duced as guests, servants, etc., in any costume appro- 
priate to the occasion. The only important point is 
that, as even a farce must have a certain fantastic 
probability about it, the real plumber, the imitation 
plumber, and the burglar must be dressed alike, and 
resemble one another in height and size enough for the 
mistakes about their identity to be believable. 

[Living-room of the Dillon residence, evening of Saint 
Patrick's Day. Back c. double glass doors, opening 
on terrace, windows either side, hook-shelves between. 
R. u. wide archway opening into drawing-room, 
quantity of palms, potted plants, etc., arranged on 
both sides of it. R. D. large library table with chairs, 
reading-lamp, books, writing-set, etc. L. u. door 
opposite drawing-room door. Fireplace. Flanking 
fireplace at right angles, facing audience, big daven- 
port lounge with cushions, footstools, etc. Reading- 
lamp on small table at end of lounge. L. D. telephone- 
table and chair. Pictures, photographs, books, rugs, 
easy-chairs, lighted lamps, draperies at doors and 
windows, trifles, flowers, etc. As curtain rises, 
MoLLiE is discovered R. u. giving directions to man- 
of-all-work about arrangement of plants by drawing- 
room door.] 

MoLLiE. [In blouse and street-skirt, hair rather tum- 
bled.] A little farther over that way, please. I want 
the Victrola screened off so that it won't show . . . 
[Pause.] . . . That big palm . . . [Pause, looks on 
while he obeys her.] . . . You'll have to leave a space 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 141 

for whoever' s running it to stand. . . . [Same busi- 
ness.] . . . That'll do . . . [Same business.] Yes, 
that's all. [Dismisses him with a nod.] 

[Exit man R. Enter Norah l.] 

MoLLiE. [Comes slowly down R. drops into chair by 
table, with tired air. Yawns.] 0-oh! [Turns head and 
sees Norah. Languidly motions to her.] Oh, have you 
got something there for me to eat, Norah .? Well, bring 
it here, Fm too tired to move. Put it on the table, 
put it on the floor, put it anywhere. 

Norah. Yes, ma'am. [Comes down c. carrying large 
tray with covered dishes, tea-service, bottle of whiskey and 
siphon, bowl of cracked ice, etc. Arranges it on end of 
table nearest Mollie.] 

MoLLiE. What have you got there .f* Chicken? [Sits 
up with more interest.] Oh, I don't want that whiskey 
and seltzer, Norah. The idea of bringing me that 
stufF! 

Norah. [Strong Irish brogue.] Misther Dillon told 
me to, ma'am. He said you'd be needin' somethin' 
afther bein' on yer feet all da-ay long gettin' ready for 
the party. 

Mollie. Well, I don't need that. What I want is 
some hot tea. [Business of pouring tea, beginning to 
eat, etc.] Take it off the tray, Norah. It's only in the 
way. 

Norah. Yes, ma'am. [Removes whiskey, seltzer and 
ice from tray and arranges it all on the other end of the 
table. Business of serving the luncheon.] 

Mollie. [Eating.] Tell Katie these sandwiches are 
all right. She understand I want her to have every- 
thing ready to serve the supper at twelve o'clock — .? 

Norah. Yes, ma'am. 



142 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

MoLLiE. Tell her to be sure and have everything 
very hot — hot boiled potatoes, and hot tea, and hot 
whiskey-punch, and everything. 

NoRAH. Yes, ma'am. 

MoLLiE. [Eating. Meditative.] Well, I believe every- 
thing's ready, and I've thought of everything. [Sudden 
recollection.] Oh, Norah, did Mr. Dillon have any 
dinner .^ 

Norah. Oh yes, ma'am. Him and Mr. Holt both 
had theirs in the dining-room an hour ago. They're 
both all dthressed. 

MoLLiE. What? Already.? 

Norah. Yes, ma'am, and I'm to go up and hook 
Miss Travers at tin o'clock. 

MoLLiE. [Glances at clock on mantel.] Well, I suppose 
it's about time for me to go and get my costume on, too. 
[Turns away from table y sits meditative.] 

[Norah business of gathering up napkin, rearranging 
tray to carry away, etc.] 

MoLLiE. Oh, Norah, I wanted to ask you, do the 
girls ever wear their hair down their backs in the old 
country ? 

Norah. [Superior air.] Some does, ma'am, but it 
looks awful jay. 

MoLLiE. [Amused.] Well, in that case, I believe I'll 
put mine up as usual. I don't want to look jay. [Rises. 
Crosses L.] Mercy, I am tired! A hot bath will do me 
good . . . [Stops.] . . . Oh, Norah, did the plumber 
come? 

Norah. [Arranging tray still.] Not yet, ma'am. 

MoLLiE. Not yet? Why, he'll never get here now! 
Didn't he telephone, or say anything about coming 
to-morrow ? 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 143 

NoRAH. [Looking down. Conscious.] No, ma'am. 
I — I'm thinkin' he'll come to-night, ma'am. 

MoLLiE. [Astonished.] To-night.? 

NoRAH. [Same business. Fingers her apron.] Yes, 
ma'am. He promised to, ye know, ma'am. 

MoLLiE. He promised, I know, but — [Looks at 
NoRAH. Begins to he enlightened.] Do you know him, 
Norah.? 

NoRAH. [Glih.] Oh, sure, ma'am. 'Tis Mike Murphy, 
me own firrst cousin on the father's side that married a 
Flannery's nephew. 

[Slight pause.] 

MoLLiE. [Dryly.] Oh! It will certainly be very nice 
of him to come so late after hours. Only you'll have to 
tell him to be very quiet about his work because I can't 
have my guests disturbed by any plumbing noises. 

NoRAH. [Going L.] Oh, Mike'll kape himself quiet, 
ma'am. Mike'll give yez good satisfaction, ma'am, no 
fear. 

[Exit NoRAH zvith tray, leaving whiskey, etc., on table. 
Dillon's voice heard off R. singing.] 

Dill. [OffK.] "The harp that once, thro Tara's halls 
The soul of music shed — " 

MoLLiE. [Rises. Calls.] Hoo-hoo! Jack! Here I 
am! Come in here and let's see you. 

[Enter r. Dill, dressed as traditional stage Irishman, 
green tail-coat, striped waist-coat, knee-breeches, shoes 
with buckles, stock, frilled shirt, bell-crowned silk hat with 
a short pipe stuck in the band in front, shillelagh, etc.] 
[Comes D. c. singing.] 

"Now hangs as mute on Tara's walls, 
As tum-tee-tum, tra-la-a!" 



144 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Flourishes shillelagh, takes a jig-step or two, strikes 
attitude.] 

Dill. [Inquiringly.] Well? 

MoLLiE. [Enthusiastic] Jack, you look great! 

Dill. That's what I thought myself. [Surveys her.] 
I say, you're not going to wear that, are you? 

MoLLiE. This? Gracious, no! I haven't dressed yet, 
I've been too busy. [Sits l. on arm of lounge and beckons 
to him.] Come here a minute, and let me fix your cravat. 

[He crosses L. to her. Business of adjusting his cravat, 
etc.] 

MoLLiE. Oh, Jack, I'm the deadest thing alive! 

Dill. [Sympathetic] Why, you poor little tired 
Toots! Can't you go and — wash your head, or 
something? It's always relieved me to let the water 
run on my head when . . . [Stops abruptly.] . . . when 
I've been — er — tired out, you know. 

MoLLiE. [Amused.] I don't believe it would do me 
much good to wash my head just now. We're lucky to 
have any water running at all, though. But the plumb- 
er's coming, so it'll be all right. 

Dill. The plumber? [Looks at watch.] At ten o'clock 
at night? 

MoLLiE. [Gesttire.] Set your mind at rest! He'll get 
here! I've just discovered he's Norah's beau. 

Dill. Is that so? Did she tell you? 

MoLLiE. Of course not. That's how I know. 

Dill. Oh, that's how you know! But what makes 
you think he'll come to-night ? 

MoLLiE. [Impatient.] Oh, Jack, don't be a man! 

Dill. [Shrugs.] All right! [Crosses R.. to table, lays 
down hat and stick; business of lighting cigarette. Mollie 
L. curled up on lounge.] 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 145 

Dill. [Returning. Takes position on hearth-rug. Con- 
fidential, lowering voice.] Talking about heart-interest, 
how's Kathleen? 

MoLLiE. Cheerful as a hearse! Ever since I told 
her that we could not — simply could not ask Jim Bryan, 
she . . . [Shrugs, expressing helplessness.] 

Dill. [Smoking.] I'd have asked him. Td let him 
come here as much as he wants to. It's no business of 
ours who Kathleen marries. 

MoLLE. [Serious.] Oh, you can't do things like that. 
Jack. We're responsible for everything that goes on 
in our house. Her mother w^ould never forgive us. Mrs. 
Travers doesn't know anything about the Bryans, and 
she naturally thinks they must be terribly common be- 
cause Jim's father has that plumbers' supplies house, 
or whatever it is. It sounds common, you know. 

Dill. Bosh! Mrs. Travers is an old snob. Jim's a 
nice fellow; he was in my class at Yale. He's good 
enough for Kathleen Travers or anybody else, and so 
are his people. I know old Mr. Bryan, and he's a fine 
old Irish gentleman — 

MoLLiE. [Interrupting.] You're Irish yourself, that's 
one reason you're standing up for them. 

Dill. [Continuing.] I suppose Mrs. Travers is 
against the match because she thinks the Bryans aren't 
"zw society." [Mimicking sarcastically.] ''In society''/ 
Why, they're the salt of the earth, those people! 

MoLLiE. [Reasonably.] That's just it, Jack. Some- 
how or other, the salt of the earth never are in society! 

Dill. [Grunts.] Hungh! [Throws cigarette-butt in 
fire, crosses R. Business of helping himself to another.] 

MoLLiE. [Rising.] Well, anyhow, I wasn't going to 
gsk hiiii here deliberately. [Going h. Stops.] Oh, Daq! 



146 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Enter l. Holt in policeman's costume, helmet, star 
on breast, club, etc., sauntering, swinging club, whistling 
"Fair Harvard." Swaggers to u. c. strikes attitude, 
salutes, still whistling.] 

Dill. Hello, Danny! One of the finest, hey? 

MoLLiE. [Enthusiastic] Dan, you're perfectly stun- 
ningly handsome, that costume is so becoming! [Stands 
off and looks him over.] I don't believe anybody will 
recognize you. 

Holt. [Stops whistling abruptly.] Hey.? 

Dill. [Down r. Burst of laughter.] Ho-ho-ho! 
Ha-ha-ha! 

Holt. [Affecting to start. To Mollie.] Do you hear 
a noise, Mollie ? Something like a braying somewhere .? 

Mollie. [Innocently.] No. What are you laughing 
at. Jack.? 

Dill. Never mind, Dan. They'll recognize you the 
minute you begin that "Fair Harvard" rag. 

Holt. [Coming down l.] You're in error. That's 
not "Fair Harvard." That's your noble old Irish air, 
"Believeme, if— " 

Dill. [Interrupting.] Well, believe me, you'd better 
dig up something more Irish than that to whistle. 

Holt. As for instance.? 

Dill. As for instance. . . . [Seizes shillelagh, claps 
on hat, strikes attitude, singing at top of his lungs.] 
[Down R.] 

"Ooola-boola, oh, Oola-boola," etc. 

Holt. [Down l. Same business.] Oh, call that 
Irish, hey.? [Swings club, shouting.] 

"Fair Harvard," etc, 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 147 

MoLLiE. [At c. distractedly, fingers in ears.] Oh, boys, 
please — / 

[Dill, and Holt. l. and r. same business.] 

[Telephone rings.] 

MoLLiE. [Same business.] Do stop! You don't know 
what a racket you're making! 

[Dill, and Holt suddenly stop simultaneously, burst- 
ing into roars of laughter.] Oh, ho ho, ho! Ha-ha-ha! 

MoLLiE. [Resignedly.] Well, have you got through.? 
I thought I heard the telephone just now, but there 
was such a noise — 

[Telephone rings.] 

Holt. [Standing l. nearest to telephone, picks it up. 
Into telephone.] Hello, hello! . . . Yes, Dillon's resi- 
dence. . . . Yes, right here. [To Mollie.] Somebody 
for you, sis. Mrs. Wright, I think. [As he hands her the 
instrument.] Say, wait a minute, do you know what's 
been done with my flute ? 

Mollie. [Seats herself at telephone.] Oh, don't ask 
me where anything is, Dan. The whole house is topsy- 
turvy. [Into the telephone.] Yes ? This is Mrs. Dillon. 
. . . Yes . . . [Business of listening.] 

Dill. [Sits r. To Holt.] What do you want of 
your flute anyhow? I never heard of a policeman going 
around with a flute. 

Holt. [Places helmet and club on table r. Business of 
wandering around the room, searching.] No ? You don't 
realize. Jack, how limited your facilities for acquiring 
information are. [Pauses by Dill, and taps him on the 
side of the head, affecting to listen. Shakes head, sadly.] 
No use! All the wheels are still! Nothing works but 
his jaw. [Works it up and down, Dill, resisting.] Poor, 
poor fellow! Too bad! 



148 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dill. [Fighting him off.] Here now, don't start an- 
other rough-house while Mollie's trying to telephone! 
[They go u. c. Dillon takes newspaper from table and 
sits on lounge l. reading. Holt continues search for 
flute which he finally discovers on hook-shelves at hack. 
Comes down R. c. Sits, business of ifispecting flute, and 
occasionally trying a few notes.] 

MoLLiE. [During above. Into telephone.] Is that you, 
Mazie? . . . Oh, no I haven't been doing anything. 
It's so informal, there aren't any preparations needed. 
. . . Why yes, everything's to be as Irish as poss. . . . 
Why, it was Jack's idea, you know he's Irish. . . . 
What, didn't you.? . . . Why, yes, Dillon's an Irish 
name, you know, Irish as kraut! . . . Eh? . . . Well, 
I meant greens, of course. . . . Why, we aren't going 
to have any supper to speak of, just boiled potatoes, 
and lots of tea, and no silver or china at all, just kitchen 
forks and spoons and tin cups. . . . Me? Oh, I'm 
going to wear a peasant costume. I don't quite know 
how they dress, but I've got a short skirt — well, not's 
so very short, you know, only about to here. And low 
neck, of course — well, not too low, down to about 
here, you know. . . . Eh ? . . . Wait a minute, I didn't 
get that. . . . Jiggle the thingummy, Mazie, maybe 
it'll make your voice sound clearer. . . . Yes, now I 
can hear. . . . Who? Did you say you wanted to 
bring somebody? Why, oi course. . . . What was that 
name? . . . Miss Violet Sternberg. Did you say she 
was Irish? . . . Oh! . . . Why, of course, tell her it 
doesn't make a bit of difference about her not having 
any costume. . . . Yes, just any evening-dress. . . . 
No, no masks, the costumes will be disguise enough. . . . 
Eh? ... /j- he? oh, wait a minute, I'll have to tell 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 149 

Jack! [Turns from telephone.] Oh, Jack, Dan! Mazie 
Wright says she knows one of the men that's going to 
come as a whiskey-bottle ! 

Dill. [Reading. Grunts.] Humph! 

Holt. Full, you mean? [Blows into flute, trying to 
play the ^^ Last Rose of Summer.'^] 

MoLLiE [Into telephone.] They think that's great! 
. . . Eh.? . . . Who? ... As a plumber? Did you 
say Tom Lowell was coming as a plumber? . . . Well, 
I'm afraid I won't recognize anybody. . . . Eh? . . . 
Well, good-bye, see you in a little. . . . Yes, that's 
all right about Miss Sternberg, we'll be delighted. . . . 
Well, good-bye! . . . Yes. . . . No. . . . Well, good- 
b — . . . . Yes. . . . No. . . . Oh, oh yes, yes. . . . 
Well, good-bye! [Hangs up telephone. Rises.] 

Holt. [Mimicking.] Well, good-bye! 

MoLLiE. I suppose you'd have rung right off while 
she was talking! [Going l. Pauses at end of lounge, 
and turns. To Holt, mimicking in her turn.] Well, 
good-bye! 

Dill. [Suddenly.] Say, did you know our neighbor- 
hood was getting right into the limelight ? Listen to this ! 

[Holt breaks off " The Last Rose of Summer,'^ listen- 
ing. MoLLiE standing L. at end of lounge.] 

Dill. [Reads.] "Daring burglar makes good his es- 
cape with booty. Residents along Adams Road, the 
North Hill, are feeling a little uneasy since the looting 
of the George B. Mandell residence yesterday after- 
noon, while a reception was in progress — " 

MoLLiE. [Interrupting in a high voice.] Mercy, I was 
there! Isn't that awful? How much did he get? When 
did they find out? Are they on the man's track? Go 
on. Jack! What are you stopping for? 



I50 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dill. [Grins.] You! [Reads.] "The alleged burglar 
gained entrance by representing himself to be a car- 
penter sent for to make repairs in an upstairs closet. It 
is alleged that he looked and acted the part to perfec- 
tion and got away unsuspected, after having made a 
clean sweep of much valuable jewelry and silverware. 
Police allege that methods employed point to *Kid 
Sampson/ well-known criminal. Man still at large, 
but authorities express confidence that they will get 
him shortly." [Folds paper up.] 

[Silence.] 

Holt. [Puts flute down on table. Rises. Stands down 
R. hands in pockets.] Well, Vll "allege" right here and 
now that the police and the Mandells and all the rest of 
them are dead ones! To let any crook get away with 
as nervy a job as that! Why, the place was full 
of people! Some of them ought to have noticed 
him. 

Dill. I expect the crowd made it easier for him. 
Nobody knows what's going on in a crowd. 

[MoLLiE Starts and looks at him anxiously.] 

Holt. This town's a back-number anyhow. Why, 
in lots of other cities not half our size they have detec- 
tives around at all the big weddings and receptions and 
occasions like that. It's only common-sense. 

[MoLLiE abruptly with air of decision goes down l. to 
telephone. Picks it up and stands listening with resolute 
expression.] 

[Dill. u. l. Holt c. staring at her.] 

MoLLiE [Into telephone.] Hello, Exchange! Give 
me the Police Station, please! 

[Loud ejaculations from Dill, and Holt together.] 
Hey! 



THE PFEJRIN' 0* THE GREEN 151 

MoLLiE. [Turns head and speaks rapidly and ener- 
getically.] Hush, please! 

Dill. Here, what're you doing? 

MoLLiE. [Into telephone.] Yes, I said the nearest 
Police Station, please! [Turns head. Same business.] 
Please keep quiet, both of you, or I can't hear! [Lis ens. 
Speaks into telephone tartly.] No, there is no tro^uble 
here at all, no trouble of any kind, I merely want the 
Pol. . . . No, the house is not on fire, and Fm not at all 
excited, thank you! If you will kindly attend to your 
duties. ... I want the nearest Police Sta. . . . Oh, 
you want to know where I live.? Why, this is Adams 
Road, the North Hill, there ought to be a Police Station 
somewhere in our neighborhood, Fm sure we need 
one! . . . Oh, very well. . . . [Listens.] 

Dill. But, Mollie. . . ! 1 .^ , , 

Holt. I say, MoUie. . . l\ ^To^^'f^^r.] 

Mollie. [Same business.] Don't interrupt, please! 
I know very well what Fm — [Turns abruptly to tele- 
phone.] Hello! Oh, is this the Police Sta. . . . Well, 
is this the — the head man, you know.? The one that 
gives orders, I mean? . . . No, nothing's the matter, 
I only want you to send a detective out to my house 
for a party Fm giving this evening. There' ve been so 
many awful burglaries right here on our square that 
I. . . . Oh, why, this is Mr. Dillon speaking, Mr. John 
Dillon, 2430 Adams Road. I want a detective right 
away, a nice one, of course. . . . Eh ? . . . W^hy, it's 
just an evening party, we're going to dance, you know. 
I want him to be around in a quiet way among the 
guests, and see that nobody takes anything. . . . Eh? 

[Pantomime of mingled despair and amusement from 
Dillon and Holt.] 



152 ■ THREE SHORT PLAYS 

MoLLiE. [Into telephone, after a pause.] What kind of 
guests are we going to have? What kind? Why, it's 
very informal, just people we know very well. Every- 
body's in costume. . . . Fancy-dress, you know. . . . 
Eh? . . . Why, it will be all right about your man, 
he doesn't need to wear anything. . . . Eh? . . . 
[Severely.] Whoever that man is that is listening to 
this conversation and laughing, I will ask him to be 
so kind as to get off the line. I don't think it's at all 
nice to. . . . What was that? ... I said your man 
could come just as he was without anything on. . . . 
What was that? . . . Against the law? ... I can't 
understand, wait a minute! [To Dillon, who has 
made two or three inefectual attempts to speak to her 
during the above.] Well, Jack, what is it ? 

Dill. Tell him you want a plain-clothes man. 

Holt. And for Heaven's sake, tell him to keep it 
out of the papers! 

Mollie. [Into telephone.] Hello, are you there? . . . 
Why, I want a plain-clothes man, now do you under- 
stand? . . . Yes, right away. . . . Thank you, that's 
very kind. . . . Yes, I said right away, and please 
don't put us in the papers, will you? . . . Eh? . . . 
Oh! [Slams instrument down. To others.] What do 
you think he said? He said he wouldn't think of put- 
ting us in the papers, the place to put us was the Zoo! 
[Going u. L.] Did you ever hear of such impudence? 

[Dill, and Holt exchange glances behind her back.] 

MoLLiE. [u. L.] I only hope he'll send us a decent 
man, or it will spoil everything. 

Dill. Well, Mollie, you would do it, you know. 

Holt. It's not at all necessary for this little affair. 

Mollie. [At door l.] Oh, it's all very well for you 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 153 

to talk, but I'm not going to have my silver stolen. 
Fm going to have Norah hide the basket somewhere, 
and I'll lock up the pantry — [Looks off R. and suddenly 
runs back a few steps. Hurriedly, lowering her voice, 
hut with emphasis.] Jack! Dan! Kathleen's coming! 
Both of you act as if nothing was going on — about 
Jim Bryan I mean, you know — just don't pay any 
attention to her — ask her to dance or something, you 
know — [Nods at them significantly, and exit L.] 

[Dill, and Holt at c] 

Holt. [Blankly.] Nothing's going on! Don't pay 
any attention to Kathleen, and ask her to dance! [Rubs 
back of head thoughtfully.] Mollie seems to have got 
her signals mixed. And what was that about Bryan? 

Dill. S-sh! [Stage whisper, melodramatic, looking 
off K.] S-sh! There's a name that's never spoken, and 
a heart that's well-nigh broken. . . . [Same business.] 
. . . And a picture that's turned to the wall! [Same 
business.] 

Holt. Hey? [Taps him on the side of the head, and 
jerks hand away with an exclamation of affected pain.] 
Ouch ! [Examines hand with pretense of concern.] Wheels 
are going now! Nearly got me! [Shakes fingers, rubs 
them.] 

Dill. S-sh! [Grabs Holt's arm melodramatically, 
and leads him down L.] 

Holt. [Holding back.] Here, what're doing? 

Dill. Sh-sh! Kathleen'll be here in a minute, and 
then it's all off. [Whispers.] 

Holt. [Drawing away.] Quit! You're breathing 
in my ear! 

Dill. Well, but you see now how it is about Kath- 
leen. We've got to keep her mind off of Bryan — 



154 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Holt. [Interrupting.] I get you! We're the first 
and second conspirators, and our r61e is ignorance, 
simplicity and light-hearted mirth. All right! [Crosses 
R. and snatches up club, helmet, etc.; assumes swaggering 
pose down R. facing audience. Sings at top of lungs.] 

"Belave me if all those endearin' young charms — " 
[Out of one side of his mouth in stage whisper.] Is she 
coming. Jack.? 

Dill. [Down l. has similar business with hat, shil- 
lelagh, etc. Glances off R. Stage whisper.] Yes, she's 
right here! 

Holt. [Roaring.] 

"That I gaze on so fondly to-day, 
Teedle-rum-tee-tum-tum-tee, I forget the words, 
Tra-la-la-dee-di-do-dee-dum-da-da." 

Dill. [At the same time, roaring.] 

"The harp that once thro' Tara's halls 
The soul of music shed 
Now toodle-doo-ri-tra-la-la 
Tee-doodle-dum-dee-da-a-a ! " 

[Enter R. Kathleen in '^fairy'^ costume, white skirts, 
spangles, wand, etc. She comes slowly and nonchalantly 
to c. Idly picks up paper, and sits on arm of chair, glanc- 
ing over it.] 

Dill. [Business of turning his head quickly at intervals 
to watch her. Stops singing suddenly.] Oh! 

Holt. [Observing him, same business.] Hey.f* 

[Both revolve slowly and silently and stare at her. A 
pause, Kathleen at c. continues reading undisturbed. 
Holt down r. Dill, down l.] 



THE JVEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 155 

Dill. Oh, — ah — ahem ! [Coughs, ostentatiously.] 

Kath. [Raising her eyes with deliberation.] Oh, is 
that you. Jack? I didn't know anybody was here. 
[Resumes reading.] 

Holt. [Same business as Dill.] Huh — er — ahem ! 

Kath. [Same business.] Ah, Dan, are you there.? 
[Resumes reading.] 

[Holt and Dill, exchange grimace.] 

Dill. Why yes, I'm here and Dan's here and — and 
we're both here, in fact. I hope we weren't making 
much noise singing. 

Kath. [Reading, without raising her eyes.] Eh? 
Noise? I didn't hear anything. 

[Holt and Dill, exchange grimace.] 

Kath. [Reading. Absent-mindedly.] Go on, if you 
like, it won't disturb me in the least. 

Holt. Well — um — [Rubs back of head thoughtfully, 
crosses L. towards Dill.] 

Dill. Why — ah — [Same business as Holt, cross- 
ing R. They meet down c] 

Holt. [Nudges Dill, making a gesture with his head 
towards Y^KTYi. Low voice.] Well? Hey? 

Dill. [Low voice.] 'S all right! I'll show you how 
to manage 'em. [To Kath. Loud, hearty voice.] Kath- 
leen, that costume is about right. You're a front-row 
winner. Isn't she, Dan ? [Nudges him.] 

Holt. [With unctuous approval.] Some chicken! 

Kath. [Drops paper; sudden interest.] Oh, do you 
really think so? [Comes down c. Nervously adjusts hair, 
skirts, etc. Anxiously.] Do I look nice? Honestly? 
[Turns around in front of them.] 

[Holt and Dill, exchange winks over her head.] 

Dill. Sure! First-rate! 



IS6 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Holt. Never looked better in your life! 

[Enter Norah l. with covered basket which she carries 
as if it were heavy. Crosses back of stage and exit R. un- 
noticed by the others.] 

Kath. [To men, looking from one to the other.] Do 
you think a man would like me in this ? I — I mean, of 
course, the men? All the men? Do you think they'll 
think I look all right ? 

Holt. Can't help themselves! 

Dill. Well, you suit me! 

Kath. Oh, I am so glad! [Walks u. c] 

Dill. [To Holt triumphant.] Told you so! Maybe 
I don't know how to manage 'em ! 

Holt. [Dubious.] Yeah, but look at her now! 

[Kath. u. c. with paper, same business as before.] 

Dill. [Discomfited.] Humph! [Recovering, to Holt.] 
'S all right! I'll show you! [To Kath.] Oh — ah — 
Kathleen, don't you want to go over your dance once 
more before they all get here ? 

Kath. [Reading. Former manner, absent and cool.] 
Dance? My dance? Oh no, I think not. 

[Dill, and Holt exchange a glance. Holt grinning.] 

Holt. [Low voice.] Oh yes, you know how to manage 
'em! You're the greatest little manager ever! [Goes 
to table R. Business of lighting cigarette. Sits.] 

Dill. [Persuasively.] Well, I wish you would, Kath- 
leen. I'd like to see you. [Pauses. Considers.] I'd 
like to see if there isn't some little touch you could put 
in the men will like, you know. 

Kath. [Drops paper. Sudden animation as before.] 
Oh, Jack, that's awfully nice of you! I would so love 
to do it so as to please a man — I mean the men, you 
know, all the men! [Comes down c. excited.] Put the 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 157 

chairs back, there'll be space enough right here. 
[Stops.] Oh, but what about the music? 

Holt. [Rises.] Music's all right. I'll play — 

Dill. [Interrupting.] No, you zuont! You won't 
play that flute. Not if I know it! 

Holt. [Going up r. Smoking.] Who said flute, you 
old Oola-boola, you? I meant I'd run the Victrola. 
[Exit R. behind palms.] 

[Dill, sits l. down. Kath. stands c] 

Holt. [Appearing for an instant in doorway.] All 
ready ? 

Dill. Ready, Kathleen? [Calls.] All right, Dan, 
shoot! 

[Music. Kathleen dances. Just before close of 
dance, enter Norah L. and comes down to Dill.] 

Dill. [At finish, clapping hands.] Fine, Kathleen, 
great! [To Norah.] What is it? 

Norah. Av ye plaze, Misther Dillon, there's a man 
wantin' to see yez. 

Dill. [Puzzled.] A man to see me? What does he 
want ? 

Norah. I don't know, sir, he said yez sint for him. 

Dill. [Astonished.] I sent for him? [Sudden recol- 
lection. Rises.] Oh, it must be Mollie's detective. [To 
Norah.] All right, tell him I'll come directly. 

[Exit Norah l.] 

[Kath. stands leaning against table r. watching Dill. 
closely.] 

Dill. [Crosses R. to table, business of selecting cigarette. 
Returns slowly toe] Dance is great, Kathleen. 

Kath. [r. watching him.] Norah said the man was 
waiting for you. Jack. 

Dill. [Leisurely.] Oh, he's all right! '^^t.y [Chuckles.] 



158 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

you didn't hear about that. MolHe pretty nearly went 
into hysterics over this burglar-scare, and insisted on 
telephoning for a detec — ha, ha! — a detective — ha, 
ha, ha! 

Kath. [Nervously, forcing a laugh.] Ha, ha! But the 
man's waiting. Jack. Hadn't you better go.? 

Dill. [Indifferently. Smoking.] In a minute. Say 
[Chuckles.] you ought to have heard Mollie telephoning 
the Police Station! [Shakes head in a fit of chuckles \ 
Said she wanted a nice one — ha, ha, ha! A nice one! 

Kath. [Impatient^ Well, do go and see the man 
anyhow. Jack. Everybody will be getting here pres- 
ently. [Motor-horn heard distantly off.] There, they're 
beginning to come now! [Stamps foot.] Will you go? 

Dill. [Checking laughter, surprised.] All right, Kath- 
leen, I'm going. [Saunters u. L.] Why, you're as ner- 
vous as Mollie this evening! [At door l.] A nice one, 
you know, that's what she wanted, without — ha, ha, 
ha! — without anything on! [Exit l. laughing.] 

[Kath. watches him off, then dashes l. to telephone. 
Just as she seizes it. Holt appears at door r.] 

Holt. [Calls.] All through? Or do you want to 
try it again? 

Kath. Oh! [Drops telephone, and rushes back to 
table R. Sits, out of breath.] 

[Enter Holt at door R.] 

Holt. Hey? Did you say yes or no? 

Kath. [Swallowing and breathing rapidly.] No! I 
said no! I don't want it again, thank you, Dan. 

Holt. [Coming down c. Glances at her.] I shouldn't 
think you would. You're all out of breath. Why, 
where's Jack ? 

Kath. He's gone. Somebody wanted him. 



THE JVEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 159 

Holt. [Stands l. in front of fireplace. Confidential.] 
Isn't old Jack funny about my flute? He can't bear 
the idea of my learning to play it. 

Kath. He says he wouldn't mind your learning. He 
says what he can't stand is your playing. 

Holt. [Huffy.] Oh, he can't, can't he.? Jack has 
about as much ear for music as a rhinoceros. [Looking 
around.] Where did I put it anyhow, did you notice ^. 

Kath. [With a quick movement, slips flute off of table 
and hides it under her skirt. Innocently.] Put what.? 

Holt. [Coming down l. beginning to search.] My 
flute just now. I laid it down somewhere. [Crosses R. 
Looks on table.] 

Kath. Oh, did you .? 

Holt. I thought I put it here. Maybe it's rolled 
off. [Looks under table. Straightens up.] No. Now 
where do you suppose — .? [Starts off on a tour of the 
room, business of searching everywhere as before^ 

[Kath. business of watching him, screwing her head 
as far around as it will go without moving her body, first 
to right, then to left.] 

Holt. [Reaches door l. Shakes head with a negative 
grunt.] Ump! Not here! 

Kath. Maybe Norah's taken it. She was here. 

Holt. That's so! Norah's always picking it up 
around the house and bringing it to me — 

Kath. [Mimics.] "Av ye plaze, Misther Holt, here's 
yer flute!" 

Holt. Then I give her a quarter. Great graft! 

Kath. [Eagerly.] Why don't you go and ask her? 
She's in the kitchen. Why don't you? 

Holt. Maybe I had better. 

Kath. [Excitedly. Jumps up, holding flute behind 



i6o THREE SHORT PLAYS 

her.] That's it, Dan! Ask Norah, go right away and 
ask her! Hurry, Dan! Why don't yeu hurry F 

Holt. [Going l.] Why, I am going as fast as I can. 
What's your hurry.? 

[Kath. watches him off. Drops flute on floor, runs to 
telephone, same business as before. Stands l. clutching 
instrument. Looks warily all around the room. Puts 
telephone to ear. Pause. Lnto telephone, low voice.] I 
want North one-eight-double o, please. . . . Yes. . . . 
[Pause. Glances all around the room.] [Into telephone, 
low voice.] Is that Mr. Bryan's res — [Rapturously.] 
Oh, Jim! Oh, you can't think how glad I am! To 
hear your voice again, I mean. . . . [Listens smil- 
ing.] . . . Oh, hasn't it been ages, though? at least 
three hours, since long before dinner. . . . Well, you 
know, I couldn't. The house is simply jammed with 
people. . . . No, nobody's come yet, I meant there 
was always somebody around. . . . [Listens smiling. 
Suddenly.] Jim, dont! I'm afraid somebody will 
hear you! . . . Why, I'm all right, only I'm almost 
dead. . . . No, nothing's the matter, just everything, 
you know. . . . Why, I can't help being frightened 
when I think of what we are going to do. . . . No, no, 
I'm not frightened when I'm with you, but . . . [Lis- 
tens, rapt expression. Suddenly.] Jim, dont! I know 
somebody will hear. . . . No, I don't believe anybody 
suspects anything. I've had the most awful time all 
day long, trying to be natural. I never knew before 
how hard stage people must have to work — 

[Automobile horn heard off.] 

Kath. Oh! [Jumps violently. Into telephone.] Noth- 
ing, only I think they're beginning to come. . . . 
Quick, Jim! . . . [Listens^ excitedly nodding head.] 



THE WEARIN' 0* THE GREEN i6i 

Yes. . . . Yes. . . . Twelve o'clock sharp, yes! . . . 
[Suddenly, emphatic] No, no, not that door, Jim, that 
wouldn't be safe. Listen. . . . 

[Automobile horn heard off.] 

Kath. Oh! [Same business.] Gracious, there's an- 
other! [Into telephone rapidly, lowering voice.] Noth- 
ing, never mind what you hear me say, just listen. 
The terrace-diOOT. . . . Can you hear me? . . . Yes, 
the terrace-door, they'll all be at supper, so there won't 
be anybody in here or outside either — 

[Automobile horn heard off.] 

Kath. Oh! [Same business.] [Into telephone.] No, 
I didn't say anything, I just said. . . . Yes, they're 
beginning to come. . . . Listen, Jim, so you'll be sure 
it's me, I'll carry one of the lights back and forth across 
the window three times. . . . [The last words in a rush 
as fast as she can say them.] Yes, three times, remem- 
ber. . . . Yes. . . . Oh, Jim, I'm so frightened. . . . 
No. . . . Yes. . . . Jim, dont! [Claps telephone on 
table and turns around. Business of straightening hair 
and dress, trembling excitedly.] 

[Enter R. Dillon and Ames. Dill, carrying large 
covered basket like that which Norah was seen carrying 
before.] 

Dill. [Speaks as they enter.] This is the living-room 
as you see. [Makes gesture towards glass doors c] 
There's a terrace right outside there. [Comes down c. 
Deposits basket on floor under table carefully.] [Speaks 
in a business-like voice as he sets basket down.] I be- 
lieve I've showed you everything now, Mr. Ames. Do 
you think you can find your way about the house.? 

[Automobile horn heard off.] 

Ames. [Stands q. hmds in pockets, staring sharply 



l62 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

around roomy chewing unlighted cigar.] Sure! [Eyes 
light on Kath. Stares hard.] 

Dill. Our people are beginning to come. [Sugges- 
tively.] You — you know of course where will be the 
best place for you to be ? 

Ames. You should worry. [Stares at Kath. who 
moves restlessly.] 

Dill. [Uncomfortable.] Well — um — we'll probably 
receive in here, Mr. Ames. I — er — I don't suppose 
you — er — you want to stay here, do you ? 

Ames. [Grins.] No, I don't want to. Cap. Vm 
paid to. [Good-naturedly .] Look here, you just run 
along and have a good time. There ain't any of your 
folks going to stub their toe on me. I gotta see them, 
of course, but they ain't gotta see me, huh? [Comes 
down c. facing Dill.] Say — ? [Jerks head and one 
thumb tozvards Kath.] 

Dill. [Puzzled.] Hey.? [Glances from Ames to 
Kath. Comprehends.] [Stiffly.] The young lady is 
our guest. Miss Travers. [Briefly to Kath.] Mr. 
Ames, the detective. 

[Automobile horn heard off.] 

Kath. [Nods, murmuring inarticulately.] 

Ames. Pleased to meet you. Miss. 

[Pause during which Ames stares at Kath. who moves 
uneasily.] 

Kath. [Nervous laugh.] What on earth were you 
carrying in that big basket like a market-woman, Jack.? 

Dill. That.? That's the silver. It was standing on 
the table in the back hall, so I just brought it in here. 
It may as well stay here under the table, that's as safe 
a place as any, don't you think, Mr. Ames.? 

Ames. [Glancing at it casually.] Yeah, 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 163 

Kath. Is it all there ? 

Dill. Oh, I didn't open it. We haven't any time to 
be counting forks and spoons now, you know. But I 
expect most of it's there, it's heavy enough. 

[Automobile horn heard off.] 

Dill. [Fidgetting.] They'll all be here in a minute. 
Er — ah — I suppose you want to meet my wife, Mr. 
Ames? So that you can tell her from the rest, eh.? 
She's somewhere around — we can go and hunt her 
up — ? [Suggestively.] 

Ames. [Familiar.] Keep it on, brother, keep it on! 
No hurry! I don't claim to be any Sherlock Holmes, 
but I guess I can ^^-duce which one Mrs. Dillon is 
when I see her. 

Kath. [Beginning to he amused.] Can you really? 
I should love to see you! Deduce something about us 
right now, won't you ? 

Ames. [Eyeing her coolly.] All right, young lady. 

[Kath. l., Ames c. Dill. r. Slight pause during 
which Ames takes cigar from one corner of his mouth, 
looks it over, puts it hack in other corner.] 

Ames. [Abruptly to Kath.] You're hiding something. 

Kath. [Aghast. Violent start.] Wh-what! 

Ames. [Dryly to Dill, repeating gesture towards 
Kath.] Huh? How about it? 

Dill. [Amused but surprised.] Why, Kathleen, 
you're not really? 

Kath. [Completely at a loss.] I — I — I — 

Ames. [Benevolent.] Never mind, tain't any of our 
business, I guess. [To Dill.] Say, Mister, you can 
get a woman with that "hiding something" stuff every 
time! Because why? [Same business with cigar.] Be- 
cause they always are hiding something! 



l64 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dill. [Distantly.] Really? [Looks at Kath. per- 
plexed.] 

Kath. [Same business.] I — I — I — 

[Ames at c. hands in pockets, eyes her grin- 
ning.] 

Dill. [Disturbed.] Oh, come now, Kathleen, you 
haven't got anything to make a secret of. 

Kath. Why no — of course not — no indeed! [Pause, 
Desperately.] That is — yes — I — I was hiding some- 
thing — I was hiding — I was hiding — [Sudden idea.] 
I was hiding Dan's flute. [Relieved. Voluble.] Yes, 
that's it. Jack, I was hiding Dan's flute, I didn't want 
to tell, I was so afraid you'd give it away, but I did it 
just for a joke, you know, of course, and I don't want 
him to find it to-night, because I — I — [Stops com- 
pletely out of breath.] 

Dill. What? Dans flute? You've hidden Dan's 
flute? [Amused.] Good work! Where? 

Kath. [Blankly.] Where? 

Ames. [Grinning. Same business with cigar.] Uh- 
huh. Where? 

Dill. Where did you put it, I mean? 

Kath. Why, I put it — [Pause.] — I put it — 
[Pause.] — I — I put it — 

Ames. [Grinning.] That's it, sister, you put it, didn't 
you? [To Dill.] Don't you see. Cap? She put it. 
Get that? 

Dill. [A little impatient.] Oh go on! Let me in, 
Kathleen. 

Kath. [Defiant.] I'm not going to tell ! 

Ames. [Winking at her.] Well, in that case, I am. 
Looks to me like that was a flute lying over there on 
the floor by the table, ain't it ? 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 165 

Kath. [Slight scream.] Where ? Oh! [Rushes across 
R. and snatches up flute,] 

Dill. [Following her.] Under the table? That's 
not a very good place. Here, let's see! [Takes flute 
from her, and stands down R. holding it, and looking 
around, hack to audience.] 

[Kath. leans against table R. still excited. Ames strolls 
deliberately over towards her, and looking down, closes one 
eye.] 

Kath. [Recoiling. Indignant and frightened.] Oh! 

Dill. [Turning.] Hey.? 

Ames. [Cool.] Nothing, mister, nothing. [Saunters 
u. c. business of staring all around, stops at terrace-doors, 
tries them and flnds them unlocked, opens one and glances 
out, shuts it and exit L. sauntering.] 

Dill. [Standing down R. flute in hand. Sudden idea.] 
Tell you what, Kathleen, we'll stick it in the silver 
basket. He'll never think of looking for it there. [Lifts 
up lid of basket just enough to admit flute and thrusts it 
in.] There! [Claps lid down and shoves basket under 
table. To ILpcm. dusting off hands triumphantly.] How's 
that? 

Kath. [Exaggerated enthusiasm.] Fine, Jack! 

[Automobile horns heard off. Enter hurriedly L. Holt.] 

Holt. [Pausing u. c. adjusting helmet, white cotton 
gloves, etc.] Hello, they're all getting here. [To Dill.] 
Who's the low-brow I met in the hall just now.? 

Dill. That's Mollie's sleuth that she ordered to 
protect us, you know. Where's your flute, Dan? 

Holt. [Going r. Speaks hastily over shoulder.] Don't 
know. Can't find it. Here come the Wrights. [Exit R.] 

[Voices heard off R.] 

[Enter L. Mollie in peasant-girl costume. Comes has- 



i66 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

tily down c] Oh, Jack, better stand here with me, 
hadn't you? [To Kath.] You can be just around, you 
know. It oughtn't to be a bit formal. 

Dill. Did you see your detective .? 

MoLLiE. [Gesture.] I did! He seems to know enough 
to keep himself in the background, though. 

[Voices and laughter heard off R. Dill, and Mollie 
side by side in front of fireplace L. Kath. u. c] 

[Enter r. Mrs. Wright in nursemaid's dress with a 
large hahy-doll decorated with green ribbons. Wright 
in evening-clothes but with a blazing fancy waistcoat, two 
glass door-knobs in his shirt-front as studs, high hat, 
violent lobster-red gloves, etc. Miss Sternberg in de- 
collete toilette.] 

Wright. Hello, Jack! Mrs. Dillon! [Takes off hat 
to her with a flourish.] 

[Dill., Mollie, others, business of greetings, showing 
off costumes, etc.] 

Mrs. W. [To Mollie.] Mollie, you look perfectly 
darling! Don't you think this is rather cute } [Parades 
costume.] Look, you can make the baby cry. [Shows 
off doll, prodding its stomach.] Oh, I forgot ! Our guest, 
Miss Sternberg. Violet, Mrs. Jack Dillon. 

[Business of introductions.] 

Dill. [To Wright.] What are you supposed to be 
anyhow, old man? 

Wri. Me? Why, I'm the boss of the Umpty-Steenth 
Ward. Pipe my diamond shirt-studs? [Displays glass 
knobs.] [To Kath.] What do you think of it? [Turns 
around in front of her.] 

Kath. Lovely! Are ward bosses always Irish, 
though ? 

Wri. Sure! Well, a good many of 'em are neutral. 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 167 

[Dill, at c. Kath., Wright business of talking to- 
gether.] 

[MoLLiE, Mrs. Wri., Miss S. down l.] 

Miss S. [To Mollie.] So sweet of you, Mrs. Dillon, 
to let me come without any costume. I just got here 
to-day, and wasn't prepared for anything like this. 

Mollie. Why, we're delighted to have you. This 
your first visit here ? 

Mrs. W. Yes, and I'm so afraid she's going to have 
an awful time remembering the people she meets. 

Mollie. It is hard for a stranger. 

Mrs. W. Everybody in these costumes too! Why, 
we can't even recognize one another! 

Miss S. I hope you'll all forgive my mistakes. [To 
Mrs. W.] Who was the man in the sweater you spoke 
to just as we came in.? 

Mrs. W. a sweater.? Oh, that was Mr. Lowell — 
Tom Lowell. [To Mollie.] You ought to see him. 
He's gotten up to look exactly like a plumber — simply 
rich. He has one of those carpet-rolls of tools that 
they all carry, and his face painted to look as if he 
hadn't shaved for a week, and talks with the strongest 
kind of brogue the whole time. Really he's wonderfully 
good. 

Dill. [At c] Look who's here! Saint Patrick him- 
self, no less! 

[Enter r. Saint Patrick, the banshee, the Tammany 
Tiger, the whiskey -bottle, Happy Hooligan, Gloomy Gus, 
etc. Voices, laughter heard off R.] 

Mollie. [To Mrs. W.] Who is it, do you know? 

Mrs. W. The one with the tiger-skin rug, you mean? 
Why, that's Joe King, don't you recognize him? I 
think it's one of the Cooper girls dressed like a ghost. 



l68 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

[Business of greetings, introductions, etc.] 

MoLLiE. [To Miss S.] Miss Sternberg, may I pre- 
sent Saint Patrick? 

Miss S. Otherwise — ? 

MoLLiE. Otherwise Mr. Cooper. 

Miss S. Mr. Cooper. [Rather coquettish.] Don't be 
furious if I call you the wrong name, will you.? Of 
course I couldn't forget your face, but names are so 
difficult. 

[Miss S., Saint Patrick, others business of talking to- 
gether. Other guests in costume enter, pixies, old women, 
dragoons, horse-jockeys, etc. Music begins off R.] 

[Enter R. Lowell dressed as described, sweater, soiled 
trousers, heavy brogans, shabby slouch hat, roll of tools on 
shoulder, etc.] 

All. Ah-h! [Burlesque applause, clapping of hands, 
etc.] 

Low. [Coming down c. To Dillon.] Av ye plaze, 
sor, is this Misther Dillon's? [Attitude.] 

Dill. [Looking him over.] Great stuff, Tom! 

Wri. [Taking Low^ell's arm.] Here, I want you to 
meet Miss Sternberg. 

[Business of introductions. Enter more guests. Music 
off. Talk. Exeunt couples for dancing. Enter Holt and 
takes Kathleen off R. Wright pairs with Mollie, 
Dillon with Mrs. W., etc. Miss S. and Lowell left 
down c. last of all.] 

Low. I'm sure, miss, it's very kind of Misther Wright 
to lave me have the first dance with yez. 

Miss S. [Rather gushing.] Oh, Mr. Lowell, you are 
perfectly wonderful! I don't see how you can keep up 
the character that way. 

Low. [Superior.] Arrah thin, 'tis aisy whin yez have 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 169 

got the thrick av it. [Looks around.] Vvn thinkin' I'd 
betther lave me tools here. [Deposits roll of tools on 
lounge L. Returning, speaks without brogue in his nat- 
ural manner.] It's about as much as I can do to get 
through one of these dances without walking all over 
my partner, let alone carrying all that junk. Do you 
trot, Miss Sternberg.'* 

Miss S. There! You forgot it for once! 
Low. Forgot what.? 
Miss S. Your Irish! 

Low. [Sudden recollection.] Bedad, so I did! 
Miss S. You won't mind if I stare at you very hard? 
[Takes his arm. Going R.] It's so queer not to know 
anybody — 

[Exeunt R. talking. A pause. Music and voices heard 
off R. during all these scenes^ 

[Enter L. Norah followed by Mike Murphy with 
plumber s kit, etc. They advance with extreme caution to 
u. c. Pantomime of Norah showing off ball-room and 
dancers to Mike who stands and stares.] 
Norah. [After a pause.] Well .? 

Mike. [Shakes head solemnly, continuing to stare.] 
Ye'd think they was paid to do it, now wouldn't yez.? 

Norah. [Superior.] That's because you don't know 
anythin' about it, Mike. 

Mike. [With emphasis.] Glory be, I don't! What 
have they got on all thim quare-lookin' clothes for? 

Norah. It's a fancy-dthress party. They're all 
dthressed up to look like somebody else, purposely, 
except that one. [Points.] That's a young la-ady 
visitin' here. She has on full dthress. 

Mike. [Cranes to look.] Full dthress! They call that 
full dthress ? [Advances a step, and gazes with great in- 



lyo THREE SHORT PLAYS 

teresu] [To Norah.] What's it loike whin she takes a 
ba-ath, thin? 

Norah. [Shocked.] Mike! 

Mike. [Same business.] Arre they anny more av 
thim loike that.? 

Norah. [Tartly.] No, and you'd best be gettin' on 
yer job, Mike Murphy, instead of standin' here starin' 
yer eyes out. [Pulls him back.] Mind yez don't make 
anny noise about it either. 

Mike. [Reluctant, still gazing towards ball-room.] 
There ain't anny pipes in beyant that wants lookin' 
afther, I dinnaw? [Gesture with his thumb towards ball- 
room.] 

Norah. [In a temper.] Av coorse not! I told yez 
the leak was here, right over the door. [Going l. towing 
him after her.] S-sh! Can't yez step lighter.? 

Mike. [Expostulating.] I am steppin' light. 

Norah. S-sh ! [Exit l.] 

[Mike at door l. pauses, looking up, pushes hat back 
and studies the ceiling.] 

Norah. [Reappearing in doorway.] Arre yez comin' 
or arre yez not ? 

Mike [Business-like.] Is that where the trouble is 
at.? [Gestures.] That wet spot in the ceiling.? 

Norah. [Looking up.] Ain't that what I've been 
tellin' yez.? It's Mrs. Dillon's bathroom. S-sh! 

[Exeunt L.] 

[A pause. Music ceases. Applause, voices, laughter 
off R. Enter r. Mollie with Wright.] 

Wri. [Speaking as they come down c] I take two 
side-steps, you know. 

Mollie. Kathleen dances it your way, too. 

Wri. She dances well, doesn't she? 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 171 

MoLLiE. Yes, she's going to do us a fancy one after 
supper to-night. We thought it would be fun to have 
a few stunts like that. 

[They stand together at table R. Business of talking.] 

[Enter r. Lowell and Miss Sternberg. Business 
of Low. taking leave of her. Miss S. crosses L. sits on 
lounge.] 

[Enter r. Holt. Looks around. Comes down c] 

Holt. Oh, Mollie, don't you want to do this one with 
me.? 

Mollie. All right, Dan. [Going. To Wright.] 
Aren't you going to ask Miss Sternberg? She's all 
alone over there. 

[Music recommences off R. Mollie and Holt go 
u. c. and exeunt R. talking. Wri. crosses l. to Miss S.] 

Wri. Won't you give me this one.? 

Miss S. Why, I'm just waiting here for Mr. Lowell. 
He's gone to get me a glass of water. We thought we'd 
sit out. 

Wri. The next, then ? 

Miss S. Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Wright. 

[Exit Wri. r.] 

[Miss S. comes down to table R. and stands facing au- 
dience. Business of opening vanity-case, inspecting hair 
and face in little mirror, dabbing on powder, etc.] 

[Enter l. Mike. Shuts door with care, stepping softly, 
hacks off studying ceiling. Stumbles. Recovers with 
ejaculation.] 

Mike. [u. c. rubbing shin.] The divil! 

Miss S. [Faint scream. Turns around.] Oh! 

[A pause, during which they stare at each other.] 

Miss S. [Relieved.] Oh, it's you! 

Mike. [Confused.] Yes, ma'am. 



172 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Miss S. You must have come in very quietly. 

Mike. [Recovering. Civil.] I thried to, ma'am. 

Miss S. You startled me. You see I didn't know 
it was you. 

Mike. [Puzzled.] I didn't know I was you either, 
ma'am. 

Miss S. [Vivacious.] Oh, you are simply delicious! 

Mike. [Astounded.] Ma'am.? 

Miss S. It's marvellous how you stick to the Irish! 

Mike. [Astonished and a little nettled.] Why wouldn't 
I, thin.? 

Miss S. It must be so difficult too. 

Mike. [Loud, clenching fist.] Phwat? 

Miss S. [Sits on edge of table in dashing attitude.] 
You didn't see about the water for me after all. [Coquet- 
tishly severe.] Careless man! 

Mike. [Anxious to explain.] I will directly, ma'am. 
I ain't found out where it's comin' from yet. 

Miss S. Haven't you? Well, do you know, it's too 
absurd, but there was water right here on the table all 
the time and neither one of us saw it! [Takes siphon 
and pours out a glass.] Here's looking towards you! 
[Drinks, eyeing him flirtatiously over the edge of the 
glass.] 

[Miss S. sitting on table R. Mike l. standing. He 
stares at her thoughtfully, rubbing his chin; pushes hat to 
one side and rubs head still staring; apparently comes to 
some decision, shrugs, cocks hat, strolls over to her and 
stands, hands in pockets, staring boldly, grinning.] 

Miss S. [Finishing drink.] You don't believe in 
drinking healths ? 

Mike. [Cool.] Not in that stuff I don't. 

Miss S. There's something stronger here. [Looks 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 173 

over tray with whiskey-hottle, etc.] Oh, there's only 
this one glass! What will you do? 

Mike. [Eyeing her flirtatiously.] Can't we dthrink 
out of the wan glass, the two av us? / wouldn't mind. 

Miss S. Oh, shocking! I've never learned to drink 
whiskey anyhow. 

Mike. No throuble at all for me to tache yez. 

Miss S. I'm beginning to be afraid of you. [Takes 
up bottle and glass. Eyes him coquettishly sidelong.] 
Say when! [Pours.] 

[Mike watches silently. Miss S. pours a little ^ pauses, 
looks at him expectantly; pours again; same business; 
pours again; same business; takes a long breath and sets 
bottle down, staring at him.] 

Miss. S. Well, what are you thinking of? 

Mike. [Takes glass from her. Bows with a flourish. 
Drinks.] Begobs, I was thinkin' — [Drinks.] — that 
yez was all luny — [Drinks.] — but sometimes yez have 
what they do be callin' — [Drinks.] — lucid intervals! 
[Slaps glass on table, smacking his lips. Eyes her boldly, 
edging nearer.] 

Miss S. [Slips off of table, a little uneasy.] You are 
wonderful! Anybody would think you were just what 
you seem. I mean just a — just a man, you know. 

Mike. A man? To be sure I'm a man. What did 
yez take me for? Docthor Mary Walker? 

[Pours out another drink.] 

Miss S. [Moving down L. increased uneasiness. 
Watching him.] Of course your dress helps. 

Mike. Helps, is it? Yours might — [Eyes her; drinks; 
shakes head.] But it dont! [Drinks.] 

Miss S. I mean it's not having any collar on. That 
makes such a difference in a man's looks somehow. 



174 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Mike. [Sets glass down; eyes her.] Bedad, a collar'd 
make mighty little difference in your looks, ma* am. 
[Moves towards her grinning.] 

Miss S. [Retreating towards tele phone-table , half fright- 
ened and half pleased.] I knew I was going to be afraid 
of you! [Springing back.] Don't! 

Mike. That ain't me na-ame. Fve heard a lot about 
that same Misther Don't, the gurrls arre always callin' 
for him. 

Miss S. [Takes refuge behind telephone-table.] Oh, 
please do — ! 

Mike. [Pursues her.] Do's betther — 

Miss S. But somebody's coming! 

[Music ceases. Burst of applause, laughter, voices 
heard off R. Enter R. Mollie and Carson, the latter 
dressed as an ordinary workingman, overalls, blue shirt, 
dinner-pail, etc. They come slowly down c. Business of 
talking together. Miss S. drops into chair l. Mike goes 
up L. to fireplace.] 

Mollie. [At c. glancing around.] Oh, here they 
are! [To Miss S.] This is Mr. Carson, Miss Stern- 
berg. 

[Business of introductions.] 

Miss S. [Rises.] What are you, Mr. Carson? Mr. 
Lowell's a plumber, you know. 

Carson. Oh, I guess I'm just another Irishman, 
only I can't do the brogue like Lowell. [Music begins.] 
Do you hesitate? 

Miss S. Yes, but that's a one-step, isn't it? 

Car. [Offering arm.] Let's go and find out. 

[Business of talking together as exeunt R.] 

Mollie. [Down c. Turns towards Mike.] Were 
you sitting out both dances with her, Tom? She must 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 175 

be violently fascinating. [Strolls up L. towards him. 
Halts abruptly. Slight scream.] Oh! Who is it^ 

Mike. [Embarrassed, respectful, removing hat.] It's 
me, ma'am, it's the plumber, plaze ma'am. 

[Mike and Mollie near fireplace. Mike awkwardly 
fingering, hat, Mollie staring at him. Enter noiselessly 
L. Ames. Looks at them, crosses R. quickly and stealthily, 
and hides behind palms. Business of watching them 
closely.] 

Mollie. [Relieved.] Oh, the plumber! I took you 
for somebody else at first. Norah said you'd come. 
Did you find where the leak was ? [Goes up L. followed 
respectfully by Mike. Business of talking over the spot 
on the ceiling with him.] 

Dill. [Appears in door Vi. Calls.] Mollie! 

Mollie. All right. Jack, in a minute. [To Mike.] 
Well, fix it the best you can anyhow. [Crosses R. to 
Dill.] What is it.? 

Dill. Why, don't you think it's about time for 
supper? 

[Exeunt R. talking.] 

[Mike at door l. opens door, and looks off standing on 
threshold. Returns into room, surveys ceiling and wall 
on that side of the room, shakes head, rubs chin, casting 
occasional cautious glances towards ball-room. Exit, 
closing door with extreme gentleness.] 

[Ames business of watching him closely, shrinking be- 
hind palms whenever Mike turns in his direction. As 
door closes, Ames emerges briskly but cautiously, crosses 
l., listens at door an instant, opens it and peers out, exit, 
closing door gently.] 

[A pause. Music ceases off. Applause, voices, etc. 
Music recommences. Enter stealthily by doors c. Kid 



176 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Sampson. Stands looking warily left and right, revolver 
in hand. After an instant, turns, closes doors noiselessly, 
looks all over door frame and wall on either hand, finds 
electric-light switch, and presses button, turning his head 
to observe effect. All lights go out except reading-lamps 
on tables R. and L. Sampson puts revolver in pocket, 
crosses L. Stops abruptly, business of watching and listen- 
ing. During all the following scene music and subdued 
noises off R;] 

[Enter R. Dill. Comes down R. Business of searching 
table. Sampson with hand on revolver rigidly watching 
him.] 

Dill. [Glances at him and continues search.] Hello, 
Tom, is that you? Somebody said you were in the 
dressing-room. Want a smoke.? 

Samp. [After an instant, relaxing perceptibly, but still 
vigilant.] Oh, I — I don't care. 

Dill. All right, just wait a minute till I find the 
goods. [Looks up and around.] By Jove, I thought 
something was wrong! The lights are all out. When 
did that happen.? 

Samp. Just a minute ago. 

Dill. Burnt out the switch, I expect. See if you 
can turn 'em on, Tom, will you.? The button's right 
over there by the terrace-door. It's so dark in here I 
can scarcely see. [Continues search.] 

[Sampson hesitates, then goes u. c. to doors. Stands 
with eyes on Dillon watchful.] 

Dill. [Discovers cigarettes, etc.] Ah-ha, here they 
are! [Turns head.] Can't you find it? Feel on the 
right-hand side. 

Samp. I did, but she won't work. 

Dill. Oh, well, never mind. It's all right as long 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 177 

as they don't go out in the rest of the house. Have one 
of these? 

Samp. [Comes down c. a little way hut halts while still 
in shadow.] I — I got some of my own. 

Dill. [Business of lighting cigarette, speaking as he 
does so.] Oh, all right. [Sits on arm of chair R. arms 
folded, legs stretched out, smoking.] Say, Tom, you 
know that get-up of yours is great. It's the best cos- 
tume for a fancy-dress party like this I ever saw. Where 
did you get it? 

Samp. [Watching him as before, sits on arm of lounge 
L., copying Dillon's attitude.] Why, I — er — I got 
it — [Coughs.] — Ungh-ungh ! 

Dill. The plumber's outfit, I mean. 

Samp. Oh — er — I borrowed it. 

Dill. Congratulations! It's a success. Nobody'd 
know you. 

Samp. [Slight involuntary chuckle.] Well, I don't 
want 'em to know me. 

Dill. I notice you manage to give a little different 
sound to your voice even. 

Samp. Yep ! [Coughs.] Ungh — ungh ! 

Dill. You ought to look out for that cold, Tom. 
You're pretty hoarse. 

[A pause. Sampson looking uneasily around.] 

Dill. We were thinking that we'd get a few of 
you that could to do some stunts after supper this 
evening. [Tentative.] I don't suppose you feel like 
singing ? 

Samp. [With emphasis.] You bet I don't. 

Dill. Not with that cold, of course. [Pause. Sud- 
denly slaps his leg and hursts out laughing.] By Jove, 
I forgot — Ho — ho — ha ! 



178 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Samp. [Violent start, looking around suspiciously.] 
Huh? 

Dill. [Still chuckling.] Say, Tom, what d'ye think? 
Dan Holt was going to play something on his flute — 
his flute, you know. [Laughter at every other word.] 
You knew about Dan thinking he can play the flute? 
[Same business.] Well, what d'ye think — ? [Same 
business.] 

Samp. [Lncreasing uneasiness.] I — I — er — ungh! 
[Coughs.] 

[Enter L. Norah. Crosses up-stage, preoccupied air, 
stops at door r., business of looking into ball-room, seek- 
ing for someone. Exit R.] 

Samp. [Violent start, clutching for revolver as she 
enters, watches her anxiously.] Huh? 

Dill. [Glancing.] There goes one of the maids now, 
looking for my wife, I guess. [Rises.] Supper must be 
about ready. [Looks at watch.] It's nearly twelve. 
But say, I started to tell you about Dan's flute. See 
that basket under the table? Right there? See 
it? 

Samp. [On pins and needles, looking all around. 
Shortly.] Yep, I see it. 

Dill. Don't give it away. That's our silver — 

Samp. [Violent start. Loud voice.] Huh? 

Dill. S-sh! I don't wonder you're surprised. Mrs. 
Dillon got all worked up over this burglar-scare, so I 
brought all our stuff in here where it would be safe. 
But what I was going to tell you was that I hid Dan's 
flute in there with it — [Laughter; same business as 
before.] See ? [Laughter.] 

Samp. Yep, I see. [Suddenly joining in laughter.] 
Ho-ha-ha! 



THE WEARIN' a THE GREEN 179 

Dill. Dan'll never find it in the world, you know. 
[Same business.] 

Samp. Sure, he won't! [Same business.] 
Dill. That settles the flute solo, hey? [Same busi- 
ness.] 

Samp. It does for fair! [Same business.] 
Dill. Laugh's on Dan. [Same business for both.] 
[Music ceases. Applause, laughter, voices off R.] 
[Enter R. Mollie and Norah, business of conferring 
together. Norah crosses up-stage, busy and preoccupied 
air as before. Exit L.] 

[Sampson and Dillon at c. Samp, stops laughing 
abruptly. Watches Mollie and Norah anxiously.] 
Mollie. [u. r. Calls.] Jack, are you there? 
Dill. [Going up.] All right, Mollie. [To Sampson.] 
Nobody knows, so don't give it away. 

[Dill, joins Mollie at door r. Business of talking 
together, gradually withdrawing off R.] 

[Music recommences. Sampson alone. Looks sharply 
all around, hand on revolver. Rushes down R. snatches 
up basket of silver, weighs it an instant in his hand, nods 
in a satisfied manner, runs u. c. Business of halting at 
door c. surveying place warily, opens door a crack, peers 
out cautiously. Exit.] 

[Enter r. Mollie and Dillon. Come down c. talking.] 
Mollie. Well, I don't know how we are to manage. 
The china-pantry is locked and I can't for my life re- 
member where I put the key, and Norah just came and 
told me we'd only about half enough of those tin plates 
and cups and things I ordered. 

Dill. Oh, it doesn't matter for a party like this. 
Let 'em eat with their fingers, and pretend it's a picnic. 
It'll be just that much more fun. 



i8o THREE SHORT PLAYS 

MoLLiE. I told her to get some of the pie-pans out 
of the kitchen. [Goes u. c. looking around.] You might 
get down some of your steins for them to drink out of, 
Jack. Why, the Hghts are all out! 

Dill. [Business of collecting steins, mugs, etc., from 
shelves, mantel, etc.] Yes, something's wrong, they 
won't turn on. 

[Enter R. Holt.] 

MoLLiE. [At doors c. Presses button.] Why yes, 
they will too. Look at that! 

[Lights all on.] 

Holt. See here, Mollie, I've got to have my flute 
presently. Haven't you seen it anywhere? 

Mollie. [Impatient.] No, I haven't, Dan, and I 
haven't any time to be looking for flutes now. 

[Enter Norah l. carrying large tray with tin cups, big 
tin coffeepot, loaf of bread, etc. Another maid behind her 
with armful of tea-towels, a fringed red tablecloth, and a 
stoneware washstand pitcher \ 

Mollie. Oh Norah, did you find some more 
things ? 

Norah. No, ma'am. There's a whole basket av 
thim gone nobody knows where. 

Mollie. A whole basket of tin cups and plates! 
Why, they couldn't mislay a whole basket! 

Norah. [Shakes head.] However they done it, Mrs. 
Dillon, there's only wan basket now where there was 
two before. 

Mollie. We'll just have to do without somehow. 
[Looks over tray.] 

Norah. Yes, ma'am. I've got the soap-dishes for 
to put the pickles and candies in. 

[Mollie and Norah cross R. Pause at door. Business 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN i8l 

of MoLLiE giving orders. Holt and Dillon intercept 
the other maid and inspect tea-towels, etc.] 

Dill. [Peering into pitcher.] What on earth's this, 
Katie? 

Maid. Av ye plaze, sir, that's the punch. 

Dill. Oh! [Shakes pitcher expertly; sniffs it; shakes 
head; hands it hack to her.] 

Holt. [Flapping out red tablecloth.] What are you 
going to do with this thing? 

[Exit NORAH R.] 

MoLLiE. [Turning.] What was that you said, Dan? 
Why, that's the tablecloth, and the towels are for 
napkins. You two go and get the ironing-board and 
trestles out of the laundry, will you? I want to fix a 
table in the other room. 

Dill. Ironing-board and trestles? You're on.' Come 
along, Dan. 

[Exeunt Holt and Dillon l. Mollie business of 
giving instructions to second maid as exeunt R.] 
[A pause. Voices, noise and laughter off R.] 
[Enter L. furtively Kathleen with wrap over arm. 
Advances cautiously to u. c. Stands looking warily off 
R. Business of glancing alternately off R. and l. as she 
takes candle from bookshelves and lights it. Stands in 
front of casement doors and passes candle backwards and 
forwards three times. A pause. Voices and noise off R. 
all the time. Doors c. open gently and cautiously. Enter 
Bryan in overcoat and hat.] 

Kath. [Stifled exclamation.] Oh Jim! 
Bry. [Glances left and right, laughs as he sees her with 
candle.] Well, lady Macbeth! [Takes candle from her, 
blows it out and replaces it on shelf.] All ready ? 
Kath. Jim, I — Fm so frightened. 



i82 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Bry. [Arm around her.] Pshaw, we aren't going to 
do anything except get married. 

Kath. Jim! Don't you call that anything? 

Bry. [Emphatic] No, I don't! [Hastily.] Well, I 
mean anything wrong, you know. 

Kath. I feel like a thief. 

Bry. Why, Kathleen, Vm the thief. I'm stealing 
you, I suppose, but — [Rather loud and defiant.] I 
don't care! 

Kath. [Fearful.] S-sh! 

Bry. [Sturdily.] We wouldn't have to do this if it 
wasn't for your family. They can't rake up a thing 
against me, except my father's business. See here, 
little girl — [Holds her off by both shoulders.] Do you 
care for me ? 

Kath. [Low.] Ye-yes. 

Bry. Enough for this? 

Kath. [Same business.] Ye-yes, Jim. 

Bry. [Joyous, arms around her.] Well, it's all right 
then — ! 

Kath. S-sh! [Tries to put her hand over his mouth, 
looking fearfully around.] 

Bry. [Twisting head aside.] And we're all right — ! 

Kath. [Same business.] S-sh! 

Bry. [Same business.] And everything's all right! 
Where's your coat? [Snatches it up and huddles her 
into it. Sweeps her off through doors c. with arm around 
her.] 

Kath. [Faintly as exeunt.] Don't, Jim ! 

[Enter l. immediately Dillon, carrying trestles. Holt 
with ironing-board. Mollie appears in door R.] 

MoLLiE. Oh, are you there, boys? [Advancing c. 
Shivers.] Br-rr-rh! Where's that cold air coming 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 183 

from ? Well, of all things ! The doors are open ! [Slams 
them shut and locks them.] Somebody wanted to venti- 
late, I suppose. 

Dill. Where d'you want these, Mollie.?' 

MoLLiE. [At c. up.] Anywhere in there. [Gesture 
to ball-room.] 

[Holt crosses R. with ironing-hoard. Exit R.] 

[Dillon follows with trestles. At door r. turning sud- 
denly.] Oh, MoUie, I say, I think I'll bring the men in 
here to smoke directly. You let us know when Kath- 
leen's going to dance, will you.? 

MoLLiE. All right. She went upstairs just now to 
get ready. 

Dill. Ready? Why, she was all ready, al- 
ready! 

MoLLiE. Well, I suppose she wanted to fix her hair 
or something. Anyway, she said she'd be gone a few 
minutes. [Going l.] 

Dill. Ready! [Shakes head.] Can you beat it! 
[Exit R.] 

[MoLLiE exit L.] 

[Voices and laughter off R. Noise of chairs dragged 
about. Enter Norah rapidly R. Comes down c. gathers 
up steins, etc., which Dill, collected on table, and exit 
hurrying R. Enter R. the other maid, crosses rapidly l. 
exit. Re-enters L. in a second, carrying large tray with 
more dishes, etc. Re-enter Norah r. with empty tray, 
crosses L. exit. Noise, laughter, confusion of voices off R. 
Momentary hush. Mans voice singing the first verse of 
" Tipperary!^ Interruption of applause, laughter, etc. 
None of this business at all loud or rowdy only what might 
be heard at any ordinary dancing-party. 

[Enter r. Dillon, Wright, Holt and the rest of the 



l84 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

men. Business of spreading throughout the roonty talk- 
ing, lighting cigarettes, cigars, etc.] 

[Dillon and Wright down c] 

Dill. Between you and me, Dick, that punch was 
punk — regular woman's stuff. They ought to have 
asked me to make it. 

Wri. [Good-natured and civil.] Oh, I guess the punch 
was all right. Jack. 

Dill. I can fix you up with a high-ball right here, 
though. [Goes R. to table and inspects tray with siphon, 
etc.] The ice is all melted. [Calling to Holt.] Oh 
Dan, ring for Norah or somebody, will you .? 

Holt. [Sitting on lounge, smoking, rises leisurely 
manner, business of pressing button beside door L. Re- 
mains standing by door.] 

Carson. [At table r.] Are you going to let anybody 
else in on this. Jack? Because if you are, there's only 
one glass and — [Picks it up and sniffs it.] — it's been 
used. 

Dill. Hey .? [Inspects tray again.] Oh, all right. 

[Norah appears in doorway l.] 

Hoin:. [Calling.] What's wanted? Ice? 

All. [Burlesque clamor.] Tumblers! 

Dill. [Calling.] Tell her to bring another siphon 
too. [Picks up bottle, eyeing it critically.] 

Holt. [At door l. back to audience, business of con- 
ferring with Norah. Shuts door. Turning.] Say, 
Jack — [Comes down c] 

Dill. Hey? 

Holt. Norah's gone to get the ice and stuff, but she 
says there aren't any tumblers. 

Dill. [Setting bottle down.] No tumblers? 

Holt. Nope. Everything's locked up and you can't 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 185 

get at anything. She said we'd have to wait till they 
could wash up some of the cups or something. 

Dill. [Grimace.] Holy mackerel! 

All. [Chanting loud and mournfully.] Nobody 

KNOWS HOW DRY WE ARE ! 

Dill. Oh, shut up, you fellows, it's only a minute. 
All. [Same business.] Nobody knows! Nobody 

KNOWS ! 

Dill. [Sudden.] Here! Hush! I've got an idea! 

Lowell. Want me to hold your head } [Does so.] 

Dill. [Shaking him off.] There' re some things in the 
silver-basket that'll do first-rate — egg-cups and little 
bowls and things — won't they ? 

Low. Sure! Where's the silver-basket? 

Dill. Why, you know. I showed you. Get 'em 
out, will you? [Going u. c] 

Low. [Down c. staring after him.] Hey? 

Dill. [Without heeding him. At c. strikes attitude.] 
Courage ! Cheer up ! The worst is not yet ! Life smiles 
still! I'm going to hurry up the ice. [Going.] 

Low. [After him, seizing his arm.] Here! Where 
did you say the silver was ? 

Dill. I showed you, don't you remember? Under 
the table — [Stops, seeing Lowell's bewildered ex- 
pression.] Oh! [Lowers voice.] You're thinking about 
the — the other? Just don't let Dan see it, that's all! 
[Winks, pokes him in the side. Exit l.] 

[Lowell returns slowly down c. Profoundly puzzled 
look.] 

Carson. What's the secret, Tom ? 

Low. [Shakes head.] Ask me something easy! He 
said to get out the silver-basket. He said it was under 
the table! [Stands c. looking around helplessly.] 



i86 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Wri. Which table ? 

Low. I don't know. Jny table. 

Holt. Maybe he meant the lounge. 

[All the men get down on their hands and knees, business 
of looking under every article of furniture in the room.] 

[Enter Dill. l. zvith tray of ice, siphon, etc., which he 
balances on his hand at shoulder-height like a waiter in 
a restaurant. Comes down c] 

Dill. Here you are! [Edits c. looks around as- 
tounded.] What on earth — ? 

[All sit back on their heels like frogs looking up at him.] 

Holt. [Emerging from under lounge. Loud sneeze.] 
Att-choo-oo! It's not there, anyhow. 

Dill. What's not there? 

Holt. The — [Business of approaching sneeze.] — 
the — Att-choo-oo-hoo! The silver. 

All. [Sitting on their heels. Solemn chant.] Nobody 

KNOWS HOW DRY WE ARE ! NoBODY KNOWS ! NoBODY 
KNOWS ! 

Dill. [Raising his voice above the racket.] For the 
love of Mike! [To Holt as noise subsides.] What d'ye 
mean silver.? 

Holt. Didn't you say it was here? Under a table? 

Dill. [iVoij-.] 

Holt. Well, it's not. It's not here and it's not under 
anything. 

All. [Business of rising, brushing dust off their 
clothes, etc. Begin again in chorus.] Nobody knows 

HOW DRY WE ARE ! 

Dill. [Loud. Impatient.] Oh, can that! [Comes 
down R. places tray on table. Looks under table, straight- 
ens up, surprised.] Hey? 

[Sudden silence.] 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 187 

Dill. Somebody's fixed this up, I suppose. Go 
ahead! Spring it on me, whatever it is! 

[Pause.] 

Dill. [Loud, looking around.] Well? 

Low. Nobody's fixed anything up. Jack, unless it's 
you. There isn't any silver-basket in the room. We've 
all looked everywhere. 

Dill. Oh, quit your kidding! 

Wri. Honor bright, Jack! 

Dill. [Parade of coolness.] Well, if you fellows don't 
care for a drink, it's all one to me. You can wait till 
Tom brings out the basket. He knows where it is, 
anyhow. 

[Sensation. Everybody looking at Lowell.] 

Low. [Shouting.] Me? I know where your silver is .? 

Dill. Yes, you! [Looking around at the others.] I 
showed it to him not half an hour ago in this room. 

Low. [Shouting.] In this room? I haven't been in 
this room this evening since the first dance. 

Dill. [Cool.] All right! Have it your own way! 
[Lights cigarette with elaborate air of indifference.] When 
Tom gets ready, boys, you can have your drink. 

Low. [Astonished and beginning to be irritated.] I 
don't know anything about your silver, I tell you. 
What would I be monkeying with your silver for.? 

Dill. Well, I don't mind saying that I don't think 
it's a very good joke myself, Tom. 

Low. [Angry.] Well, I'll be — 

Wri. [Interrupting.] Whoosh! Keep still! [Busi- 
ness of Wright and other men dragging Lowell to one 
side l. and trying to argue with him.] 

Holt. [Down r. to Dill.] I guess you've made some 
mistake. Jack. 



i88 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Dill. Mistake nothing! 

Holt. Yes, but I believe Tom's in earnest, and all 
the rest of us are in earnest. 

Dill. Well then, what's become of the silver? It 
was here and I told Tom about it. 

Holt. Why, / don't know, but it's perfectly plain 
somebody must have come along, and moved it some- 
where else. Anyway, you don't want to make a fuss 
about a little thing like that. 

Dill. Don't hey? Maybe you'll be pleased to hear 
that your flute was in with it. 

Holt. My flute? 

Dill. Yep! 

Holt. [Excited.] But what the mischief — ? 

Dill. It's gone too, of course. But you don't want 
to make a fuss about a little thing like that, you 
know. 

Holt. [Anxious.] I'll go and ask Mollie. [Going R.] 

Dill. [Calling after him.] I can't remember whether 
I told Mollie or not. Kathleen knows about it. 

[Exit Holt r.] 

Low. [Earnest.] I tell you. Jack, I don't know where 
your silver is. Whoever you told, it wasn't me. 

Dill. [Good-natured.] Well then, one of us is nutty, 
that's all. [Serious.] Don't you remember? It was 
in here when I asked you to sing, and you said you 
didn't feel like it because of your cold being so bad ? 

Low. [Loud.] Me? I said that? Why, I haven't 
got any cold! Sing? Why, you heard me singing 
"Tipperary" just this minute! 

Dill. [Startled.] That's so! But — 

[Confused noise of women's voices heard off R.] 

Dill. Who did I tell then ? 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 189 

[Enter R. Mollie, Mrs. Wright, Miss Sternberg, 
others.] 

Mollie. [Running down c. Stops, looks around 
nervously.] What's the matter? Dan just came flying 
to me with some tale about the silver, and now he's 
gone raging and tearing all over the house, looking for 
Kathleen and his flute. What's happened? 

Dill. [Exaggerated carelessness.] Nothing — noth- 
ing at all. I was just wondering where you'd put the 
silver. 

Mollie. The silver? I told Norah to take it upstairs. 

Dill. Well — er — she didn't. I brought the basket 
in here myself. 

Mollie. In here? What for? 

Dill. Well — er — I thought it would be safer. 

Mollie. [Looking at him with increasing nervous- 
ness.] Well ? What of it ? What's happened ? 

Dill. [Same manner.] Oh, nothing, nothing at all! 
I — um — I thought you might know where it was, 
that's all. 

Mollie. Thought / might know where it was? But 
you just said — [Stops. Looks at him. Screams.] Jack, 
it's gone? 

[Commotion.] 

Dill. [Loud. Worried.] Here, don't jump at con- 
clusions that way! 

Mollie. But our silver's gone! 

Dill. [Same manner.] Now don't make up your 
mind all at once that way? That's a real woman's 
trick — 

Mollie. [Stamping.] Jack Dillon, where's our 
silver? 

Dill. Why — er -^ why — if you don't know where 



IQO THREE SHORT PLAYS 

it is, Mollie, I don't! [Feebly.] It — it — it seems to 
have disappeared. 

[Sensation.] 

Mollie. [Suddenly calm.] I knew it would be stolen. 
I had a feeling it would be. 

Wri. Oh, it must be somewhere in the house, Mrs. 
Dillon. It'll turn up presently. 

Mollie. [Decidedly.] It's been stolen! Somebody 
has gotten in and taken it. I remember now the terrace- 
doors were open when I came in this evening before 
supper. [With emphasis.] Wide open! 

[Sensation.] 

Carson. Wide open? Fat burglar? 

Dill. [Uneasy.] That doesn't necessarily prove 
that it's been stolen, though. 

Low. Well, I guess it's clear anyhow, Jack, that / 
didn't have anything to do with it. I might play a 
trick on you, but you know I wouldn't on Mrs. Dillon. 

Dill. [Hearty.] Of course you wouldn't, Tom, that's 
all right! But — [Lowering voice.] — what I want to 
know is, who in thunder was it that I took for you.? 
You don't suppose it could possibly have been — eh ? 
[Loud.] Where' re you going, Mollie? 

Mollie. [Resolutely, marching u. c] I'm going to 
get that idiotic detective. 

[Sensation.] 

Mrs. Wri. [High voice.] Detective? What detec- 
tive? 

[All look at Dillon.] 

Dill. Yes, we've got one in the house, he's been here 
all evening. 

Wri. He must be a peach of a detective! 

[Enter l. violently Holt. Breathless, excited.] 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 191 

Holt. [Loud voice.] Say! 

[Everybody turning to look.] 

Dill. What's up now? 

Holt. [Running into Mollie u. c] Say! 

MoLLiE. Mercy, Dan, what is it? Have you found 
the silver? Where's Kathleen? 

Holt. [At c. Same business, pausing for breath 
between every word.] Kathleen ? Don't know. Couldn't 
find her. But say — ! [Pauses to take breath,] 

Dill. [Impatient.] Well, say it, Dan, for Heaven's 
sake! 

Holt. [Same business.] You know silver — ? 

[Sensation.] 

All. [As he stops for breath.] Yes? What? 

Holt. [Same business.] You know detective — ? 

All. [Same business.] Yes! Goon! 

Holt. [Same business.] Thief! Got him! Bringing 
him here! Dressed like a plumber. 

[Sensation.] 

Low. [Startled.] A plumber! [Looks down over his 
own costume.] 

Dill. [Startled.] A plumber! [Looks Lowell over.] 

[Loud voices heard off L. Enter Mike Murphy, hold- 
ing hands high over head. Ames in rear., revolver in hand. 
All women scream and crowd R. Men scatter up and 
down L. Murphy and Ames come down c] 

Ames. [Pompous.] Here's your man, Mr. Dillon. 

[Sensation.] 

Ames. [To Mike.] You can drop your hands now. 

Mike. [Furious.] Dthrop me hands, is it? All 
right! Stand from under! [Starts for Awes.] 

[Women scream. Men start forward. Dillon and 
Wright grab Mike.] 



192 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Ames. [Cool, stepping back.] Never mind, gents, I 
got him covered. [To Mike.] Now don't get excited. 

Mike. [Struggling.] Lave me alone! He held me 
up! The scoundthrell come up behint me and held 
me up, I'm tellin' yez! 

Dill. Here now, resisting the officer won't do you 
any good, you know. 

Mike. An ofF'cer? Who's an off'cer.? 

Ames. [Displaying badge with impressive gesture.] I 
am. George W. Ames. 

Mike. Bedad, this time George W. misses! What 
d'yez take me for.? [Lunges at him. Restrained by 
others. Women scream.] 

Ames. Don't strain yourselves, gents. I can attend 
to him easy. Spotted him at once. He goes by the 
name of Kid Sampson — 

[Sensation. Mike stands stupefied.] 

Ames. He's the fellow that did the job at Mandell's — 

Mike. [Violent lunge. Loud inarticulate roar. Others 
same business as before.] 

Ames. [Calm.] Passed himself off for a plumber this 
time — 

Mike. [Frantic] A plumber! Mither o' Moses! 
I am a plumber! 

Ames. [Ironic] Yep. You're a plumber all right. 
Maid Norah says she knows him. Probably in cahoots. 
[To MoLLiE pleasantly.] Missed anything yet this 
evening, ma'am? 

MoLLiE. [Comes down R. Hesitatingly.] No, that is 
yes — I — [To Ames with sudden sharpness.] I wish 
you'd put that revolver away! 

Ames. [Taken aback.] Ma'am.? 

MoLLiE. [Increasing sharpness.] Put it away, if 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 193 

you please! It makes me nervous. Don't you know 
that you might hurt somebody with it? [High and 
peremptory.] Put it away! 

Ames. [Confounded. Humbly.] Yes, ma'am. [Slowly 
returns revolver to hip-pocket.] 

MoLLiE. That's better. It might have gone off any 
minute. 

Mike. Glory be, there's wan av yez has some sinse! 
[To MoLLiE.] Yez know me, don't yez, ma'am? 

[Dillon and Wright release him.] 

MoLLiE. [Hesitatingly.] Why, I — I — somehow all 
the workmen look so much alike. You — you look like 
the plumber, but — 

Mike. [Shouting.] Hivens and earth, I am the 
plumber! Me na-ame's Mike Murphy! I'm an honest 
man! 

Ames. Ain't that enough? Says he's an honest 
plumber! [With profound scorn.] An honest plumber! 

Mike. [Hands to Heaven wildly.] Lave me wipe a 
j'int! I'll show yez whether I'm a plumber or not! 
Lave me wipe a j'int! 

Dill. Wipe a joint? Well, whose joint? 

[Mike stares at him dumb.] 

Ames. See? He can't answer. 

Mike. [Solemn.] I knew they was all bug-house, 
but I didn't know they was as bug-house as this! 
[Looks all around. Sees Miss Sternberg.] There's a 
young la-ady that ought to know me. 

[Knocking at terrace-door.] 

Miss S. [Frigid^ drawing herself up.] I know you? 

[Knocking.] 

Mike. Arre yez going to deny it? Didn't yez talk 
to me here in this very room an' all? Didn't yez give 



194 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

me a dthrink of whiskey? Didn't I come within an 
a-ace of kissin' yez? 

[Sensation.] 

Miss S. No! The very idea! 

Mike. [Aghast.] No? 

Miss S. [Screaming.] No, no, No! As if Fd behave 
that way with any man! And besides it wasn't you, it 
was Mr. Lowell! 

[Sensation. Knocking louder.] 

Wright. Nozv what's going to happen? 

[Holt at u. c. opens doors. Enter Bryan and Kath- 
leen. Sensation.] 

[MoLLiE, Holt, Dillon, others.] Kathleen Travers! 

Bryan. [Excited and jubilant.] Kathleen Bryan, 
please! 

MoLLiE. [Screaming.] Kathleen, you haven't done it ? 

[Great excitement. All the women crowd around Kath- 
leen, men around Bryan, business of exclamations, 
screams, laughter, etc. Mike and Ames down R., business 
of watching each other with various false starts and threat- 
ening movements.] 

[Dillon and Bryan emerge down c. from the crowd.] 

Dill. Well, I don't suppose I have any business to 
feel so good over it, Jim, but I — [Business of hand- 
shaking.] 

Mike. [Attracted. Sudden start. Anxiety.] The 
saints be praised! Misther Jim, Misther Jim! 

Bryan. Hey? 

Mike. Look at me! Look at me good! Tell me who 
I am! 

Bry. [Looks. Astonished.] Mike Murphy — Mike! 
What are you doing here? 

[Sensation.] 



THE WEARIN' 0' THE GREEN 195 

Mike. [Wild. Capering.] Whurroo! More power 
to yer elbow, Misther Jim, sir! Whurroo! 

Ames. [To Bryan, gesticulating with thumb towards 
Mike.] Say, mister, you think you know him.? [Cigar 
in mouth as at first.] 

Bryan. Mike? Think I know him? Well, I 
guess yes! He's worked in our place for five 
years! 

Mike. Whurroo! I knew it! I knew I was meself 
all the time! Rrump-too die-tee — rrrump-tee-toodle-tee! 
[Begins a jig^ shouting the air of " St. Patrick's Day in 
the Morning.^'] 

Ames. Huh! [Takes cigar from corner of mouthy 
looks it over, replaces it in the other corner.] All right! 
[Goes u. c] 

Mike. [Suddenly stopping.] All right, is it.? [Starts 
for him.] 

Dill. [Detaining him.] Wait a minute! Are you 
the man I showed the silver to .? 

[ExitAm^ES, c] 

Mike. I am not, sir! [Trying to break away, drags 
Dillon u. l.] 

Dill. Well, look here, I'm sorry this happened. 
[Gives money.] 

Mike. [Lofty, pocketing money.] So am I, sir, so 
am I ! I'll make so bold to remind yez, this is a prrivate 
fight — [Motions to get away.] 

Dill. Hold on a minute, please. I'm awfully sorry — 
[Gives money.] 

Mike. [Pleasantly.] Don't mintion it, sir — [Pockets 
money.] 

Dill. [Fervently.] I certainly won't if you won't — 
[Business of cleaning out his pockets. Gives.] 



196 THREE SHORT PLAYS 

Mike. [Fery jolly.] Vm with yez, sir, I undther- 
stand. [Exit l.] 

Dill. [Coming down c. hands in pockets, philosophical.] 
Well, I guess there's no doubt about it, the man I 
showed that silver to, took it! All we had was in that 
basket! [Suddenly hursts into roar of laughter.] Ho, 
ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha! 

[Sensation. Everybody turning to look.] 

Lowell. Here! [Takes his arm.] What's the 
joke? 

Dill. [Gasping between bursts of laughter.] Why, I 
was just thinking — Ha, ha, ha! — some fellow's run 
ofFwith all our silver — ho, ho, ha! [Leans on Lowell's 
shoulder for support.] Ha, ha, ha! 

Low. Well, I'll be hanged! Most men wouldn't be 
so happy over having their house burglarized. 

Dill. [Same business.] Yes, but Tom, you know — 
ha, ha! — Dan Holt's learning to play the flute — ha, 
ha, ha! 

Low. Yes. Well.? 

Dill. [Letting go of him and staggering around in a 
paroxysm of laughter.] Well, they took the flute ! 

[Laughter. Confusion. Enter Norah l. with basket.] 

Dill. [Recovering.] [Down l.] Well, I suppose we 
may as well go on dancing, hadn't we.? One of you 
fellows start the Victrola again, will you.? 

[Exit Holt r. Business of everybody pairing off.] 

MoLLiE. [At c] I'm so sorry, Kathleen and Jim, if 
you'd come back a little sooner there'd have been some- 
thing to eat for your wedding-supper. But now there's 
nothing left, and nothing to eat it with an3^how — 
[Turning as Norah touches her elbow.] Well, Norah.? 

[Music begins off.] 



THE WEARIN' (T THE GREEN 197 

NoRAH. [Presents basket.] Plaze ma*am, somebody 
said yez was wantin' the silver. 

[Sensation, crowding, laughter, excitement.] 

MoLLiE. [Screaming.] Norah! [Seizes basket and 
begins to take out forks, spoons, etc.] Where was it? 
What had been done with it? 

Norah. Plaze ma'am, I tuk it upstairs like yez told 
me to, and there's nobody been near it since. 

MoLLiE. [To Dill.] Well, then, «;A^^ — ? 

Dill. [Blank.] That's what /want to know! What? 

MoLLiE. [Sudden idea.] You don't suppose you 
could have got hold of that other basket of kitchen-ware 
and tin things, do you ? 

Dill. [Hands to Heaven.] Great Scott! 

[Uproar, laughter, cheers.] 

Holt. [Appearing in door R.] Hey there, get busy! 
This is "Get out and get under." 

CURTAIN 



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